Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(146 Posts)
BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 14:40:11

I await the flaming.

So I am having an affair with my ex.

I love my husband. We have two children. I can never leave my husband as he is the best father on the planet and I could never let the children be brought up by a web of step parents as I was. I know that if he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker.

But after years of being with someone who doesn't love me back, who doesn't really do sex or emotion or anything of any depth I am finally feeling the love/passion/emotions that I used to feel when I was with normal people.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice the stability of my children's lives for the sake of my own happiness. I have made a conscious choice to make my life bearable for the foreseeable future.

And I think I'm starting to not feel guilty about it all.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 17:23:00

You're right Jan45. I can leave. I'm choosing not to.

Whether it is right or wrong - I am choosing not to bring absolute chaos to any of our lives.

I don't want the kids to have to deal with it. The fact that their parents aren't conventionally in love shouldn't be their concern really. Their dad chooses not to confront his demons. I choose to make the best of a rubbish situation and we both choose not to hurt the kids.

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:25:59

Of course it's their concern when their mother is off shagging another man behind their father's back and their father is in fact gay.

You are completely deluded, and tbh I find the whole charade bonkers.

So what do you think the affair will lead to, will you just be fuck buddies, no chaos at all then could occur?

VoiceofRaisin Thu 10-Oct-13 17:30:00

I understand where you are coming from and how you have got into this situation. I just wonder if it is as stable as you believe and hope it to be. In a year or two, you are going to want to be able to have a weekend with OM, to cook him a meal, to watch TV with him, to introduce him to your friends, to host a dinner party together. You won't be able to do any of that with him as an affair.

I am also not sure you have thought through the future regarding the DC - at what age will you feel able to be open with the DC and to leave for OM? Teenaged years are very traumatic for DC anyway, they are fragile when they first leave for uni, they want the same home to come back to in the holidays for years after that. I would have thought a quick clean split when they are little would be the fairest on them actually. And best for all of you. If you don't, in 15 years time you could be looking back and wishing you had taken action earlier as you almost certainly won't find it any easier when the DC are in their late teens or early twenties and really I don't suppose you want to wait for them to hit middle age.

I counsel you to leave soon and enjoy a lovely family unit with OM and the DC. Your DH may even find the courage to confront his own sexuality and find happiness in that as well as fatherhood. I know a family where the DF came out as gay when they were in the teens and the DC were completely traumatised. If you leave now, your DC will just take it as a given that their DF is gay, and not care tuppence. It is easy to delay such a tough move as you will have a difficult year, but then think how happy you could all be.

Vivacia Thu 10-Oct-13 17:32:18

Apart from his reluctance to have sex with you, is there any evidence that he's gay?

pookyandponky Thu 10-Oct-13 17:37:41

I'm not going to shoot you down. I know what it's like to live In a sexless marriage for the sake of the children. I did it for 4 years. Meeting someone else made me realise it's no way to live for you or your children. I left my husband, OM left the woman he didn't love too. We live in separate houses. We haven't involved our kids with each other yet.
What I will tell you is that my kids are happier now, they knew things weren't right. His kids are also happier. Mummy and daddy happy in different houses is better for everybody. I'm not going to tell you it's easy or that there won't be upset. But modelling a disfunctional relationship is not good for the children.
Keep strong and do the best to show your children what a good realationship should be.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 18:15:54

pookyandponky yours in the same story as mine.. Exactly.. We met each others children a year ago... Though the kids never met each other thank god... He just left me for another woman. What you think
Is happy can turn into something different very quickly . Still think the OP should leave her H for her own sake and not assume the OM will be there . The kids will be upset but it can be handled well.

Junebugjr Thu 10-Oct-13 18:19:07

No judgement here, you've lived a long time without sex or affection, so I don't blame you for going elsewhere. Surely though for yourself, you want more of a 'relationship' with someone your intimate with, holidays spent together, meeting your friends, being in each others lives on a daily basis. It sounds like your depriving yourself of a 'real' relationship.

EdithWeston Thu 10-Oct-13 18:21:31

I am choosing not to bring absolute chaos to any of our lives.

This just isn't true, though, is it. You have put the risk of utter chaos and devastation right in their path. A chance word or sighting brings it all down. As so many have found out he hard way. And that devastation is your choice.

You can minimise it by soI the decent thing, ending the dead relationship (and amicably co-parenting on an honest footing) and then moving on to whatever future you want.

Do bear in mind that DH will have his desires for the future too. He deserves the chance to go forward too, not stay in a web of someone else's (rather patronising) deceptions.

Madamecastafiore Thu 10-Oct-13 18:22:16

Yes the fact that their parents are not conventionally in love will concern them as there will not be the casual intimacy that comes with being part of a loving couple that children learn from.

notanyanymore Thu 10-Oct-13 18:28:04

I don't see much wrong with your present situation, but I would be concerned how things might develop... whether OM was also in another relationship, whether he might want more from his relationship with you, how you'd cope if he ended your relationship, or if you wanted more from the relationship etc.
I sympathize with your situation, I think you need to still be extremely careful with your emotions as the whole set up has the potential to kick off like a nuclear explosion.
FWIW I don't think your being selfish, your attempting to put your children's emotional needs ahead of your own whilst still retaining something of yourself.
I hope it works out for all of you.

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 18:39:53

Hi Bella,

why don't you just set out the tarpaulin, as it were, for building a new relationship with your H.

