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How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

(585 Posts)
redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:28:23

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

redundantandbitter Tue 22-Oct-13 17:32:20

Ah thanks . It's a bad day, less bad day pattern at the moment. Today was terrible til Lunchtime. Spent the morning at work thinking I should phone in sick tomorrow (something I have never done) and spend 2 days on sofa.

Can't geT an app at the docs til 1st nov but will try for an emergency app tomorrow. I don't even know what to say to the doc as I am worried I won't be able to function with the Dc's if I take medication. I am totally wrecked. Tears . I feel a fraud as I'm not a wife and we didn't live together but the things we have been through !! And my future with him has gone up in smoke. All this talk of STI checks is just horrible. He knows I am soft and naive and I though I say I am NC the truth is he hasn't even tried to contact me for 3 weeks...and other posters say things like 'he's not eve thinking about you'. So utterly miserable. Sorry, bet you wish you hadn't asked now.

MuffCakes Tue 22-Oct-13 17:39:20

I really really really recommended the NC book

It's really amazing, and theres a difference when you decide to go NC and make a new start not have it thrust on you. She talks a lot about this one relationship she found the hardest to get over and she was the OW then. Really cannot push it on you enough!

Putitonthelist Tue 22-Oct-13 17:40:54

Do it. Phone in sick. Have a day on the sofa. Put some films on and have a good cry. Your bad days will get fewer and fewer, I promise you.

Don't be daft, you need to talk and get things of your chest. I thought about going on ADs but had already been on them during my unhappy marriage and decided to go through the pain without them. I think it was the right decision for me. And I completely understand, having to have a STI check is awful but it's better than the alternative x

redundantandbitter Tue 22-Oct-13 22:52:19

muffcakes thank you for the link. Another poster recommended Baggage Reclaim . I went to the site and I realised I had already committed half the list of do's/ 'don't already. This is the same author. Thanks for the idea.

Think I will muddle on through work tomorrow . Thanks ladies.

Wellwobbly Wed 23-Oct-13 05:58:36

As a housebound SAHM I would say 'carry on going to work' because work is bigger than you, it provides routine, it reminds you that there is a world out there and he might, just, eventually, become a small part of it.

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 10:01:57

Wobbly - I managed it today. But so f'ing exhausted. I know I wasn't married / kids etc with but I put my heart and soul into my relationship with him and I'm left totally blindsided. I' m still in shock. It's 6 weeks. He doesn't care. I am shattered. Tired. Stumbling around. Thinkmineill take tomorrow off. Then I am off with my Dc's til 5th nov - gives me one day to sleep. So very very sad . Thanks again

MuffCakes Wed 23-Oct-13 10:10:25

I think you should call in sick and spend a day on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself, then make some plans for half term and treat you and the dc. Sort some things out to look forward to and if you can afford it lots of eating out and takeaways because who wants to wash dishes and clear up the mess.

Wellwobbly Wed 23-Oct-13 10:21:49

As a wife, I have always said to OWs: you and I (the two idiot women) are sides of the same coin.

The horrible thing R&B, is that they tell us who they are and we don't believe them.

When my H was dick deep in OW he treated me like absolute sh*. Did I believe him? Or did I say to myself (with his help) 'he is depressed and confused, I need to understand him better'. Why wasn't I asking myself, 'what am I doing, hanging around with this person who isn't treating me nicely and who isn't my friend?'

We lie to ourselves, overlook stuff in order to invest in a situation and control it.

You did the same. He was telling you he was a cheat and a liar and was ultimately only thinking of himself by using other people, and you chose to believe it was soulmate love. (Hey, so did I when I first met Mr Sparkle, the only difference? We were both single).

There is no difference between us in terms of self-respect and living our lives authentically.
And our heartbreak is our lesson. Wise up, and get a proper life. Dont' fall for not nice men (who probably fear and dislike women anyway, certainly they have to in order to treat us like this).

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 15:59:32

Cheers - finished another incredibly tiring day at work - I have decided I can't face another day so will call in sick tomorrow . Feel really bad doing it but really struggling. And worried about burning out.

Taking the Dc's glamping next week but its going to be cold and wet and generally hard work - can't believe I booked it and it wasn't cheap! My exp was supposed to be coming with us and I could have done with a pair of hands. Now it's up to me to feed / keep everyone warm /happy . The Dc's keep asking if he's coming- even though I've made it very clear he isn't.

.wellwobbly - he held me at arms length for 2 weeks after he came back from 'spirit camp' , I had a feeling I was being pushed out. Didn't stop him Having sex with me though - got his priorities right. I went to visit him and was feeling strong and knarked enough to say 'hey mister, I need some commitment here!'. Something I just woukd never ever do. We are both flight and not fighters. But I knew something wasn't quite right... Then he says he's met another woman. Ahhhh , that explains it and spoiled my speech . Bugger

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 21:31:09

Hang in there Redundant, This bad will pass too, Great idea to take tomorrow off. Have a sofa day,- I'm sure a day of Jeremy Kyle will cheer you upsmile

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 21:45:57

Thanks. I have jobs to do.., really shit stuff that's piling up. My mum is STILL staying with me so I will have to watch time team and Poirot and what other shite stuff she wants to watch. I'll hide under a fleecy blanket .

