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DP texting his ex..

(63 Posts)
Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:52:06

Have name changed as didn’t want other posts linked to this. I’ve lurked and posted on many thread in relationships, and now really need some advice on my own relationship.

I’ve only been with my dp four months, and we’ve had quite a lot of ups and downs already. We have amazing chemistry, get on really well, and see a future sometime in the future, but we also have some really serious problems.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety and so can get upset, go quiet, don’t talk, and generally need a bit of support. I also had quite a bad childhood, and therefore get scared in arguments easily and flinch and shut down if there’s any sign of aggression.

My dh also had a difficult childhood. His parents were very controlling and still are now, and treated him very badly. He now avoids confrontation at all costs, and will get extremely defensive and be unable to understand my point of view if anything even gets slightly confrontational. He also had a very controlling girlfriend in the past who wouldn’t let him see other women, would be on his facebook/texts all the time. He was with her for 4 years.

Before he met me, he was seeing a woman for about a year. They were going on dates etc, talked a lot, for a long time, though were never ‘official’. When we got together, he told her about me, she got a bit funny about it and then started talking to him more - she then admitted she was talking to him more now as she was jealous of me. Since then, she’s done things like text at 3am asking if he’s out, and that she misses him etc. I said the fact that they talk makes me very uncomfortable, and he promised me that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Now I find out he carried on texting her. I snooped on his phone this morning as I saw her name pop up a few days ago, and I had to know what was going on. I know I shouldn’t have done but I didn’t want to be treated like a fool. I thought he’d lie about it if I asked him outright (and I was right). The texts they sent started at the end of September (I don’t know how long before that as he’d deleted them). I asked after I’d snooped whether they still talked, he said no. I then told him what I’d found. The texts were initiated by him quite a few of the times, asking ‘how are you?’ etc. The messages didn’t seem romantic but there were a lot of them. They made no mention of me whatsoever – even mentioned things we’d done together but no mention that he’d done them with me. He was planning to see her in Manchester when they both have a conference up there for a week. She’s also just moved to another city, and sent a text saying ‘sorry I didn’t say bye to you in the end, I was too upset’.

When I first asked if he was texting her still, he sent me a screenshot of all his texts menu, showing no texts apart from three people. Isn't it a bit of a coincidence that he deleted most of his conversations half an hour after I asked if they were still talking? (He didn't know that I had definitely snooped at this point, so presumedly was trying to pretend they didn't text).

He says today that he was texting her because he hated feeling controlled and thought it was like in his first relationship, when he felt completely controlled. I understand this, but wished he could have talked to me about it instead of going behind my back. If I didn’t snoop I have know idea how long it would have gone on for.

I feel devastated that he’s broken a promise like this and kept something from me that he knew I’d feel hurt by.

How bad is this? I feel like I can’t trust him at all, but I’ve completely fallen for him. If it’s just his impulse not to be controlled, I could deal with that eventually, but I just don’t know how to make peace with the lying and keeping it from me. He said he’ll do anything to help me trust him again and says he’s so sorry (after an hour of talking where he minimised and didn’t really say sorry.)

I think this has been really long, sorry. I’d be really grateful for any advice, even though I know this isn’t nearly as bad as some posters’ experience on here… thank you

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:24:04

Sorry I haven't replied much, I just feel completely worn down by this and also haven't been free to reply. I know I can't help him or do it for him. He had his first therapy appointment today. I told him it's nothing to do with me and he has to sort this out by himself. I won't tell him who he can and can't speak with (though I didn't actually ban him before), but I'm going to distance myself for a while and focus on myself whilst he tries to work through his issues. I don't know if we'll get back together.Most of the posts here have really helped, and forced me to see things for how serious they really are. So thank you very much

humphryscorner Thu 10-Oct-13 13:06:46

op hope your feeling better today-

There is lots of good advice on here, just ignore the sarcastic comments they can't help them selfs !

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 13:02:26

The other serious warning I want to give you, is the one you are overlooking:

and that is, he is keeping you whilst contacting his ex (and refusing to see what is wrong with that, or stopping it).

The only person who is capable of doing things to suit them, whilst not caring about the hurt or feelings of the person they are hurting, LACKS EMPATHY.

What sort of person is incapable of imagining what it is like in another's shoes?

Do you want to be attached to someone who doesn't know or care what it is like to be and feel, you?

