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My world has just fallen apart...

(113 Posts)
ScarletLady02 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:03:00

Last week I posted about how my husband had left because he needed space to sort his head out.

He left town yesterday to go away for a few days. I just got a text from him admitting that on Tuesday night he slept with my best friend. She had been putting him up so he could still see DD. I have no reason at all to think anything was going on prior to this. He said they were both drunk, she's been having some problems as well, they had a massive argument, made up, hugged and it happened.

I feel sick. Her DD and my DD are best friends...they talk about each other all day long. I can't believe this has happened...I want to die

mammadiggingdeep Fri 11-Oct-13 20:03:56

Scarlett you do sound strong and take pride in that. I read upthread where u said for some reason it seems easier after finding out about their one night stand. I get that. I felt the same, somehow suddenly you don't have a choice but to get on with it and be strong. It's that deal breaker moment. I also totally get the living your dc's even more after the betrayal- I think it's because their love got uou and you them just seems even purer. Focussing on my two gorgeous dd's kept me same and have me such strength. You just focus on your beautiful dd and yourself. Be kind to yourself...xx

mammadiggingdeep Fri 11-Oct-13 20:04:52

Awful typos...sorry!! X

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 20:19:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 10:52:01

Having a wobble today...just miss him so much.

Hi sweetheart. I'm not surprised about the wobble, it would be strange if you didn't have long moments of doubt and fear.
You are strong, beautiful and an amazing mother. I don't know what is in the future for you but I do think you will cope with whatever comes and will be happy again.

But...it's shit at the moment and probably for a while to come.

He doesn't deserve you...and neither does she.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 12:48:23

I've got to see him shortly, he's coming to take DD for the day, which is nice as I haven't had a break in days and she's been missing him. Not sure how I'm going to feel having to see him.

I've texted him and asked him outright if I'm going to have to get my head around the possibility of them being together. Waiting for this reply is the longest thing I've ever had to do sad

AmberLeaf Sat 12-Oct-13 13:05:41

Oh sweetie! I didn't see your other thread, So sorry you're having to deal with this crap sad

I know you are missing him, but please get/stay angry. You deserve so much more than this. flowers

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 14:40:05

He's just come and taken DD and I feel strange. I didn't realise I could feel so many emotions at once...angry, sad, nostalgic, empty, excited for the future, scared for the future...

I just don't know. He's said that there's nothing going on, and there wasn't before, and I do actually believe him. I didn't think I would but I do. I don't think he would lie to me about it now. He's been honest and said he doesn't really know how he feels about her. We were all very close friends, like the three musketeers or something. She's incredibly angry with him. But I feel like she's not taking responsibility. It's not like he raped her. I don't know how I can explain that I really do believe that to be the case, and I don't think they're lying to me, I understand if people can't see that as you're only going on my posts and don't know our situation or all of us as people, but I genuinely believe it to be the way he is saying it. I think it's possible he has feelings for her.

I do know one thing though...I am not going to apologise for being who I am anymore. I'm not that person who shouts and screams and gets angry...I'm not that person who cunts people off and tries to turn people against them...I'm just not like that. One of the bones of contention in our marriage was that we are very different people in terms of how we deal with things and emotions and we always seemed to wish the other person would change...

I am who I am and that's a laid back peacemaker who doesn't like dramas. I don't see it as a doormat, I will not be a doormat.

We actually had a good conversation. We've agreed that we're seperated and both need time to come to terms with what's happened and who we are as people before we do anything else. He's promised to give me money each week and have DD as much as he can. There is good in him and he is a great Dad.

Vivacia Sat 12-Oct-13 15:53:34

Financially supporting his child and spending time with her does make him a great dad. That's pretty much standard for a dad, and the bare minimum when it comes to expectations.

I'm interested in you not being a drama llama but not being a doormat either. I think this describes my approach too. How do you see yourself striking this balance?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 12-Oct-13 16:00:25

Christonnabike, ScarletLady I'm really shocked about all this! I'm glad you're not taking this lying down; you deserve much better and you seem to have your head very straight. Shitting hell though sad

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 16:03:16

I know those two things on their own don't make him a great dad.

I don't know really...I just don't see the point in kicking off over things if you can't do anything about them. I also don't see the point in getting angry with people for a long time. The other night when he told me what had happened...I was very angry...I don't think I've ever been angry like that. I don't see what shouting and screaming and slating people solves. I won't just put up with shit...but I'm much more of a "walk away" type person than a "scream in your face" type.

I've put up with a lot from DH over the years...because I love him. I will not do that anymore. And I will not put up with it again from someone else if/when I get to that point.

DD needs me to be stronger, I do sometimes worry that my passiveness will be a problem as a parent. Sometimes I am too passive and I should stand up for myself more, and that's what I need to work on. I used to not raise issues with DH because I was worried about a row. Sometimes keeping it in isn't healthy, so I need to learn to express my displeasure at things without being angry.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 16:06:26

Even if you believe nothing physical happened between them before the other night (I wouldn't) how do you square that with this belief that he's got 'feelings' for your friend?

