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(146 Posts)
BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 14:40:11

I await the flaming.

So I am having an affair with my ex.

I love my husband. We have two children. I can never leave my husband as he is the best father on the planet and I could never let the children be brought up by a web of step parents as I was. I know that if he found out about my infidelity it would of course be a deal breaker.

But after years of being with someone who doesn't love me back, who doesn't really do sex or emotion or anything of any depth I am finally feeling the love/passion/emotions that I used to feel when I was with normal people.

I'm not prepared to sacrifice the stability of my children's lives for the sake of my own happiness. I have made a conscious choice to make my life bearable for the foreseeable future.

And I think I'm starting to not feel guilty about it all.

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho Thu 10-Oct-13 14:42:34

But clearly you ARE prepared to sacrafice your childrens stable life or you'd not be doing this.

EdithWeston Thu 10-Oct-13 14:44:10

Do you think you'll feel good about it when you're discovered and it all comes crashing down? Your DC's stability is already under a damoclean sword. And you are the one who chose to out it there.

Better all round to end you marriage, and then pursue the relationship you prefer. For at least that way, you can plan the best arrangements for your DC, rather than have chaotic breakdown thrown at them.

maleview70 Thu 10-Oct-13 14:47:20

I have always wondered why when people make
Choices like this that they often choose someone where the danger of being caught is much higher and the chance of feelings developing is very high.

An ex? Is he not an ex for a reason?

TheCrumpetQueen Thu 10-Oct-13 14:57:41

Why are you telling us?

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 14:59:08

I shouldn't have married DH. I ignored a number of warning signals from the start (the lifestyle got in the way). I am almost sure that DH is gay. He is an amazing father and a good man. But he is in a heterosexual relationship with a woman and he is not really into women. I think that I fit his idea of what an ideal wife should be rather than having any real genuine feelings for me IYSWIM

No big deal regarding the ex. We weren't right for each other at the time. 15 years later and now we are. Life moves on. I don't live near him. He has never met DH. Separate lives really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 14:59:50

Surely step-parents are better for DCs than parents that don't like each other and/or shag around? hmm How long are you expecting to carry on like this?

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:01:23

I don't know Crumpet Queen.

Possibly because I just wanted to see what people think about this. I don't really talk to anyone about the secret part of my life. Curious to understand just how people would perceive the situation.

WhatTheRainKnows Thu 10-Oct-13 15:02:01

If you want validation, you're not likely to find it here. If you are not happy, do you really think the best thing for your children is for you to stay in an unhappy marriage? What if somehow you manage to keep this secret and they find out as adults the reason you're in an unhappy marriage is because of them?

As someone who was cheated on by their husband, I promise you if he doesn't already know he will find out.

Do him a favour, don't tell him it's with your ex. That's probably even worse than if it were someone new.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:03:05

It's not that we don't like each other. DH and I just don't really fit.

Shagging around as you refer to it has been going on for last 2 years.

I am planning on carrying on until the kids no longer need us to be together.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 15:05:33

Good luck then.

BucketArse Thu 10-Oct-13 15:06:48

I am planning on carrying on until the kids no longer need us to be together.

Wow. Way to fuck up your kids.

My mother stayed in an unhappy marriage 'for the sake of the kids'.

I've never forgiven her for the burden of guilt and resentment that's left me with.

The only decent thing you can do is end this sham of a marriage, OP. Your children won't thank you for maintaining this farcical situation until they're old enough to hate you for it.

EdithWeston Thu 10-Oct-13 15:09:54

Did your DH have any input into this "plan"? Does he know you want to dump him?

Better to get on and end the marriage, I think. Give him the opportunity to find a more loving partner.

WhatTheRainKnows Thu 10-Oct-13 15:11:10

That's a good point Edith, letting him have the opportunity to be with someone that really loves him. She clearly doesn't.

JustinBsMum Thu 10-Oct-13 15:11:41

Well, the DCs are being subjected to a home life with unloving parents which must have some influence on their understanding of married life and will affect their future relationships.

Perhaps the reason your relationship with ex is so good this time is because it's just sex and not commitment. Perhaps this suits you best coming from the background you do.

Perhaps as children get older they will realize something is not quite right.

