I've been wanting to post for ages but was afraid I'd go on too much but it's really pissing my off and need to talk to someone!
There's a long back story so I'll try to keep it short. H had an EA several years ago that lasted around 6 months. He did all the usual; lying, minimising, blaming me, changing stories etc etc. shortly after the discovery our dd became very poorly, was hospitalised and needed our full attention/support. We have a special needs DS who we care for full time. We have 5 DC in total all grown up and 2dgc.
I'm the product of a broken home, my mum had several partners while I was growing up and we were often moving from place to place. I didn't want that for my DC and was prepared to sacrifice my happiness for their happiness and stability.
The EA left a huge trust issue in our relationship which has never been really repaired due to the constant story changing and failure to remember anything on h's part.
I've put all that on the back burner and let it go for the sake of our DC and the commitment and attention they needed. We don't tend to argue very often, and if we do it's usually done calmly and over and done with. Now, I realise I probably checked out of our marriage a long time ago to some extent. It took a while to get over but we got to a stage were we got on fine, had a laugh, was still intimate and had regular
However, even after everything that happened he's still secretive, I discovered a couple of years ago that he had a couple of email addresses that I knew nothing about that he'd set up on his phone, he keeps his phone with him all the time and I mean ALL the time. I obviously had concerns that there could be AW again and asked to check his phone. He got all fidgety and defensive, but on checking there was nothing incriminating. I apologised and let it go and although he's still protective of his phone I've said nothing further about it.
Last year h decided to become a pigeon fancier again (something he did in his mid to late teens). We're now on the cusp of our 50's. Now I wasn't entirely happy about the idea of a shed full of pigeons in the back garden and may immediate response was 'no way am I having those flying round shitting on my washing!'. But in true h style he got them anyway without any further discussion and out in the back garden in a shed thing they went. I wasn't happy but not much I could do once they were there and life moved on.
So, over the past few months h has been spending lots of time with his head buried in his iPad, can't get more than 2 words out of him and seems distant whenever I speak to him. I checked his online mobile phone bill and saw that he's been surfing a lot, usually at times when I'm not at home or when he's walking the dog, or gone out somewhere. There was nothing incriminating in texts or calls so I wondered what the hell he was up to. I mentioned it to him and although he became flustered he said he was on pigeon sites. I asked if he would mind letting me check his email accounts and again although flustered he gave me the passwords. The emails show that he's been buying more pigeons on auction sites some for silly silly money! He promised me at the time of getting the others he wouldn't deceive me and go behind my back again, yet he has.
Now I know this is probably very trivial and could be a whole lot worse, i.e another woman but at least it's not that. It's more to do with the secrecy and feeling of deceit that h lies to me. He said he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't want me to be upset, but surely he realises I'm going to find out at some point!. My response was, would he still think it was ok to cheat on me and not tell me because he didn't want to upset me?. H thought that was a totally different thing and bared no relevance :-/
Anyway, I guess I'm pretty much used to the fact that h does what h wants to do and I have to accept that as part of who he is or leave him!
But the cruncher, has the title suggests. H is a wanker! Now don't get me wrong I'm no prude and have self serviced myself on occasion. But it got to the point where I'm sleeping on the sofa now and don't want to go to bed because it's sickening me. As far as I'm aware it started several months ago. My mum died suddenly last October, she fell poorly with a chest infection on the Friday, was put on life support on the Saturday and was switched off on the Sunday. It was a dreadful time and I became very depressed and withdrawn. H was very supportive at the time but gradually became frustrated with me after a few weeks because he felt I wasn't healing quickly enough. We did have sex occasionally over the first few weeks but I guess I didn't put my 'all' into it because I was still mourning the loss of my mum (who was also my best friend). My sleep pattern was very erratic, I'd wake after an hour or so or not be able to sleep at all then would just zonk on the sofa at the drop of an hat.
