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DP texting his ex..

(63 Posts)
Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:52:06

Have name changed as didn’t want other posts linked to this. I’ve lurked and posted on many thread in relationships, and now really need some advice on my own relationship.

I’ve only been with my dp four months, and we’ve had quite a lot of ups and downs already. We have amazing chemistry, get on really well, and see a future sometime in the future, but we also have some really serious problems.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety and so can get upset, go quiet, don’t talk, and generally need a bit of support. I also had quite a bad childhood, and therefore get scared in arguments easily and flinch and shut down if there’s any sign of aggression.

My dh also had a difficult childhood. His parents were very controlling and still are now, and treated him very badly. He now avoids confrontation at all costs, and will get extremely defensive and be unable to understand my point of view if anything even gets slightly confrontational. He also had a very controlling girlfriend in the past who wouldn’t let him see other women, would be on his facebook/texts all the time. He was with her for 4 years.

Before he met me, he was seeing a woman for about a year. They were going on dates etc, talked a lot, for a long time, though were never ‘official’. When we got together, he told her about me, she got a bit funny about it and then started talking to him more - she then admitted she was talking to him more now as she was jealous of me. Since then, she’s done things like text at 3am asking if he’s out, and that she misses him etc. I said the fact that they talk makes me very uncomfortable, and he promised me that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

Now I find out he carried on texting her. I snooped on his phone this morning as I saw her name pop up a few days ago, and I had to know what was going on. I know I shouldn’t have done but I didn’t want to be treated like a fool. I thought he’d lie about it if I asked him outright (and I was right). The texts they sent started at the end of September (I don’t know how long before that as he’d deleted them). I asked after I’d snooped whether they still talked, he said no. I then told him what I’d found. The texts were initiated by him quite a few of the times, asking ‘how are you?’ etc. The messages didn’t seem romantic but there were a lot of them. They made no mention of me whatsoever – even mentioned things we’d done together but no mention that he’d done them with me. He was planning to see her in Manchester when they both have a conference up there for a week. She’s also just moved to another city, and sent a text saying ‘sorry I didn’t say bye to you in the end, I was too upset’.

When I first asked if he was texting her still, he sent me a screenshot of all his texts menu, showing no texts apart from three people. Isn't it a bit of a coincidence that he deleted most of his conversations half an hour after I asked if they were still talking? (He didn't know that I had definitely snooped at this point, so presumedly was trying to pretend they didn't text).

He says today that he was texting her because he hated feeling controlled and thought it was like in his first relationship, when he felt completely controlled. I understand this, but wished he could have talked to me about it instead of going behind my back. If I didn’t snoop I have know idea how long it would have gone on for.

I feel devastated that he’s broken a promise like this and kept something from me that he knew I’d feel hurt by.

How bad is this? I feel like I can’t trust him at all, but I’ve completely fallen for him. If it’s just his impulse not to be controlled, I could deal with that eventually, but I just don’t know how to make peace with the lying and keeping it from me. He said he’ll do anything to help me trust him again and says he’s so sorry (after an hour of talking where he minimised and didn’t really say sorry.)

I think this has been really long, sorry. I’d be really grateful for any advice, even though I know this isn’t nearly as bad as some posters’ experience on here… thank you

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:52:43

That's stupidly long sorry..thank you to anyone who manages to get through it

Sleepyhoglet Wed 09-Oct-13 18:55:24

Why weren't they 'official'? Sounds like he was still sort of with her but I officially when you got together with him.

Mum2Fergus Wed 09-Oct-13 18:59:10

Sorry, but 4 months in and this is what it's like?! Do yourself a favour and head for the hills...

WiddleAndPuke Wed 09-Oct-13 19:00:17

He's keeping his options open, lying about it and blaming you. Nice.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 19:02:39

So he is already using "I don't want to be controlled" as an excuse for some rather dodgy deceitful behaviour

Slippery slope, my love

This is a new relationship. I suggest you get out of it now and acknowledge those reds flags are a-flying

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:05:30

I don't know why they weren't official..not that serious I guess. They just went on dates and went places together. He had a date with her for after we met, but cancelled it when he met me. He's very loving towards me, lots of affection etc, but his childhood/past relationship stuff seems to affect everything...

AnyFucker Wed 09-Oct-13 19:12:15

Do you want a relationship with this man at any cost ?

because it looks like you will pay a high price for this one if you stay in it

don't say you weren't warned

Squitten Wed 09-Oct-13 19:16:51

4mths should be honeymoon phase - having fun, nights out, lots of shagging. You shouldn't already be spending time wondering who he's talking to and trying to analyse his behaviour!

You don't have to make peace with a liar. Dump, dump, dump!

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:19:50

When we first had the arguments when it was clear his confrontation issues were the main factor, I told him I was not prepared to just sit back and take his anger, and he had to sort it out. He booked in for some psychotherapy, and has his first appointment this week. If he can show he's committed to working through this, I can deal with it. He's already started communicating better when we have disagreements, even though I can tell how much it scares him when there are arguments.

