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How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

(585 Posts)
redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:28:23

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Whatnext074 Wed 09-Oct-13 23:36:45

Just to say that I feel for you. Almost 4 weeks on and I'm the same except I know my H will not come back. Would you take your H back?

I personally don't think I could be friends with H, even in time as it would hurt too much. Keep on with the NC, I'm doing it but I know how hard it is.

You say the days are long and by your name, do you have anything to distract you during the day - are you working?

ConfusedandDazed24 Wed 09-Oct-13 23:40:20

But look how that panned out for Sinitta?! grin

Seriously though OP, I understand how shit this can be. I had an ex who did this, I also knew his patterns and I found myself on edge most of the time waiting for the next contact. Best advice is to block all you can so he can't get to you. If on twitter/FB delete and block, block his number if you can (if you're on an iPhone iOS7 lets you do that now I think), can add his email address to blocked senders. What would be your response if he does make contact?

redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:43:40

Thanks . Should change my name as its old. Yes, working , physically hard outside work. Could be a blessing. I should add that weren't married. I was OW to start, but had last 2 years together . I appreciate you all hate OW and I hate myself too. I was obviously incredibly naiive to think we had learnt from our crappy mistakes and were bit more grown up. I have certainly learnt some hard lessons. Thought he had too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 07:53:07

Four weeks isn't very long at all. I think all you can do is stay out of contact, take it one day at a time (bit clichéd but can't think of a better way to say it), endure the bad days and make the most of the good days. On a good day stay busy, have plans, be with friends, chuck a bit more of his stuff in the bin, repaint a wall, drive to the coast .... whatever would make you happy. There does come a point where the good days start to outnumber the bad ones and you just have to keep yourself occupied until that happens.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 08:07:32

Thanks cog.still feel on edge , still having those internal
Dialogues about what happened, where, why? Why couldn't he just sit and talk to me like a normal human/friend . Why all the spiritual crap. I am so disappointed, yesterday wasn't a bad day. I kept holding into the thought that he's emotionally immature.. And can't handle his own feeling or anyone else's. he's going on a course soon to be a hypnotherapist and I am
Astonished that he thinks he responsible enough to charge people to look inside their feelings. Still doesn't help my loneliness but it makes me 'down grade' him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 08:15:06

I think how you're feeling is normal. Not much comfort, I know, but it's the grief process working it's way through and the classic cyclical response to change.... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Internal dialogues are bargaining. Deciding he's emotionally illiterate is anger. It's why you need to stay occupied so that getting to acceptance doesn't totally mess up your ability to live normally.

deXavia Thu 10-Oct-13 08:25:14

I read your previous threads and you reminded me so much of a close friend (you're not her but very similar situation) that I couldn't post without bringing my frustrations over from her.
But on this point can I ask - do you historically get over one person by finding another? Was part of being the OW a way out from your previous relationship? It may be that's the issue you need to address - not so much how you get over him but how you accept being by yourself.
As I say I may be projecting so ignore me if this is t the case but I'd try and switch your thoughts from being about 'his' behavior and more about your own.
But in the short term it's finding distractions and 'slapping yourself' every time you fund yourself counting down to the mythical 5 week deadline (based in last time) or the 'couple of weeks' based on what he said to you before.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 08:28:56

Would you "stay friends" with anyone else that treated you like this ?

He isn't your friend

Who wants to do that...him ? To salve his conscience, look what a good guy I am really. Or you, in an esteem shattering way of staying close hoping he will come back to you

Look love, he is a cheater. Always was.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 08:36:11

God it's hard isn't it? All the churning feelings, going over it all, asking pointless questions, what ifs. I feel for you I truly do.

I don't think there's a set time about how long you will feel like this. It'll take the time it takes. Be kind to yourself

Things I found helped:

- keep busy. No staring into space. Even if it's a crossword or whatever. Keep yourself occupied

- write it down. I wrote dozens of letters to my ex. Of course I didn't send them. But it felt cathartic to write it down and get it out of my head iykwim

- when I was asking myself all those pointless questions, I would say, outloud "IT DOESNT MATTER". Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what happened, how he's feeling, what you did, what you could've done etc etc because it fundamentally doesn't change anything. And even if you knew the answers, they are unlikely to make you feel any better. So, it doesn't matter.

I also had some mindless but wonderful sex with a very lovely fuck buddy but I'm not sure that's always advisable.

Like cognito says, take it one day at a time. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad. And you'll look in the mirror and realise you're through it

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:40

Simon Cowell has friends? hmm

Sorry - as you were.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 10:19:04

Thanks, yes I will take the 'it doesn't matter" advice and use it. Though my mother is going down that line. It's hard to take my attention from him. I was completely absorbed in that relationship for 4 years and felt like we had just started to settle properly . My relationship with Dc's dad was WELL over and we both agreed that. I am 43, single parent, crisp job.. And I really can't imagine letting another close partner in. Even the thought of mindless fuck buddy sex makes me feel sick. Though I'm glad it works for some folk . Back
At relate tomorrow. Thanks COG for the stages of grief. Helps actually xxxx

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 10:31:07

crap job

piratecat Thu 10-Oct-13 10:58:47

you have to unwind from a relationship, and it does take time, there's no timescale though.

It's good days and bad, you think you've learnt from it one day and feel you're going backwards another. Yet i always say to myself, life will carry on going, time keeps ticking and you have to too.

