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Not ready to commit?

(87 Posts)
AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:09:16

I have namechanged for this due to obvious reasons.

DP and I have been going out for 6 years. We met quite young but we have been living together for years and are in our mid twenties.
I am working full time and supporting us completely as he has decided to go back to university. So far so good.

Recently I have been thinking about marriage more and we have talked about it as a couple. He seems to be reluctant to get engaged and married. He says he is too young and he doesn't see the rush as it's no big deal. It is a big deal to me. I also feel like we are making huge decisions based on us staying together so why not formalise it? We are living together, we have joint finances, I will support him through his university degree which means we need to live on a tiny budget. I have moved away from my family and for a variety of reasons us staying together will mean that it will be almost impossible to ever move back close to them. So I feel like I am compromising, taking him into account when making decisions and so on. On the other hand it doesn't feel like he is willing to compromise on something that is very important to me.

I know marriage doesn't offer complete security but it does offer a bit. I also feel like we are committing to each other so much, why not do it properly? I just can't see his point if view.

I have explained this to him in a non-confrontational way and he seemed to agree with me, making big promises. But this morning I used his computer and found search history about things like "She wants to get married, I am too young" (just an example). I probably shouldn't have looked but there we go, he obviously is not on the same sheet as me.

While I know marriage might not be important to some people it is to me and I am very disappointed today after finding out that he is lying to my face while googling the above. I am not some nutter who talks about marriage and babies every day but considering everything we have been going through, the years we have been together and the choices we are currently facing in life I don't feel unjustified in asking where he sees us in future and to think about marriage. It's making me feel insecure in my relationship despite everything else going well.

Not sure anyone can actually help me, but it feels good to write it down. Any advice about what to do? My open and frank chat obviously didn't work.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:38:56

I forgot to add: he is pretty good otherwise. Supportive of my career, doing more than his fair share around the house etc.

Leverette Sat 12-Oct-13 11:40:56

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AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 11:56:04

So you think it's worth it throwing away a relationship and asking him to leave over this issue? Because I am really happy otherwise. I am just wondering what he is so scared off...

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:00:11

mid-twenties is still quite young though. I think most men don't consider marriage until they are nearing or in their 30s. Me and my partner have only just got married and we are 30 and 31 years old.

Also, how can you even afford to get married now if you are living on a single income and he doesn't have a job?

I really wouldn't overthink it - just because he isn't on your page yet that doesn't mean he won't be in a few years time when you are both more financially secure and he will feel ready to make that next step.

You have been together for 6 years so he obviously loves you - I really wouldn't let this affect your relationship. If another 2 years or so passes and he still feels no closer to considering marriage only then I would start questioning your future with him....

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:23:32

How will you feel if you support him through uni and then he decides to leave you?

Tbh I think you want the commitment because you want to protect the investment you are making into what you see as a forever relationship. I'm not sure he sees it as a forever relationship and so if you are going to support him through uni then you need to do that with no expectation he will want to be with you long term.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 12:30:06

He's telling you that you don't want the same things. Listen to what he's saying rather than pursuing some single-handed dream.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:34:22

He is only saying he feels too young to get married - what is wrong with that?? It isn't like he is 35 and using it as a crap excuse, he is only mid-twenties. I would have considered myself too young for marriage at that age too.

And like I said, you may not be in the best financial positi9on to get married anyway so it isn't like you can run out and do it now anyway is it?

Rather than ask him if he wants marriage now you should be asking him if he sees it in the future. If he says no then you have your answer, but to write everything off just because he feels too young to get married now is ludicrous in my eyes.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:36:07

There is nothing wrong with it in itself but I think it is dubious of him to use the op to get himself through uni if he doesn't feel the same way about their relationship.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:37:07

And what's all this about "financial position". You need money if you fancy having a massive wedding, a marriage doesn't need to cost very much at all, unlike putting a partner through uni.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:37:09

That's why she should clarify what he sees in their future, not just focus on what he is or isn't ready for at this exact point of his life.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:38:20

She's being expected to make the financial contribution now though.

