I have n/c for this and am putting it in here because it is about an abusive relationship, and a lot of what I have read on MN has helped me see my own situation in a new light. I have written and deleted this a few times now, and I have never managed to finally post it, so we'll see. It's long, but please read: I would really value any advice
From my mid teens onwards, I was in a relationship which I now know to be emotionally abusive at the very least. It lasted 8 years and I had an unplanned pregnancy which resulted in my lovely DS.
My ex was a horrible, manipulative person, some years older than me. He ground me down into nothing. I was only a young girl, and he destroyed me. I look back at my teenage self, and I want to cry. I want to take that girl, give her a hot water bottle and tuck her into bed and keep her safe. I was a bright, loving, naive, trusting, talented kid with a variety of interests and passions. He slowly but surely stripped away everything I loved, until I had nothing.
For instance: I loved a certain sport, and played it all the time. After a while, I gave it up, because he told me that it was a 'game for dykes', that only 'ugly girls with fat legs' wanted to play a game like that. When i was at practice, he would constantly phone me, then when I phoned back, he'd yell and scream at me for not answering. If I went out with friends, he would phone and text constantly,telling me I was a slut, that I shouldn't be going out when I had a boyfriend.
He told me my friends were sluts, that they were bad influences on me (though I later found out he constantly asked them to shag him all throughout our relationship) He told me the music I listened to and the books I read were shit, if I so much as lifted a book he threw a tantrum because I wasn't paying attention to him. His idea of spending time together was for him to play computer games, while I sat on a chair beside him, watching him play, and giving him handjobs when he demanded. This went on for hours, if I was tired and suggested doing something else he would go mad.
I was terrified of him being angry with me. I was a brave, confident girl, but not by the time he was finished.
I find it hard to say this, but I think he raped me. I think it would count as rape, at least. He would use sex as both a punishment and a bribe. He told me that if I wanted to do something, eg, go for a coffee with a friend instead of staying in and watching him play on the PC, I would have to 'earn' it by doing what he wanted sexually. He also forced me into anal sex frequently, on a few occasions in public places- it hurt. He also had sex with me at night- this is why I don't know if it was rape, he would just do it without asking, I would wake up with him on top of me. The sex was often very violent and very humiliating
Once we were at his friend's house for a party- we were the first to arrive and the friend left us to watch TV while he was in the kitchen. My ex made me give him oral sex in the middle of the room, and when the friend came in, he would not let me stop, but made me do it while the friend watched.He came on my face and thought it was hilarious. The friend then informed everybody of what a 'horny slut' I was. I then, of course, got a reputation I didn't deserve, as my ex liked to tell everybody in our small town about all the things I 'let him' do to me- i was the source of much laughter in the local pubs apparently, pubs where elderly members of my family had to sit and listen about how I loved sucking my ex's dick after he did me up the ass. To this day I have only ever slept with two men.
I think he wanted me to get pregnant, about 5 years into our relationship. He refused to wear a condom and he wouldn't let me take the pill incase it made me 'fat'- yet I couldn't get out of having sex with him. I was a stupid, stupid girl, but he had my head twisted- I came from a safe,loving, protective environment-I was no match for his level of abuse and manipulation.
So I got pregnant, and he did things to me which I have never told a soul, and which I don't think I will ever be able to- I can't even write it. I can't even go there.
When my DS was 3, I left. He was getting bored with me I think- he was trying to persuade me to have threesomes and he was less careful about hiding his cheating. I don't know where I found the strength to leave. My close family and what few friends I had left, had been worried sick about me for years- luckily I come from a close knit family, as he had tried to detach me from them, and if he had done that i would probably still be with him today. Anyway, they had always hated my ex. It was like one day, what they were saying sunk in. I grew up a bit, I was a parent myself- all of a sudden I saw that the relationship was not normal.
When I left him, I was strong. I moved away with my son and I went back to finish my education (which of course he had sabotaged). i was proud of myself: i had survived
Here is my problem now
I am now very happily married to a kind,caring and gentle man, who is the opposite of my ex in every way. I love him to death, and we are so happy together. I have friends, a social life, a nice home. My life is pretty much perfect. I am safe, happy, loved, content.
And yet...and yet...this past few months, I feel as though I am breaking down. I don't want to leave the house, i don't want to do anything, I just want to hide and cry and rage at the man who destroyed me.
I am grieving for the woman I could have been, but I am also incredibly bitter at my ex. I found out a while ago that he is married with children- he has not seen my DS for years. They have a villa in Spain, apparently, and are wealthy. It transpires that my ex told everybody I used to know (we lived in a small area) that I was a psycho, that I wouldn't let him see his son, that I am a liar and that I got pregnant deliberately, that i am a shit mother and SS should be involved.
He is still destroying me even now- he is still saying this things, and colouring who I am. The bitterness and anger is overwhelming me. I can't cope with it. I didn't feel this bad even after we broke up. I have fixed my life and I am happy- why is this all coming up now? I want it to go away. i want to forget about him, but it is rotting me from the inside.
I feel as if he destroyed my life. What did i do to deserve his treatment? Why is he not suffering? People still think I am some crazy, slutty bitch.
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Relationships
The past won't go away,and I think I need help
42 replies
sadowlbaby · 08/10/2013 15:57
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