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Calling real or armchair psychologists: why doesn't DH want sex?

(57 Posts)
coralinna Sat 12-Oct-13 09:09:11

DH has mental blocks that prevent him from having sex. This is the latest reason (came out last night) and I feel there might be something in it. He's said he'll try to think about why he has these blocks (refuses therapy point blank and I'm going along with this rather than argue more over it as I've resorted to "smoking him out") and in a few weeks I'll ask him how it's going (so he does it).

I don't know if our relationship is going to work out, but I'm trying my hardest, because we have kids (he wanted them too, I had to initiate sex). I feel AWFUL for the kids and want to find a solution. Obviously I want a solution for myself too because (ungreat) sex every 11 months isn't making me happy.

An example of these so called blocks us that when he was just out if uni, a girl was interested in him. Apparently she was very nice. She had a cat, however, and he doesn't like cats, so when she invited him back, he said no and that was that. This was a guy in his early-mid twenties who now, many years later has a cat. He says he doesn't know why he couldn't see past the cat at the time. There are loads of examples like this, this is just the most straight forward to write down.

So, what do you think could be the cause of his blocks? I want to have some ideas so I can ask questions that get us somewhere. I've asked him in the past if he was abused as a kid, gay, asexual and he's said no. I'm thinking it's along the lines of little self confidence.

I'm going to be in and out today, so not at computer all the time. I will check back when I can.

Unidentifiedflyingobject Sun 13-Oct-13 09:27:06

That thing you said about being ok with 'girly' and 'pretty' but not with 'womanly' is absolutely exactly the same as my ex I thought this about re the ASD. It's like a proforma for understanding women and stuff outside that is challenging and unnecessary.

Lizzabadger Sun 13-Oct-13 09:30:43

Umm...even he is on the autism spectrum that's not a reason for a low libido, as far as I know.

The reason really doesn't matter anyhow. You're not happy with it and he's not willing/able to change it.

coralinna Sun 13-Oct-13 10:29:51

Thank you! This isn't really the easiest subject to bring up with friends anyway, because it's very personal about him. If it was me who was the cause of the problem, I'd be talking about it!

I can't go into the details of why I can't leave, because they'd put me in a shot to anyone I know in RL, which I don't want to do for the same reason as above.

Anyway, I do need to be told that I can leave if I want, so thank you. I am unhappy about the intimacy situation, but I love him and am certain he does me. I will see the GP this week and see if there are support services. I am not going to leave now (but am aware this is where we're heading if nothing changes), so I can at least keep trying. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, I just need intimacy, so I don't want to say it's over until I've exhausted everything. Something I bring to the relationship is being able to look outside myself for solutions, which having done here, and thanks to you all, I've found some ideas/confirmations/answers, so I'll see if I can find a way for it to help us. It would be nice if he did this himself, but he does other things that I don't.

CaptainPoop - thank you for your earlier message. I didn't have time to respond at the time, but it's been on my mind. The fact that you have been having individual therapy and now couples therapy offers me a glimmer of hope, because this is what I've felt needs to happen with us. I know that therapy has great benefits, but can be quite tough, so well done for sticking with it.

ilikemysleep Sun 13-Oct-13 11:55:37

My sister is an aspie (has aspergers) and is really not bothered about sexual relationships. My son is also an aspie and I can imagine that when he becomes an adult he will really struggle with the 'earthiness' of sexual relationships. He is very prudish (nothing we have done, the rest of us are not, particularly) and finds physicality difficult. I can't imgine him enjoying the smells and squelches and touching involved in sex. He also has great difficulty with initiating in particular, as do quite a few (by no means all) people with autism. It is a great shame because he is a lovely person, kind and funny and not a malicious bone in his body. But he would need a wife who accepts that he won't initiate physical contact, doesn't like light touch, and finds physicality rather umpleasant....not many about I don't think. But I don't think he's gay or a peadophile. He just lives so much more in his head than in the physical world. Does this sound like your dh?

coralinna Sun 13-Oct-13 19:03:31

Yes, some if that does ring true to a certain extent. The "earthiness" part in particular. He's also prudish - despite living 50 mins outside Amsterdam for about 6 years, he never went to the red light district.

There is also a fair amount from the Madonna side of the Madonna-Whore complex that rings true too, especially the part that involves looking for someone to be like his mother. I'm not at all like her, but often feel he's more comfortable with her than me (NOT in a sexual way at all), and would prefer me to be like her (less emotional, more repressed) but he denies that he is. The fact that his mother is not physical (and she really strikes me as repressed, rather than anything else), muddies the water a bit. His brother and sister, however, have no problems with physicality, far from it.

I've been looking when I could today at HFA and AS (and understand they're no longer diagnoses. What I find unclear and confusing is IQ level part. The only people I've met who had AS were extremely intelligent. My DH is v clever, but by his own admission, not on their level in that respect.

ilikemysleep Sun 13-Oct-13 21:03:07

AS is still diagnosable in the uk as we use 2 classification manuals, the DSM5(which no longer uses aspergers as a diagnostic category) but also the ICD10 which retains the diagnosis. In America they only use the dsm so American websites would say no longer diagnosable.
Asperger people don't have significant learning difficulties, well, specifically, they have autism without language delay as a toddler, but they aren't all like little professors.

CCTVmum Tue 15-Oct-13 00:04:53

Show dh the list of some of the symptoms, ask him to see GP. You will be surprised how enlightened, empowered an adult will feel to suddenly realise their is a title to why the think and feel differently.

Ask for referral to ASD spefific team if they have one in your area or psychiatrist at local community mental health team for asd assessment. This may or may not help your relationship but if ASD is the cause it might help you understand too that this then is no one fault.

You could ask him to do Aspergers Questionnaire by Prof Baron Coen...sorry cant thread from phone but it will be on google.

oh and yes someone can have traits only and therfore no diagnosis (not enough symptoms to reach diagnosis) we all have some traits.

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