And I don't believe "too young to get married".

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:39:44

He doesn't mind her investing financially in his long term future. I think it would be massively hypocritical of him to take that support if he feels too young or scared of a return commitment.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:40:44

Marriage is a huge thing - not something you do just to 'return the favour' hmm

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 12-Oct-13 12:45:26

Personally then I would withdraw financial support of his education. Although I would not have supported him in the first place. Harsh but then I think people can be far too trusting when it comes to money. It always pays to protect yourself financially.

He sounds like he is using you. I think he does love you, but he is having his cake and eating it; why would he want to change that?

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 12:45:31

Mixed answers, exactly how I'm feeling. I don't want a wedding, I'd love for us to be married. So that argument doesn't stand at all. And I don't believe into too young to be married either. So some people don't feel ready till their mid thirties. Should I wait ten years and then realise we're still not on the same page? After making loads of compromises? I'm just worried about waiting too long, you read it on here a lot.

But I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want either and I certainly don't want him I do me a favour. But I do wonder why he is so reluctant. He isn't reluctant to live with me, share money, investments etc. I'm just not sure where I'm standing. But I do love him and am
Happy with him.

AimlesslyWalkingThroughLife Sat 12-Oct-13 12:46:59

For the love: We calculated whether we could afford for him to go back and made that decision together. He didn't ask me if that makes sense. I always thought I'm supporting him now, I might need him to support me one day... Just how relationships work.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:47:13

Have you asked him if he sees marriage in your future?

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:49:15

Obviously it isn't something you do to return the favour but the op is investing in his education because she sees the relationship as a forever relationship. Why is that so hard to understand?!

He doesn't see it that way, so I am advising not paying for him to go to uni unless she will be fine with him dumping her at some point, not that he necessarily will but that's what he is saying, he doesn't see the relationship as a marriage and he isn't prepared to commit.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:50:36

I always thought I'm supporting him now, I might need him to support me one day... Just how relationships work

Well said smile

I actually think it sounds like you have something really positive. I certainly don't think he is 'using you at all'.

I think that some men view marriage as the step you take before starting a family. It may just be that as children are not on the agenda then marriage can wait until they are? That's what happened with me and my husband anyway. We spoke about marriage during our relationship and we both knew it was something we both wanted but until we were ready for the next 'stage of life' we were in no rush for it. We got married when we were 30 and started trying for a baby straight away.

Ask him how he sees your future - please don't throw it all away just because he doesn't see a need to get married right now.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:52:12

So blackmail him : I'm not going to support you through university unless you agree to marry me.

That sounds romantic.

Him saying he is not ready for marriage yet is definitely NOT the same as saying he doesn't want it in their future.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:53:59

I'm not saying she should throw away the relationship. I'm saying she should reconsider her level of commitment because he is not committed. The idea of supporting him because she might need it one day is precisely what I mean. He doesn't want to commit to that level. He is not prepared to commit to supporting the op in that future time when she might need it so there is an inequality of commitment and therefore and inequality of investment in their relationship. I think she should bring the commitment level down to the level he is at.

AWarmFuzzyFuture Sat 12-Oct-13 12:54:40

It is worrying that he isn't being completely honest about what he feels.

He is afraid he will loose his 'uni funding', I suspect...

As said upthread invest in you money in yourself.

Offred Sat 12-Oct-13 12:55:11

No, not blackmail him.

What are you suggesting she pay for him through uni so he can meet someone else on his course, waltz off and marry her?

Writerwannabe83 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:57:08

Still sounds like blackmail to me.

entering marriage should be about both people wanting to do it of free-will - not something that has 'conditions' attached to it.

Do you really think that her withdrawing her financial support (because he won't agree to marry her now) which would likely mean that he'd have to drop out of university is going to help their relationship??

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