I'm single parent, your age and it's a funny age, it's hard but don't keep looking back. xx

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 16:20:37

Yes piratecat I agree with the unravelling. I can hear myself saying this to him with his marriage. Doh. whatnext074 thanks for your words. I know you are going through an horrendous time too. Today I was late for work, too hard getting out of bed, motivating DCs and crap car. A woman shouted at me in the street and I burst into tears. Its hard to accept that my EXP is swanning about without a single thought about the trail of destruction in his wake. I feel heavily responsible for EXWs pain. Wish I had posted here when he first whirlwinded into my life and you could have talked some sense into me. I had a cold uninterested aloof P, new baby, made redundant on mat leave and no money. It was pants. Still no excuse for affair but I'm wiser now. I just never experienced pain like this . With Dc's dad for 17yrs and previous to that ,at college, men just came and went , things ended naturally. Never heartbroken like this. Poo

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 16:27:34

Resist the temptation to think in terms of 'Karma' or something similar punishing you for past wrongs. Life simply doesn't work that way. He was an arse then, is an arse now and will die an arse. It is poo but what can you do except keep getting out of bed in the morning, firing up the crap car and sticking your nose out of the front door...

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 16:56:35

I agree with cog. Don't best yourself up now. Just concentrate on being calm to yourself and healing.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 11:32:05

So I went to Relate yesterday which was helpful to unload and cry . But slightly set back by the suggestion of the councellor that my EXP is having a mid- life crisis (doing the 'whooo' spiritual stuff) and there's a chance he will return . I know it's only her opinion and she sees these things a lot, but I really need to hear that he's gone and let him go. It hurts so much to think he's having a 'blip'. Would i want someone so flaky and destructive? She also said she could use me to others as a textbook example of how to manage separation - living separately, not in each others pockets, giving each other space, taking time to introduce kids. I think she was being honest and positive but it just made me breakdown in floods. Today is not a good day. I appreciate he's gone. He hasn't been in touch for 2 weeks. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 11:39:21

Whenever I hear the phrase 'midlife crisis' I want to reach for my service revolver.... It's such a get out of jail free card for a middle-aged person doing anything selfish or unusual. I am middle-aged... I can be deliberately selfish and/or unusual and it's emphatically not a 'crisis'. You can't base the rest of your life on the assumption that this is a temporary thing - waiting for him to wake up and click his newly spiritual fingers? - you have to keep living.

It's just a bad day... Look after yourself.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 11:45:29

I know, thanks. She was just trying to say that SOME people between the ages of 40 and 50 struggle to leave behind their youth and start grasping at things they feel they 'should' have done. Yeah she's probably right, he's having some fun. Whatever. But it's the thought that she thinks he may come back. I don't want spiritual hippy idiot back, I want the old him. So I know I will have to plod on, it's fine. Still got a few things around the house that he gave me as presents and I can't get rid as the kids will
Notice . A big board poster in my fireplace with a very romantic message for instance. They don't know he's gone, I just told the older dd that he's busy with his course and won't be coming to the house anymore. They still mention him happily in passing, it's a real dagger in the heart. Sorry

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 11:50:19

I think, two weeks in, and given that you're not actually being given the choice of whether you want him back or not, hippy or no hippy .... you're going to have to level with the DCs.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 16:17:32

Can't tell the kids . Their dad has moved out and married super fast, so much has changed for them. I'm not going to land another bomb shell now. It's not what I wanted.. People coming and going in their lives, actutely aware of that. Two failed relationships looks bloody crap. And my mother dragging me to Ikea that is full of pregnant ladies and people holding hands wasn't a good idea . Now I am poorer and have stuff that I don't have the tools or energy to assemble. Just kept seeing things he and his dds would like. argh. I need a slap. I desperately want to see him again though I know it wouldn't help. Do people simply NEVER see their ex p's again?

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 21:15:53

So, I tweeted his friend. Someone I really got on well with (and his wife too). Talked about music etc and then he dropped it into the conversation that it was a shame about me and EXP. He thinks he's still trying to 'find his inner soul and the meaning of life' . I just know if me and his friend and his wife were all in the same room we would be rolling our eyes and mouthing 'whatever'. How come some people are grounded and happy with their lot - and some can't see what they have and need to 'find their inner soul'? Even my DB, who is struugling with his own issues, said he was disappointed that my EXP couldn't keep his penis in his pants. Sorry to rant, I'm still so upset and confused and its been a hard, wet, cold week. sad

CinemaNoir Wed 16-Oct-13 21:51:50

Yes, some people simply never see their expartners again.. Just like that. It is the only thing that works when it is painful for one party.

I think you need to make that cut too. Even for your kids sake. And I suppose that your kids can sense that something's amiss anyway even though you say they don't know he's gone.

Draw a line, do whatever you need to do to end this (in your head and heart). Clear out his stuff, unfriend his friends on twitter and fb.. Even if they have also become your friends... When it comes down to it you have to rid yourself of everything and everyone to do with your ex.

Don't count mythological numbers in your head like PP said, and I agree, keep busy, don't hang onto the midlife crisis excuse... Your ex has left ou for another woman - do you really want him back ?

Start a new life for yourself. Change your furniture around, try and meet some new people, change your hairstyle.. Out with the old.

I have never managed to stay friends with an ex, especially when I have been dumped.

I am really sorry for this shit you are going through, have also read your other thread. Cut him out of your life or you might be in for a prolonged ending.... I am talking from experience. You need to be stronger than this!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:17:39

Thank you - I was doing ok, well sort of, til I read the tweet. I shouldn't have picked the scab. Now I'm crying and typing. I suppose I thought his friends wouldn't know coz I assume he's keeping new shiny lady quiet. She has a separate group of hippy friends that he can slot straight into. I expect he is embarrassed to tell people he's left me - as most of them Will say 'but she was nice, you said you loved her'. He won't want anyone to know he has fucked up and moved on again, especially his EXW. I have let him go quietly but inside I am dying slowly. I do hate what he's done and I tell myself that the lovely man I knew has changed and gone but its lonely you know. Missing the physical warmth. He was always very tactile. I feel
Like shit

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