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Not ready to commit?

(87 Posts)
AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:09:16

I have namechanged for this due to obvious reasons.

DP and I have been going out for 6 years. We met quite young but we have been living together for years and are in our mid twenties.
I am working full time and supporting us completely as he has decided to go back to university. So far so good.

Recently I have been thinking about marriage more and we have talked about it as a couple. He seems to be reluctant to get engaged and married. He says he is too young and he doesn't see the rush as it's no big deal. It is a big deal to me. I also feel like we are making huge decisions based on us staying together so why not formalise it? We are living together, we have joint finances, I will support him through his university degree which means we need to live on a tiny budget. I have moved away from my family and for a variety of reasons us staying together will mean that it will be almost impossible to ever move back close to them. So I feel like I am compromising, taking him into account when making decisions and so on. On the other hand it doesn't feel like he is willing to compromise on something that is very important to me.

I know marriage doesn't offer complete security but it does offer a bit. I also feel like we are committing to each other so much, why not do it properly? I just can't see his point if view.

I have explained this to him in a non-confrontational way and he seemed to agree with me, making big promises. But this morning I used his computer and found search history about things like "She wants to get married, I am too young" (just an example). I probably shouldn't have looked but there we go, he obviously is not on the same sheet as me.

While I know marriage might not be important to some people it is to me and I am very disappointed today after finding out that he is lying to my face while googling the above. I am not some nutter who talks about marriage and babies every day but considering everything we have been going through, the years we have been together and the choices we are currently facing in life I don't feel unjustified in asking where he sees us in future and to think about marriage. It's making me feel insecure in my relationship despite everything else going well.

Not sure anyone can actually help me, but it feels good to write it down. Any advice about what to do? My open and frank chat obviously didn't work.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:57:36

Why are you assuming he is going to waltz off and meet someone else???

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:57:59

There's no such thing as an adult who is too young to get married. Maybe you need to find out what he means by that exactly.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 12-Oct-13 13:00:11

I'm not saying blackmail him at all. But if he doesn't see this a permanent relationship then the op is foolish to support him.

It's your money, but if the relationship doesn't work out then think how much out of pocket you could be. If you are ok with that, then fine.

And don't patronise me by telling me that's how relationships work. I am trying to open your eyes to the fact that he has the potential to walk away after his education has finished and he wouldn't owe you a penny.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:01:22

If he is a single person, and wants to be a single person for now, he needs to support himself as a single person and get a student loan imo.

If you are a real partnership, you need to thrash out the basis of a partnership. Maybe I am unromantic, but you are either a joint household or you are not.

Amazingly, he wants it both ways doesn't he?

Viviennemary Sat 12-Oct-13 13:01:51

In your situation I would think twice about supporting him through university in view of his decision he can't commit. In that case you shouldn't commit yourself financially to supporting him for three or four years. Of course nobody should be blackmailed into marriage. But I wouldn't support somebody for four yeas if they couldn't 'commit'.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 13:02:07

So unless he marries her now it means he doesn't see it as permanent?

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 13:04:35

Because people who aren't committed enough to marry a gf they have been with for 6 years, especially from a young age, often do leave for someone else.

It isn't particularly criminal. However I think the op is in a vulnerable position here because she is more committed than he and he is planning to live off her with her thinking the relationship is for forever and he'll be there for her when she needs it.

Marriage is nothing to do with it. One person doesn't want to marry, you don't marry, conversation over, forget about marriage.

This is about commitment. The op is viewing this as a long term partnership which is why she is investing so much. Whereas I'd say after 6 years a "too young" excuse for not wanting to give the op some financial protection for her investment and them having got together really young leaves me thinking he will meet someone at uni and waltz off.

Plenty of people manage to support themselves through uni. If the op doesn't do it then I think he could do it himself.

Fact is he wants marriage level of commitment from her but doesn't feel it himself. Not saying he is a bad guy, think the op needs to protect herself financially.

ImperialBlether Sat 12-Oct-13 13:05:08

What Itcouldbeworse said.

He wants to be single (ie not married) so he should be supporting himself.

I do think often men and women are at different points in their lives in their mid twenties. He's going back to university and his life could change a hell of a lot over the next five years. I think he's right not to marry, to be honest.

I'm not suggesting you finish with him, but I do think you'd be better off living with friends rather than him and keeping your finances separate.

Listen to what he's telling you.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 12-Oct-13 13:05:58

It sounds like he has no plans to commit, looks at the comments around his internet history searches?