What I'm trying to say is that he's a good person but struggles with a lot. I want to help so we can move forward together, but I'm trying to work out if this latest thing is too much for me to move past.

ImperialBlether Wed 09-Oct-13 19:20:55

It makes me wonder what really happened in that first relationship. He's lied to you, he's sending furtive texts and tbh it sounds as though he was still seeing her when he was with you.

Run, run!

Madeleine10 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:26:17

No no no...It's much too early in a new relationship to be having this sort of tedious rubbish going on, having to check his phone, him lying, deleting texts, blah blah boring blah.

It should be the best time of any new relationship, both of you head over heels, eyes for no one else etc. He clearly isn't ready to have a proper relationship with anyone, nor will he be till he sorts his issues with "control" out. (I put that in inverted commas as I'm not 100% sure that is what it's really about, could be an excuse to cover the fact he is just seeing someone behind your back, and wants to keep both of you, who knows?) Whatever the reason, if he is serious about you, she would be gone. But she is still there and he is clearly determined to keep her there, too.

Honestly, there are so many alarm bells here..I would move on before you get in any deeper.

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:26:46

I know he wasn't seeing her when he first got together as we spent nearly every day together when we first met.. I met his friends, I've met some of his family (that he gets on with)..

Spelt Wed 09-Oct-13 19:27:23

So basically you want him to change?

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:30:31

He knows he has to change for himself, he says he'd do that whether we were together or not.. He's not an angry person generally, it's just that his guard goes up as soon as there's a confrontation (parents emotionally and physically abused him), which is understandable, although I know that doesn't make it acceptable towards me. I tell him that.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 09-Oct-13 19:31:44

If this is how things are 4 months in, I would be calling time on the relationship. Save yourself the heartache and move on.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 09-Oct-13 19:32:18

A cynical person might say that he has a perfectly worked out system for getting what he wants and having no consequences. He has everyone just where he wants them and you are not allowed to do anything about it because he finds confrontation hard. A cynical person might think that this behaviour is exactly the same as a lying, cheating, manipulative, borderline abusive person might use.

If I found confrontation hard I might choose; to not lie; not continue to initiate contact with an ex; be open and honest with my new GF about boundaries. He is lying, being 'extremely defensive', stringing you both along and doesn't sound worth all this stress.

Tell him to get help alone and when he is capable of a healthy relationship he can call you. You might be single and you might still want to see him.

Madeleine10 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:32:31

First change has to be ditching this woman.

Camilla126 Wed 09-Oct-13 19:37:31

He's sent her a text saying they can't talk anymore, taken the pin off his phone, given me his Facebook password..everything. He said he'll never talk to her again for anything, ever

ivegotaniphone Wed 09-Oct-13 19:42:41

After only four months I'm not sure you should be even know how he reacts in an argument. What are all these arguments after only four months? It doesn't sound at all as though this is a life enhancing relationship OP

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 09-Oct-13 19:44:33

Best advice you could take is all here.


And spend some time on your own issues; therapy, reading.

Please don't believe that if he just gets his 'control' thi g sorted he will be the man to rescue you.

Run run run. You deserve SO much better than this lying, cheating, dissembling, damaged person.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 09-Oct-13 19:51:03

What the hell are you disagreeing about so soon into the relationship.

5 months into a relationship here and not a cross word yet although we have had some serious talks about stuff from our pasts

You're 4 months in - you should be having wild sex, laughing, having fun and getting to know each other. Not arguing

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 19:51:43

Four months in and he already needs therapy to work things through? shock This is a golden opportunity to get past your aversion to conflict and reject this person. He's taking you for a fool

itwasarubythatshewore Wed 09-Oct-13 19:59:52

Please get hold of and read a book called 'Women Who Love Too Much'. I suspect you won't, but it's worth a shot. You are seriously deeply into codependent 'fixer' territory here. At 4 months, he's a boyfriend not your partner. You should not be wanting to "help" fix change a man you barely know with relationship problems. People who are disposed to doing this have plenty of their own issues to address. (Not being a bitch, I'm talking from experience)

BitOutOfPractice Wed 09-Oct-13 20:03:30

OK I'm going to say it

I read a lot of thread son the Relationships board and it never fails to amaze me just how quickly people (it's often women on here because most posts are by women) dive so quickly head first into reltionships without taking a backwards glance.

I only amazes me even more that these women are often not in the first flush of youth and usually have kids.

What's wrong with dating? Having some fun? getting to know each other. Taking your time.

I read on here the therday about a woman who met a man last December, had moved in, got pregnant and was now in an abusive relationship before she knew it!

Christ OP you are 4 months in and you're having the kind of arguments, doubts, worries, unhappiness that I had at the end of a 15 year marriage! PIN locks, snooping on phones, rows, therapy..the blooody works!! Because you've gone in all guns blazing "spending every day together when we first met" etc and not engaging brain as well as heart and...well...

Calm down. Get a bit of a grip and remember that this relationship is 4 months old and should not be like this already - in fact never!

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