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 11:08:31

Ups and downs in four months-that just isn't right. If you want to stay with him then you're probably depriving yourself of a much healthier relationship with someone, where, after four months, there's no ups and downs, because, there shouldn't be any, there should be lots of laughter and adventures.

You can't even trust him to tell you the truth.

If you feel you're not worthy and any scrap of a relationship will do then perhaps it's more about you focusing on your self worth and self esteem and getting help for that.

NothingsLeft Thu 10-Oct-13 10:22:54

Two unresolved crap childhoods will lead to misery and heartache. It has already led to lots of ups and downs by four months and having some really serious problems - your words.

I speak from experience on this one.
It really doesn't matter how well you get on, how much you have in common, how similar your outlooks/values are, it will not be enough. There are deep rooted issues here.

I know its hard but forget about him, just concentrate on sorting yourself out. Read the book recommendations, invest in some good therapy. This relationship will write years off your life and it will all have been for nothing.

I wish I had MN when I was in this situation. Honestly, take the advice.

Wellwobbly Thu 10-Oct-13 09:53:16

I want to help so we can move forward together, - CODEPENDENT RED FLAG

OP, you CANNOT help another person. You can't. He is giving you strong hints you can't, by talking about 'controlling' whilst doing things to hurt YOU.

Give up, let go, and run. Seriously, run. Work on yourself, and ask yourself why such an unhealthy person 'speaks' to you.

Just in case you haven't got it yet, he IS going to hurt you and make you unhappy. And there is not a thing you, your good intentions and your love can to to change that. Because this isn't you, it is HIM. And you wanting to 'change/help/heal/improve' him isn't about him, its about YOU.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Oct-13 09:45:43

I take the points about snooping being wrong and banning friends being controlling, as indeed they are in most circumstances, BUT I think I would be a bit inclined to drop a friend myself if they thought texting at 3am was acceptable, and would definitely be a bit cheesed off with a partner who felt obliged to answer said text while we were in bed together.

Whocansay Thu 10-Oct-13 08:20:03

I can't understand why you think that going through 'lots of ups and downs' after 4 months is a good sign?

And I haven't been 'dating' for a very long time, but is it really acceptable to go searching through others people's private correspondence now?

All you found was friendly conversation. You found NOTHING to suggest anything untoward. But you feel he's the 'bad guy' here. You have no trust and there is no relationship.

amber381 Thu 10-Oct-13 07:55:54

I agree with what most people are saying here. Fairly early on in my relationship with dh, an ex of mine called me for a chat, I was completely open about it to my then quite new bf, he told me he wasn't really comfortable with me speaking to this ex. I knew I would feel the same way if he did that so that was it, I never spoke to this ex again. Ever. It was not hard, I cared about my new bf, not some ex who may still have feelings for me or may just want to be friends.

If your bf is not able to do the same for you I don't think he is worth your time or energy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 10-Oct-13 07:16:12

No trust - no relationship.

You certainly learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when growing up and unsurprisingly all that is being carried forward into your adult life now. It will remain the case unless you yourself work on you and deal properly with your own issues to date.

The respondent who called you codependent is right.

He was never your project either to rescue and or save. Love your own self for a change, I do not think you ever have.

A few sessions of psychotherapy on his part is in no way going to undo all the stuff he has learnt to date. He will need years of therapy and even then it is likely that he will not attend more than a couple of sessions anyway.

You're both damaged by your past experiences and are thus driven by the great highs and crushing lows. Its the drama and attention you both crave (it becomes addictive) but this is clearly not what a relationship should be like only 4 months in.

I do not think that either you or he actually know what a normal healthy relationship actually is. I do not think also that either of you have ever known what a loving relationship is truly like so you won't get that with each other now.

Do yourself a favour and separate from this individual now before you further mess up your own life. The only thing you really have in common is your damaged upbringings and both of you simply put are acting out your issues within this. You cannot use each other to fix your own selves and clearly he does not want either your so called help or support. You are too close to the situation to be of any use to him.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 07:01:20

Op can I ask again what kind of things you've been rowing about?

Leverette Thu 10-Oct-13 06:45:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinkyWinkola Thu 10-Oct-13 06:44:14

You should be having a real laugh at this stage.

Smitten and starry eyed with each other.

This sounds shite.

Why would you stay in this boring, tormented relationship?