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 13:06:09

Or support him through uni with eyes open and the understanding that he may not be there to support you when you need it in return.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 12-Oct-13 13:07:37

YY to what Imperial said

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:09:21

Plus he has made an assumption re support from OP, not a discussion. Totally taking her for granted. That is not what you expect from a girlfriend - which is what OP is.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 13:10:26

But why is everyone assuming he doesn't want to get married to her in the future??

Maybe I'm a silly romantic or something but I feel a bit sorry for the OP's boyfriend and all the not-very-nice assumptions that are being made about him or how he views his relationship.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 13:10:51

Loads of answers, I am in and out all day so sorry if my responses are slow.

ForTheLove: I am sorry you felt I was patronising you, it wasn't meant like that. I just wanted to explain my way of thinking when we made this joint decision. I understand what you are saying about being in a vulnerable position and I am having my own worries about this, hence why I am on here asking for a variety of opinions.

AWarm: The not being honest also worries me a lot. Why say he can see my point of view and agree and then so obviously...not.

Maybe he does think it's the next step before having a family-I don't know. For me it is not and I have made that very clear.

I just feel quite vulnerable right now as I have made the decision to move away from family, live with him, work my bum off to support us. And then he can't seem to see my point of view at all which hurts. And it makes me wonder whether I should take a step back, but I know that a step back would probably mean a break up to be honest.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:11:10

On reflection, stuff him. Move to wear it suits you - near your family if that suits you.

ATM he choses where you live so it suits him, he choses the level of commitment, he choses to go to uni, he choses for you to work to support him!

I may be in a bad mood, but not seeing much 'partnership' here

Val007 Sat 12-Oct-13 13:12:19

It sounds like he is using you. Surely you love him more than he loves you. You are putting your money where your mouth is and him... he doesn't care one bit about how you feel. You invest in him now and another woman will reap the return. He has to prove otherwise by at least organising his own funding.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 13:13:01

When I said 'h didn't ask me' I meant he didn't ask or expect me to pay. We made a joint decision that, in the long term, him going back to uni would be the best decision. Sorry if that caused confusion.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 13:13:17

There is no such thing as wanting to get married in the future. That is utter bullshit. Either you want to get married to someone or you don't.

Viviennemary Sat 12-Oct-13 13:13:31

The OP's boyfriend should support himself through Uni. Why should she support him. He's not a child. I think she's being led up the garden path. No wonder people are let down when they walk into this type of arrangment.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:14:06

You feel vulnerable right now, becuase you are vulnerable.

You are a single woman, you should sort out your priorities and plan your life. Don't let him do it for you.

HellonHeels Sat 12-Oct-13 13:22:07

Agreeing with ITCouldBeWorse I'm afraid.

OP you're doing everything here, making all the sacrifices, including making a very insecure financial investment. I think your boyfriend should be supporting himself through university, using student loans. You should be concentrating on developing your career and building your own financial security. If you're still together at the end of his course you'll have a good financial cushion to get started with and he can fairly painlessly begin paying back his student loan through salary deductions. This makes far better sense for you as it splits the financial burden between you if you stick together and won't leave you with nothing if you split.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 12-Oct-13 13:23:28

It's ok aimlessly, I just can't stand it when people take advantage, you sound mature yet he isn't coming across like that at all.

IT could have hit the nail on the head. It does come across as he has manipulated you.

I am very cynical when it comes to money. I've seen friends and family screwed over. I didn't amalgamate my finances with my previous DP, even though it meant I paid all of my mortgage and he only paid his half towards the bills. I didn't have joint finances until after I had my DD with my now DH. Yes he now pays in more and I work part time. This means I contribute less, but he is able to further his career while mine has come to a standstill. One of us needs to be there for DD and DC#2, and would both prefer that to be me.

I don't mind well sometimes I'm jealous but I get to spend more time with DD. Plus I am still working so once the family are growing up I will re start my career.

I hope you get the clarity you need to work out exactly what's going on

GuffSmuggler Sat 12-Oct-13 13:25:49

I was about to say what vivienne and hellon have, why can't he support himself through uni like most people with loans and part-time jobs!? Sounds like he wants an easy ride and you are providing that.

I wouldn't invest so heavily financially if not married and I don't believe in being too young to get married either.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 13:30:28

Some people have asked about loans. He is doing a postgraduate degree so no student finance. He could take a loan but the fees are so high not sure he could get more than that (he is borrowing money for fees).

Out now, will check back later.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 13:31:26

I wouldn't go so far as to say I think he is manipulating you. Although he may be, I think it would just be sensible to think through whether you are happy to support him through uni even if he backs out of the relationship at the end.

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