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(146 Posts)
BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 14:40:11

I await the flaming.

So I am having an affair with my ex.

I love my husband. We have two children. I can never leave my husband as he is the best father on the planet and I could never let the children be brought up by a web of step parents as I was. I know that if he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker.

But after years of being with someone who doesn't love me back, who doesn't really do sex or emotion or anything of any depth I am finally feeling the love/passion/emotions that I used to feel when I was with normal people.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice the stability of my children's lives for the sake of my own happiness. I have made a conscious choice to make my life bearable for the foreseeable future.

And I think I'm starting to not feel guilty about it all.

WhatTheRainKnows Thu 10-Oct-13 15:45:27

If you genuinely get on with him and it's just about the sex life, maybe you could talk to him about having an open relationship, where you'd agree you can both sleep with other people to satisfy that part of yourselves. I'm not really sure how it would work in the long run. It's quite unfair for you to be able to satisfy that part of yourself and he can't.

Are you sure he's gay? Have you actually talked to him about this? Or are you convincing yourself he is so you feel better about what you're doing? Maybe he just has a really low sex drive, which could just be how he is or could be a hormone imbalance (I'm sure men can get them too).

It really seems like rather than trying to talk to him about this you decided you'd just go solve it by cheating on him.

poppingin1 Thu 10-Oct-13 15:49:14

If you are unhappy, end your marriage and move on properly or find a solution like what has already been suggested. Open marriages are no big deal IMO as long as you both agree on terms etc..

This is why I understand when some people have affairs. To be stuck in a marriage where one partner is not emotionally of intimately invested and wont acknowledge a problem must be very difficult. But still, it is always better and the right thing to do, to move on before finding someone new and risk more hurt.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:49:37

We have discussed the issues at length forever. He is not able to discuss this, not with me. He isn't able to come to terms with this. His reaction has always been to deny and ignore. Long story involving domineering father and a big stock pile of inheritance.

I suspect this matter will not be up for discussion until his father is no longer around. Having spent a long time trying to get him to discuss/have therapy/speak to someone I have to say that I have in effect given up.

EdithWeston Thu 10-Oct-13 15:50:32

If the deal has changed, and it's friendly co-parents with discreet other partners and both parties agree to that then it's fine.

But as a unilateral decision it's utterly shit. And the devastation of affair discovery cannot be over-estimated. I do not think any betraying partner has really, imaginatively though about how awful it will be - including or the DC. Perhaps because so many have a completely misplaced belief that they won't be found out.

jojoanna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:51:02

You wont feel guilty because it’s becoming normal and you haven’t been found out.

makemineatripple Thu 10-Oct-13 15:51:36

I wouldn't normally do this, but you married him, you took vows, promises. You promised to be faithful to him didn't you? Look, people have affairs all the time, so it's nothing new, but what alarms me is how you're trying to justify it as being no big deal. Nobody needs to know, nobody get's hurt etc, but of course they will. You sound like an intelligent woman, so I'm struggling to understand how you can really believe this.

Of course, you being sexually rejected and not being show any affection is awful and completely unacceptable and unacceptable being the operative word. It can't happen anymore, but an on going affair, I promise you, isn't the answer.

You really need to listen to what everyone has told you about their and their friends personal experiences of future resentment. There is no easy option where nobody get's hurt at all, but you can limit the damage and the first thing you need to do is split from your husband.

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 15:51:37

Both of you living a complete pretence of a life together and your kids, if not now will soon discover it's all been a big fat lie, yeah, you're not being selfish at all.

Having an affair isn't sacrificing your happiness, it's the opposite.

Good luck to you, I could never live a life based on so much deceit.

flowerpotgirl12 Thu 10-Oct-13 15:52:05

Lies have a way of catching up on you, so whether you want your kids / husband to find out, it is more than likely they will.

If you believe your husband to be gay, have you spoken with him about it?

You may not have liked having step parents but honestly do you think that a mum sleeping with a bit on the side and a dad that is gay, who have no intimacy, is setting a good example to your children as to what a relationship should be like. Children look up to their parents for a template on marriage/partnerships and you are doing them a disservice.

You both deserve to have a partner that loves and wants them in every sense, split up before this mess gets any worse.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 15:54:26

Having been in an affair and it all going tits up I would strongly suggest you sit down with your DH and come clean. His sexuality and your 'bit on the side'. Wouldn't it be better for everyone to know where they stand and he could have a life too? He must have some idea that 'something' is afoot with you disappearing off to see your lover. If you think you can manage a future togethet in a civil manner then sit down and talk. Or try Relate if you need a third party to help ask those difficult questions., what does your OM think of the arrangement?

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 15:56:24

Hubby's probably been doing and is doing exactly the same, except perhaps with other men.

WhatTheRainKnows Thu 10-Oct-13 15:58:11

"He is not able to discuss this, not with me. "

Well there's your answer really (not that you asked a question). If he can't talk to you about something as fundamental as his sexuality I have no idea how you expect to be able to raise your kids like nothing's wrong. There is this great big elephant in the room and he will only drive you apart until you argue all the time.

I don't see what his dad has anything to do with what he feels like he can tell you. My DP knows I'm find women attractive, but if my parents knew I don't know if I could face them. Does he not trust you to not tell his dad?

I can completely understand you wanting to be satisfied sexually. It's natural to want that. But I just don't understand how you've convinced yourself staying with your husband is the best thing for your children.

Why don't you talk to him? If you are friends, and yet he doesn't want a normal sexual relationship then an open marriage might be a way forward. Perhaps not forever but until you both are sure where you are going.