It was one night when I'd obviously dropped off and must have been so knackered gone into a deep sleep. I woke thinking it's very quiet but could still see the tv flickering through my half closed eyes. I assumed h had gone to bed and left the tv on for light for me and opened one eye to look at the tv, there was a very erotic porn type film on but no sound. I was quite shocked at this and looked over to see h sat on the chair watching. I made a murmuring, I'm just waking up kind of sound to see what happened and saw the tv flick channels quickly. H said he was just going to bed and did I want a brew making before he went up. I declined and said nothing about the incident and off he went to bed. I sat listening to him getting into bed, then silence, then a few months later I heard movement from the bed, then silence then footsteps across the bedroom floor, the bathroom door open, footsteps back to the bedroom, then silence again.
Ok, now this probably doesn't sound like much but 1, h has always disliked porn and refused any suggestion of it through our 27 years together, he dislikes sex toys or such like and 2, he hardly ever gets out of bed once he's in to go to the bathroom until morning, unless after sex and 3, in all the years we've been together he's never been sex mad and I'm more highly sexed than he's ever been. So, this said I was a little suspicious of what he'd been doing and assumed he'd been aroused by his tv viewing and gave himself a hand. Not a huge problem, although he could have asked me if I was going up to bed with him but never mind!
This then became a nightly ritual, I started to find used tissues in the bedroom bin, stains on the bed sheets and more erotica watching on tv when he thought I was asleep. I noticed he'd moved the tube of lube from its home and was underneath the bed. He begin staying up late, into the early hours, often between 1-3am. The more it went on the more I got pissed off and didn't want to be near him. I eventually tackled him about it and asked if he'd been self pleasuring himself and if so why? He denied it, got all embarrassed, then said it was because he didn't want to pressure me into sex incase I was still upset about my mum. I was a bit taken aback because it was so out of character but just asked him to be a little more discrete re the used tissues in future as I felt it was a bit naughty leaving them there for me to find.
He mumbled some kind of a weak apology and I left it at that. Things seemed to improve over the coming weeks and I got back into a better sleeping pattern. Didn't keep falling asleep on the sofa and went to bed earlier. H still had nights where he stayed up very late into the early hours an I suspected he was watching something erotic when he did eventually come to bed and start trying to poke at me! I'm sorry but I don't feel very obliging right then.
Fast forward last month, Our DD was going out for the evening and asked if we'd have DGD for the night. We happily agreed and spent the evening cooing over said DGD. About 10.30 I got a call from DD asking if it would be ok to come back to ours to stay the night and she'd be home about 2ish, she's not a big drinker and it wasn't a problem so I said it was fine and I'd wait up for her. H went to be strangely at about 12ish and I stayed downstairs watching tv while DGD was in her cot in the spare room. Shortly after h had gone to bed I felt a bit chilly and went up to grab my dressing down from the bedroom, as I walked in h leapt out of the bed like there'd beef an explosion, threw himself towards the window and started rambling about thinking DD was home. I apologised because I thought he'd been asleep and I'd startled him, but sadly no, he was mid wank and had almost shit himself when I walked in on him. I didn't want to cause a row so I came back downstairs and quietly seethed to myself.
When he got up in the morning I said I thought we needed to talk. He avoided me most of the day, keeping himself out of the house so I didn't get chance to speak to him until later that evening. I asked him what was going on and if there was a problem, was sex not good, did I not satisfy him etc etc but he just denied everything and said I'd just scared him walking in when he was fast asleep. I responded with we can't try to solve anything if we don't talk about it but he still denied and said there was no problem, sex was great and everything was fine.
Everything is not fine, I'm now sleeping on the sofa again because he continues to wank on a nightly basis and it's started to sicken me and that's saying something for a woman of my age. I've been around the block a few times and not phased by many things. I've bought sex toys, lubes, sexy outfits etc to spice things up. H is happy to use lubes, body oils etc and likes me to dress up in sexy gear but point blank refuses any sex toy involvement.
I don't really know where I go from here with it all or what I think I'll achieve even by posting this. But tbh I just needed to get it off my chest as I've no one to talk to about it in RL, my mum and h where my best friends and the 2 people I always confided in and spoke to about any issues or problems, probably more my mum rather than h. But now h is so wrapped up in his new hobbies and my mums gone I don't feel like there's anyone else I can talk to, my DC are grown up but I wouldn't talk to them about this!
Sorry it's long and really appreciate you reading if you managed to stick with my rambling x
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My H is a wanker .... in more ways than one!
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Mumrunragged · 11/10/2013 07:56
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