What I mean is, even if his father does't accept him for who he is, you can let him know that you love him like him and care about him just the way he is.
sort, of, make him feel safe in a 'I know who you are and I love/like you anyway'.
If/when he ever is in a place to be open, you can then talk about open relationship because you have already established yourself as his friend.

How did you get back in touch with your ex? What is he like? Is he a cocklodger, that he can come with you on business? What about his business and what relationship does he have?

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 10-Oct-13 18:47:34

What happens, just out of interest, if your OM decides he wants more out of the relationship, or meets someone else? Presuming he's not married himself, that is. As your children get older, they will know and they won't thank you for it when they're older. Plenty of blended families work perfectly well, it doesn't have to be the end just because the parents are no longer together.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 10-Oct-13 19:16:04

You seem thoroughly halt with your choices so I'm not sure what it posted.
I'm sorry you are in a marriage that doesn't work. But I find it horribly arrogant that you think toy are staying for anything other than selfish reasons. Your husband deserves the knowledge to make his own choices and you don't have the right to do that for him.
Staying in a marriage for anything other than love is stupid and will destroy your kids far more than an amicable and respectful split. This collection of hundreds of step parents are you planning to have lots of future relationships? Would your dh?
You make a lot of assumptions.

What kind of response did you want from posting on here? You are doing something awful. I don't mean cheating- although that's bad enough- I mean not allowing anyone in your family to live an honest and happy life.

Hatpin Thu 10-Oct-13 19:40:09

Unfortunately though you are choosing not to acknowledge it, children are concerned by their parents relationships. Thread after thread in this board make reference to dysfunctional relationships between parents and how this has gone on to affect posters in adulthood.

It is typical of someone in denial of how their own actions and choices affect those closest to them, however.

Hatpin Thu 10-Oct-13 19:42:32

Unfortunately though you are choosing not to acknowledge it, children are concerned by their parents relationships. Thread after thread in this board make reference to dysfunctional relationships between parents and how this has gone on to affect posters in adulthood.

It is typical of someone in denial of how their own actions and choices affect those closest to them, however.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 19:49:18

Is the OM single OP?

GreenGiant3 Thu 10-Oct-13 19:55:06


It sounds as though your biggest fear is letting the DCs down by introducing the chaos of divorce (as you know it) into their lives.

But perhaps, as you've also said that any split would be amicable, things would be very different for your DCs in the case of divorce, than they were for you as a child. Because you and your DH will make sure you handle it decently, surely?

You care about your DCs and how they feel growing up. So, perhaps you could think about the values of integrity, honesty and respect as being helpful and decent things to pass on to them.

Also think about what you want to pass on to them about what loving, fulfilling relationships look and feel like.

How can you do this if your relationship with your DH is a lie, and your other relationship is a secret?

The path you are on is littered with deceit, secrecy, subterfuge, compromise. You are unable to have a full relationship with your DH, but you also cannot have a full relationship with the other man. Would you be happy for any of your DCs to grow up and live like this?

Do you not want and honest and open relationship with your DCs, both now and when they are adults? sad

And putting yourself aside for a moment... what about your DH's life? and the other man's life? For you to do things your way, both men have to fall into line, and stay in line, forever... how likely is that? At some point one of them might want things to be different.

saferniche Thu 10-Oct-13 20:43:14

'I really like my DH. I love him.'

Dear Bella, nearly everyone is suggesting the same thing - talk to your dh. Don't carry on this way. Find a way to tell him how you feel. Otherwise it will almost certainly end badly and in a way you can't control.

Twinklestein Thu 10-Oct-13 20:45:44

I really don't understand why MNs have to judge & attack people who live outside perceived social norms. It's very bizarre.

OP - you haven't talked about your ex's setup. Is he married?

The problem with the current status quo is that if your H found out, it could put a bomb under your family's stability, & it could cause the chaos you want to avoid.

Have you ever broached an open relationship? Posters have asked, but I may have missed the answer...

Twinklestein Thu 10-Oct-13 20:51:14

To add to personal anecdotes: an old friend of mine found out that her parents had an open relationship at 19 when her dad died suddenly. She was absolutely fine with it... (She was devastated that her dad had died when he was relatively young, but she was fine with how her parents had chosen to live their life).

Conventional setups don't always work for everyone. But for the sake of stability, it's easier if the partners involved know what's going on.

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 20:52:20

I hope what I wrote wasn't an attack.

I did not mean it to be one.

PS love the nic, I used to rather enjoy watching Fireman Sam w the littlies

IHateWinter Thu 10-Oct-13 21:03:29

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think its a good thing that you are trying to ensure your childrens security and putting them first. No matter what people say, divorce is actually very disruptive and traumatic for children if only for a little while.

I have a friend whose parents divorced amicably and continued being friends, to the point that her mother even babysat her half siblings when her father remarried.

She says she and her siblings were more upset by this because they couldn't understand why everything had to change when nothing was different IFYSWIM.

At least when its obvious things are bad children can understand why their lives have to change.

I think you should discuss things with your DH and see if he would agree to an open relationship.

LittlePeaPod Thu 10-Oct-13 21:14:02

So you are having an affair, you don't want your DH to find out because he will leave you, but you are sleeping with an ex and you don't care.

Can I ask. What's the point of your post?

Vivacia Thu 10-Oct-13 21:21:17

No matter what people say, divorce is actually very disruptive and traumatic for children if only for a little while.

Perhaps, but more traumatic than one parent cheating on the other, lying to the children and their loved ones?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now