The very worst thing about my ex's affair was the lying and deceit. I could cope with the fact that he no longer wanted to be with me and that sexually we were different at that point in time, but the lies - gosh - I will never forgive him for putting me a position where I had to lie to DC.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 10-Oct-13 16:09:30

I wouldn't have a problem with this if your H was aware. If he knew and accepted it it might be a pragmatic solution. As it is I think it's unfair and cruel. Is your ex married too?

wannaBe Thu 10-Oct-13 16:10:37

It is often easy to flame someone for having an affair, brand them a bad person etc.

The truth is that affairs are never black and white. There are all sorts of reasons why people do end up having affairs, and sexless relationships are probably more common a reason than many others.

But, while affairs can often be explained, and while issues from the other party can lead someone into a position where they do embark on an affair, it is never a justification for doing so.

Nobody should have to live in a sexless relationship, and if this makes you unhappy to the point where you feel you need to seek sex elsewhere then you need to discuss it with your dh rather than go behind his back and seek emotional and physical gratification with someone else.

Because while at the moment you say your marriage is happy, for your dh, it is built on dishonesty and deceit.

If you were both happy in a sexless marriage where there was no expectation of physical contact and your dh was aware that you were in a sexual relationship with someone else that would be one thing. It may not be conventional but as long as all parties are aware and in agreement it’s perfectly ok.

However the situation you are now in means that your current marriage is completely unbalanced. Because your dh believes that you are happy together, that the relationship is working fine the way it is, what he is not aware of is that you have checked out of a part of the marriage in favour of someone else. In fact the fact you said in your op that if he found out it would be over says exactly why what you are currently doing is not and can never be ok or justified.

And ask yourself this. You say you don’t want your children to grow up with stepparents, can you not see that you are projecting your own childhood experiences on to them? Whereas if you live this life they will have their own childhood experiences to project on to their children one day – that they wouldn’t want their children growing up in a house where their mother had a bloke on the side and their dad was oblivious, and they knew but she didn’t know they knew and they felt caught in the middle between the responsibility of telling their father and the loyalty to their mother.

And what of the OM? Does he not have more self worth than to be someone’s bit on the side for the foreseeable future? One day he will want a stable relationship of his own, and how will you feel then once he moves on?

I am not judging the affair. We’re all human and these things do happen.

But you cannot arrogantly retain control of everyone else’s life just so that you can live the life that you want. The other people in your life have a say in how they live their own lives, you may be the master of your own destiny but you are not the master of theirs.

If you want to stay in your marriage then you need to speak to your husband about what needs to change. If change is impossible then you need to think about how to end the relationship in order that you all be allowed to move on and find your own happiness. And that includes your dh.

captainmummy Thu 10-Oct-13 16:12:58

Why do you think it would be a dealbreaker if he found out? If he's gay, I'd have thought it would be a relief to him. And no reason why you can't co-parent, if you can't fulfil your marriage vows properly.

Madamecastafiore Thu 10-Oct-13 16:14:55

Why are you allowing this man who doesn't do emotion etc to bring up your children. The relationship you two have make you both shit role models for your children as they will endeavour to cultivate relationships like that of you and your husband.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 16:48:54

Madamecastafiore - he is gay not emotionless. He doesn't feel emotion for me. He feels plenty towards our children.

I work hard at ensuring that the children have the best deal possible. Their parents both love them very much. We also love each other just not in the conventional sense of the term marriage. I would change that in an instant if I could. Over time I have come to terms with the fact that I can't. There is no huge charade being played out here. No deception for the benefit of the kids.

I work away on business a couple of times a month. OM comes with me. I don't tell DH and he really doesn't need to know.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 16:55:28

Wow you really don't like your dh do you.

So you want to have your cake and eat it. Bit childish but if you don't care about the people in your family that you are hurting, why should strangers on the internet care.

Madamecastafiore Thu 10-Oct-13 17:00:48

You said he doesn't do emotion in you original post.

Your children will see that you do not act in a loving way towards each other and think this is normal.

I seriously doubt your kids would thank you for staying together when he emerges from the closet after they have left home and your little charade is no longer going on.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 17:02:41

I really like my DH. I love him.

I have to admit that it has been a rollercoaster of emotion to say that without resentment or anger or feeling terribly let down by him. It has taken all of my strength to get to that.

I have no desire to hurt him. I am not punishing him. I wished for years for things to be different. In the end I stopped wishing and I guess that is when I stopped kidding myself that things were going to change and just got on with reality.

Had the kids not happened this is not where we would be. But they did and here we are.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 17:04:09

Madamecastsfiore - my apologies. I meant that he doesn't do emotion with me. Not the kids - he is the perfect dad to the kids.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 17:05:51

You don't love him! You don't treat someone you love with contempt.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 17:12:18

Well - that's me told then.

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:18:20

I work hard at ensuring that the children have the best deal possible. Their parents both love them very much. We also love each other just not in the conventional sense of the term marriage. I would change that in an instant if I could. Over time I have come to terms with the fact that I can't. There is no huge charade being played out here. No deception for the benefit of the kids.

You can actually both continue to love your children and be honest with them about who you both are you know. Sorry, but it sounds to me that you are accustomed to your life as it is and you're not changing it through your own choice.

You are not chained up to this man, you can leave whenever you want.

Leavenheath Thu 10-Oct-13 17:19:37

You say you're curious to know how others perceive your situation and that's the reason you started this thread.

That is as much a delusion as your take on the future and the situation you're currently in, actually.

You knew exactly how most others would 'perceive your situation' so this thread has either been started for reasons of goadiness, or because you want a load of strangers to start unpeeling those layers of denial and delusion plus maybe you think you should feel some guilt and are using Mumsnetters to kick-start it again.

It must be a very odd and uncomfortable feeling not feeling guilty for doing something like this.

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