Those 'feelings' wouldn't have just started the other night, would they? They will have been building up for some time and definitely before he left.

Like others, I think you might crumble here, especially if he wants to come back and decides to bin his relationship with the friend. It doesn't sound as though he's prepared to do that at the moment though and there is probably a blessing in that somewhere, to protect you from yourself.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 12-Oct-13 16:11:34

I think not being a drama queen and being passive are 2 different things. I don't think you've been passive. You've done your screaming and shouting and you're now processing and starting to deal with this shit.

When I went through cheating/break up scenario many friends would say "you're so together, so calm" and I'd say "well what do u want me to do?? Cry and scream and roll around in agony??". Like u I had a toddler, as well as a 7 month old baby. I stated focused and strong and dealt with a day at a time. What else can u do??
U r a strong, together woman. Your dd is lucky to have you and this situation is totally your h and your ex best mates loss. They do not deserve you any more. Keeping your dignity Is so powerful. Xx

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 16:19:23

She's his friend too, not just mine. We were all very close. We even talked about going on holidays together with all the kids. We've been helping her through a really hard time. DH is her "give it to you straight" friend...I'm the "hugs and cuddles" friend. She's having a really hard time from her children's Dad and we've both been supporting her through it. That's what makes it such a kick in the face.

I should have made it clear that she is just as much his friend as mine, sorry if that's confusing. That's what I'm saying about what I know about the situation, it's hard to put the whole thing across online. We both care(d) a hell of a lot about her, and I had no reason to think anything was going on. She was helping me deal with things when he first left and she offered to let him stay at hers for a night or two so he would have somewhere to spend time with DD. I honestly feel, or felt at the time anyway, that it was a genuine offer. But this has shown me that maybe he was struggling with feelings for her, and maybe even her as well, but I just don't know. A mutual friend feels the same as I do and has spoken to OW. She doesn't think there is anything going on and she's the sort of person who would tell me if she did. She's very astute and I think she'd have some inkling. She's spent time with them both when I haven't been there and noticed no weirdness.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 16:20:43

Sometimes i do feel though that my "look for the good in everyone" attitude is a flaw. I always try and explain why people do bad things.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 16:37:43

How long have you been friends with her. Did you both meet her at the same time?

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 16:48:09

Nearly a year. I met her through Netmums funnily enough. It sounds mad saying "best friend" but we became close really quickly, then I introduced her to DH (she had a BBQ) and the three of us got along so well. We spent a lot of time together with the kids, it almost felt like we'd known each other for years. She felt like a sister to me, like we were all family. I never got any weird vibes between them, and I'm quite paranoid and insecure usually.

I find it very hard to connect with people and haven't had any friends for years so it was quite intense and we were all so happy we'd found each other as mates.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 19:47:30

And how was your marriage then, when you met her?

Was your husband ill yet? Was he talking about leaving you and needing space? When did all that start?

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:10:52

Im sorry but I think you need to stop believing him. I know you want to because you love him. He is not telling you the full story and it sounds like they have been having an affair for quiet a while. That's why he left. Men don't just leave for head space for no reason. Its all about her.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 20:13:15

I can see why you would think that. I'm not going to keep arguing his case. I know what I know about the situation, I know why he left and needed space. I may be wrong, if I am I'll hold my hands up.

Either way, it's over and I'm trying to move on as best I can. I'm not trying to justify any of his behaviour.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:18:30

Im sorry, its just that everything you said seems to lead to that conclusion really. You say its over, has he said that or is that what you want? Things can be rebuilt if your both willing but only when all the facts are finally out in the open and that can sometimes take months. This is a horrible time for you and im sure each day is a fresh hell but just take each day as it comes and you will get through the days.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 20:33:37

We talked earlier and I said I didn't want to make a final decision on anything when emotions were still so raw. We said we'll separate, take some time apart to work out what we both want, and then when we're ready we'll talk, even if it is a few months. If we decide we both want each other then we'll see, but to be honest...I'm insecure at the best of times...I think I'd be a paranoid wreck with all my female friends etc. I don't think I could do it, I'll just be miserable.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:44:42

You just don't know how you will feel yet. If you still love him and he still loves you after the time apart then isn't it worth trying again. Would you not want to at least see if it could work? At least if you did that then you would definitely know and if you couldn't continue then you could walk away knowing you had tried. (If that is what you want of course).
You don't say why he needed to leave to get head space. Im sorry I didn't see that bit. Maybe that would throw a different light on things but of course you don't have to say. Just don't do anything hasty although I could understand if you did. This is a shock. As I said before it could continue to unfold of the next weeks or months. Just really take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy and get through this.

ScarletLady02 Sat 12-Oct-13 20:54:12

I had other threads on here where I talked about it. He left about 10 days ago. He was badly abused as a child and never dealt with it and he's been having anger problems and violent thoughts. He broke down completely and told me to have him sectioned because he was worried he was going to hurt someone or himself.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 21:05:38

So although it doesn't excuse it in any way, maybe his having sex with your friend could be a one off. Try not to make any decisions. Just wait and see.

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