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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Mismatched libidos, ttc and being made to feel like a nymphomaniac

73 replies

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 14:55

From day one it's been clear DH has a very low libido - he is of the opinion our sex life is great and that having sex twice a month (at the absolute most) is a fulfilling and busy sex life. Sex is also very dull and DH really struggles to ejaculate.

Me, I'm used to relationships where daily and adventurous sex was the norm, the pressure wasn't on to climax because the act of having sex was so fun. Now it just feels like a chore. I haven't told him this but have told him that it would be nice to try something new once in a while.

We are TTC and desperate to fall pregnant but DH can't see the correlation between his low sex drive and lack of ejaculation and our difficulties conceiving he actively feels like I'm the one with the problem and that my sex drive is abnormally high.

I've given up coming on to him because I'm now too hurt from continual rejection and crap excuses for not having sex, so it's all on his terms only now and I feel I have to comply or I simply don't get to have sex.

I don't know what to do. DH is perfect in every other way, he is kind, easy going, generous, funny, sexy. Just in the bedroom, it's, well, shit.

I have name changed btw but would like to hear some views as to what to do.

OP posts:

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Tiptops · 08/10/2013 15:02

Do you think you can live with having such mismatched libidos for the rest of your life?

Alarm bells are ringing in my head about that and whether this is the best circumstances to be bringing a child into.

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:06

Why wouldn't it be good circumstances to bring a child into?!

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JaceyBee · 08/10/2013 15:07

I would think very hard about the longevity of this relationship because it is not going to get any better from here in terms of sex. Some couples don't prioritise sex and see a relationship as more about companionship but it doesn't sound as though this is the case for you, which certainly doesn't make you a nymphomaniac, how ridiculous!

Wrt his delayed ejaculation, has this been the case with other partners or just now? Could it be that he doesn't want to have a baby as much as he claims?

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:09

He says it's always been a problem, and it certainly has been from day one in the relationship (as in way before we were TTC)

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Yougotbale · 08/10/2013 15:09

I don't think you are suited. I think you are more suited to someone with the sex drive of your previous relationships.
I don't know if you should TTC.

Maybe the pressure of TTC isn't helping him. Has your behaviour towards sex changed since TTC or are you the same?

JaceyBee · 08/10/2013 15:09

Because the relationship has a fairly major flaw in it which a pregnancy and childbirth isn't going to improve.

It's interest that you describe him as 'sexy' when it actually sounds as though he's anything but!

JaceyBee · 08/10/2013 15:10

Good looking and sexy are not the same thing!

Tiptops · 08/10/2013 15:11

Sorry if my saying that came as a bit of a shock but it was coming across strongly reading your post as an outsider.

Sex is obviously very important to you in a relationship, and negligible to him. I'm not surprised such opposite views have caused conflict and hurt feelings. Please read your third from last paragraph back. You shouldn't have to feel that way.

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:11

My behaviour to sex hasn't changed in any way other than I've stopped initiating it, as I said up there I'm so hurt from being continually rejected I just don't try anymore.

He is sexy, he makes me laugh, he is gorgeous, caring, hard working. Seriously he is very sexy to me, just not very into sex.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 15:11

From day one? So you married him thinking he'd suddenly change on this very important aspect?... Sorry, I think you're flogging a dead horse.

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:13

Nope. I didn't think it would change at all. I just saw past it because I fell in love with the rest of him and naively thought I could live with less sex.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2013 15:17

So now you've tried to live with less sex and found it just leaves you feeling rejected the options are closing down. Either more of the same, he suddenly finds a sex drive (unlikely from what you say) or you go your separate ways. It's sad but it happens. You could still be friends.

JaceyBee · 08/10/2013 15:19

Well if you can live with less sex then fair enough, I know i couldn't though!

It is a bit of a long shot hoping he'll change now. If there is a psychological issue around the delayed ejaculation would he consider psychosexual therapy? I know this is something they would work with.

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:24

I think I'm going to have to put the option of therapy to him but can't see him going for it. It's certainly less intrusive than other conception remedies! I will probably have to sell it to him as 'try this or we need to be having serious conversations' I can't see him going for it otherwise.

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Sparkleandshine · 08/10/2013 15:25

how old is your DH? how old are you?

I'm going to second some of the posters here - as he gets older this will get WORSE (so less sex) if you are struggling now, then what are you going to do when he's say 60 and sex is over forever?

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:26

We are in our 30s

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cjel · 08/10/2013 15:27

i hate to say this but is he gay?

Sparkleandshine · 08/10/2013 15:27

P.s from memory to be successful conceiving (if you are struggling) the advice is to DTD 10-15 times a month....now clearly this isn't always necessary, but its proven to be a help in some cases....

Sparkleandshine · 08/10/2013 15:29

mmmm.... I would think very carefully, it can be a big dealbreaker in a marriage if you are mismatched like this...

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:30

Ha ha I was waiting to see if someone asked about him being gay, and no, he's not.

Yes, 10-15 times a month, that would be brilliant lol wonder if there is something I can find online, print off and subtly leave on his pillow lol
seriously though, I know our chances of conceiving are slim with such infrequent sex!

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Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:32

I know it can be, and time isn't on our side biological clock speaking. I need to also decide if I can also live with the possibility of not having children as well as a shit sex life. But then if I left him would I meet someone and establish a strong relationship in enough time to have a child?

Loads of shit going round my head simply from a bad sex life!

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Seb101 · 08/10/2013 15:32

I don't think you should abandon the relationship because of this just yet. Would he go to the doctors? Maybe he has a hormonal problem they could help with... Maybe medication would help with his ejaculation problems too. I would have a really serious chat with him; because in all honestly your unlikely to conceive only having sex twice a month, and then possibly not ejaculating.... You may never conceive if something is not done. This doesn't sound like a simple case of low sex drive to me... Could he have sex more often? If you decide to seriously Ttc, could he have sex twice a week?? I mean is it just a matter of him not being in the mood or is it that he can't perform/ejaculate. If the latter, then surely he has a medical problem. If the first; then to be frank... He needs to get in the mood! If your Ttc he should surely make an effort. If its purely down to mood and not fancying sex then the solution may be to negotiate an amount of sex your both happy with. You want every day, he wants once a month. Would he agree to once a week??? I do believe that sex is like any other part of a relationship, you must consider your partners wants and needs and compromise. If your relationship is going to last, you need to be satisfied too.

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fuzzpig · 08/10/2013 15:35

Sounds really rough. And he is completely naive if he thinks it is unusual for a woman to desire sex more than fortnightly

I assume he doesn't use porn/masturbate privately?

Mollydoggerson · 08/10/2013 15:35

Honestly I think you should sort this out before having a baby with him.

If you are not sexually happy now, you might never be. Throw a child into the mix and you could have big problems in the future.

Do you want to commit to spending your life with someone who does not make you sexually happy? It is a big problem.

Changinitupabit · 08/10/2013 15:36

In all honesty whilst the thought of leaving is there I highly doubt I ever would, I love him too much.

At the very least I need to get him to see we simply need to be DTD more frequently.

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