He sounds like a prize manipulator as well. Stringing you both along.

He's not a catch and he's certainly not right for you.

It just shouldn't be such a struggle at this early stage

Have some fun for goodness sake

JustBecauseICan Thu 10-Oct-13 06:40:26

You believe all this about them not being official, only ever dating, never having sex etc.......why?

You blame yourself for the issues in your fledgling relationship.....why?

Everything is wonderful because you have so much in common. No chick, everything is wonderful (except it clearly isn't) because it's a new relationship.

And please, never fall for the "look here's my phone, read my messages, no password, facebook transparency" shite.

Have you checked his other FB account? His deleted messages?


You are already in a mess in this relationship, seriously, cut your losses and scram.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 02:07:36

Yeah that's exactly what I've thought as well, stringing him along. Apart from this texting, even if only friendly, he hasn't given me any reason to think he's not happy with me and would want anything with anyone else.. But i know I'm never going to know for sure that nothing will happen between them(and wouldn't want to constantly spy on him to find that out anyway)..

MiniMonty Thu 10-Oct-13 02:07:28

Eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves.
Fool to look and fool to hungry be now.

Twiddlebum Thu 10-Oct-13 01:57:36

Why had they never slept together??? Sounds like she was stringing him along because she liked the company but never really fancied him. Now she's changed her mind..... I would be really worried about what would happen when they meet.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:51:05

I know I've been investing too much into this relationship too early... I've told him I need space and to think. We definitely need to spend more time making sure we can deal with our problems individually. It's obvious things can't carry on as they are, it's too much for both of us

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:44:12

*honestly doesn't give me any reason generally to doubt...

Bogeyface Thu 10-Oct-13 01:42:28

You are trying to save a marriage, after 4 months of dating.

Nothing is worth this amount of effort after 17 weeks, it just isnt.

You two are not right for each other, better to accept that now than enrol into a world of hurt.

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:37:15

Thank you for your reply twiddlebum. I think you're right about her changing her mind once he was no longer available. You want what you can't have etc.. The texts had nothing romantic from his side whatsoever, which is what calms me a bit, and he said when we met that he was seeing someone but there was no real spark/chemistry, and that it kept going for long because they have so much in common (career wise mainly) and he thought that might be enough. Obviously now it plays on my mind that maybe he does still like her, and that's why he continued to talk to her, but he honestly gives me any reason generally to doubt his feelings for me - we talk a lot, see each other a lot, and he's all over me in terms of sex (sorry if tmi). It seems to me that he continued to talk to her because he was mainly friends with her rather than romantic (they never slept together, and he's said that consistently even when we first met when there would be no reason to say that)...and of course because he couldn't stand to be controlled. Which still doesn't make it excusable, but at least that would mean there are no romantic feelings there.

Sorry I know I've ranted loads on here, it helps to write down what I'm thinking, even if it sounds as though I'm only trying to convince myself sad

Twiddlebum Thu 10-Oct-13 01:27:36

I normally get annoyed on mumsnet because people on here are so quick to say LTB when in my opinion things could be fix but in this case I honestly think you need to get out now!!

It sounds like they weren't 'official' because she wasn't into him as much as he was so wanted to keep options open. It wasn't until you were on the scene that she has changed her mind. If he has got feelings for her (and it sounds like he has) then your relationship is doomed) it is always going to be lurking in the background!!
Sounds very Diana, Charles and camilla to me and we all know how that ended!! Sorry, big hugs hmm

Camilla126 Thu 10-Oct-13 01:24:26

Which bits sound like him, can I ask? I know what you mean about those who say others are controlling...that was my first thought too. But in retrospect, I did effectively ban him from taking to his ex, even if indirectly. Is there any case where you can say 'I don't want you to talk to her/him' without it being controlling, or is it a sign generally that the relationship is doomed? I just wanted a bit of respect at the beginning of the relationship, not to ban him from talking to someone forever.

Spree Thu 10-Oct-13 01:17:41

And IME, people who accuse others of controlling are often the controllers themselves, albeit manipulatively, slyly so

Spree Thu 10-Oct-13 01:15:55

I'm coming to the end of a 23 year relationship with a man who sounds just like this.

Echoing everybody else who has said it .... Run!!!!!!!!

If I had known what I know now and was 4 months into a relationship like this, I'd run and not look back.

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