But if homelife is genuinely happy despite this then best of luck.

makemineatripple Thu 10-Oct-13 15:12:57

Hmmmm, you're awaiting the flaming, but are you actually awaiting advice?

I'm not going to "flame" you. You're an adult, you know what you're doing and I assume you know the consequences. However, I think you're being slightly naïve to think that this will carry on undiscovered until your children grow up and don't need you to stay together anymore, as you put it. They will always need you. They don't necessarily need you to stay together, but they need you to be fair to them and them no doubt finding out in the future that you were having an affair for years is probably going to really affect them, don't you think?

Hatpin Thu 10-Oct-13 15:19:19

Why do you think if you left your DC would end up being brought up by a web of step parents? On your side at least you could choose not to involve a new partner too closely in your DC lives.

What about the practical aspects of a split - how would that affect you?

Albiebee Thu 10-Oct-13 15:23:20

I won't flame you, but I will tell you a true story.
A friend of mine recently found out that her parents had the same kind of marriage as you have. It devastated her to know that her parents, who she thought were happy were not, and that the strangeness of their lack of attraction to each other had affected how she dealt with relationships of her own and made her question, at the age of 30, her whole life and all of her relationships.
She only found out after her mother died lingeringly of cancer, after which her father decided to come out 'because life is too short'. It was utterly devastating and confusing to her to think that they had been unhappy all of their lives. She questioned her own existence, saying 'if only I hadn't been around perhaps they would have been happy'.

Do NOT do this to your children, be HONEST. I implore you.

Mojavewonderer Thu 10-Oct-13 15:30:20

I am confused about this thread. What are you asking for op? Someone to say its ok? I promise you when it all goes tits up and your husband dumps you it'll be even worse than if you just left your husband and rationally sorted things out. You will upset everyone around you including your kids who will be devastated.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:34:58

There wouldn't be a web of step parents from my side. It would just be me and my partner.

My DH is gay. Whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not he is. I love him. We love each other. If things were different I would choose to be in a 'I love you until the end of time' relationship with him and he would love me as much as I love him. Unfortunately there is this small problem where I am not attractive to him.

If we were to split then I am sure it would be amicable - I am not reliant on him for money etc. I have a business of my own that does well and I am more than capable of providing for myself and my children with or without a partner.

My parents split when I was young and I had two different step families. I hated it. All of it and could not bring myself to make this the life for my on children. I don't judge those who do but it is not a choice that I am able to make. There won't be a big reveal that devastates the lives of the kids - No 'oh and by the way, I have been shagging someone else for years' moment. There is no need for them to know really.

Life does not have to be one big soap opera and the eastenderd dumdumdums does it?

Can people not just get on with their lives quietly? See the 'other' person occasionally and still get on with family life? We are to all intents an purposes happier now than we have ever been as a family. I no longer expect to be 'loved' i.e. made love to, complemented, be aroused as I have found another emotional channel and DH is pleased to be left alone on that front. We laugh, joke, do things together and I have a bit on the side.

EdithWeston Thu 10-Oct-13 15:38:53

Does he have "a bit on the side" too?

If he doesn't, do you see how unfair you are being?

Goatshavestrangeeyes Thu 10-Oct-13 15:42:05

May I ask how you know he is gay?

Two people can be fantastic parents separately (I know plenty) and children can and often thrive in those situations rather than being in an environment where their parents are not happy.

Life really is too short to be in an unhappy marriage. You owe yourself, your husband and your children more than that.

BellaLasagna Thu 10-Oct-13 15:43:00

I don't know whether he does or not.

Three years ago I would have been devastated. That is the last time we had sex. Before that we hadn't had sex since my daughter's conception which happened 4 years before that.

If he has a bit on the side now then I am fine with this. This is no longer a deal breaker for me.

I just wouldn't want him to leave us as a family to be with anyone else as I wouldn't want to break the happiness of my children.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 10-Oct-13 15:43:04

If you are certain he is gay, then would it be possible to chat about both of you having people on the side?

SoupDragon Thu 10-Oct-13 15:45:26

How do you know he's gay? Perhaps he just doesn't fancy you and is looking for a way out himself.

Have you actually talked to him to sort this out?
Perhaps he wouldn't want to stay with someone who is being unfaithful - that should be his choice, not just yours.

I love my husband

But you don't respect him or care about him at all.

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