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 21:52:41

ooh time team- that'll cheer you upsmile

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 22:00:02

Unfortunately it reminds me of my lovely exp (I know, I will get told off for calling him that but I still think of him as someone I love deeply).. My M and him would sit and watch it together on the odd occasion and they LOVED it .., it was like I wasn't in the room. I know she misses him too. She's just as shocked as I am. Sorry, going on again

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 22:14:42

Don't worry about thinking hes lovely - I still think of mine like that(he really was a lot of the time) I do hate those memory triggers thoughsad

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 23:16:07

I remember your posts cjel about defending him sometimes. You had many years together didn't you? God it's heartbreaking to hear people's lives. Once some of the 'occasions ' are out if the way things may look different. It's his birthday soon and them our anniversary - the first time we met. Wallow wallow wallow .. I'm off to sleep before I slip any deeper. Thanks, I appreciate it .

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 00:14:43

Hello redundant. You really must change that mine soon young lady!

Just checking in to see how you are. Feeling rather wistful I see this happens. Still happens to me now. But eventually you'll be able to look back at the good times and smile without regret.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 09:21:26

Got raging toothache so much much sleep. I regret it all bitoutofpractice -evey minute. Too much stress and anxiety and pain. I wish I'd never set eyes on him. He's broken me and he doesn't give a shit.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 09:56:03

Oh you poor thing. But you're not broken even though it feels like it right now (and I remember the feeling really well so I'm not dismissing it at all). You are stronger than you think. More resiliant than you imagine. You are a woman and a mother and you can and will get though this I promise.

Two things to do today:
1. get a dentist appointment
2. plan one nice thing for yourself. Do you belong to a gym? If so go and have a sauna. Have yougot a book you've been meaningto start? Make yourself a nest on the sofa and get started on it. Paint your nails. Make a fantastically elaborate lunch just for yourself. Go for a walk in the woods (it's a gorgeous day here). Go on. Do it! Do it all!

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:11

Morning redundant, Hope you can sort out your toothache. Yes we were together 35 years and don't waste time in regret. There must have been good times, Yes he has let you down but now he should no longer have any control over your life. The best revenge is to live a good life. It will pass and you will feel better. Give yourself a bit hug today (well after getting rid of the pain)
Perhaps you can persuade dm that time team isn't a good idea today as you are so poorlyxxxflowerssmile

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:17

You've been here ? I can't imagine being out of this f'ing hole. I' m missing him dreadfully and can't quite believe that he's not been in touch. I could be dead for all he knows/cares. Just a couple of months ago we had such a fantastic time doing loads of things we'd talked about. How can he have been so stupid to 'be distracted by a strong wind' - so basically he was pottering along with me and then something else came along. Sooooo absolutely no
Commitment to me, nothing, not a backwards glance. I was totally his, no question. This pain is horrible. Ok, it's a bad day.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:29

'big' not 'bit'

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:14:36

Made an app with dentist but is not til tomorrow. After my counselling session. I'm such a f'king mess. Lost so much weight. Sorry, I can't do the gym or anything .., I'm in floods . Did the school run and walked the dog , I have so many jobs to do I feel weighed down . I know I know I am stupid. A clever bright person would never have let herself get into this state.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:20:52

give over !! Any person - clever or stupid would feel the same as youflowers
Don't you have a walk in dentist near you?
You have done school run and dog walk and made dentist appt its not 10.30? you really aren't giving yourself any credit for the way you are managing.
The right way to cope is to do what you can , feel what you feel and don't stress about the rest. I had times when getting out of bed, shower and breakfast took me till 12 or 1. Then I may have 2or 3 hours when I made the bed or did some washing then when it got dark about 4 sat and cried for the evening.

You may be a mess but its a normal mess and you will pass through it.
As for all the things you have to do - put one foot in front of the other and make a move towards doing one and see how you get on.
Consider What would happen if you sat and watched tv and did none of them today?

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:38:03

Thank so much for listening me whine on.. I am in a never ending circle of tears. I have taken the day off and I feel very guilty about it. Would love to slob but I have my freelance work to do before tomorrow and the place is a tip
. I am here on MN reaching out instead... Coz i feel so shit. I managed day to day and he was the nice part of my day. Texts, phone calls, seeing him to chat and laugh ..and really lovely fantastic sex.. I miss the intimacy and trust. I'm struggling to understand.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 11:27:30

I don't think you will ever understand.The person you had isn't the same as this one doing all this. It isn't a reflection of you,It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong or are not good enough.
Try not to torture yourself trying to work it all out. The hardest part is realising you are now alone to look after yourself.
This confusion and misery is very normal I'm afraidxx

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