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Any positive experiences on abusive men changing for the better (and for good)

(31 Posts)
creativevoid Mon 07-Oct-13 09:11:59

I have finally realised dh has been verbally and emotionally abusing me, controlling me and keeping me on eggshells. At a friend's recommendation I read "why does he do that" and the scales fell from my eyes. It's just all so clear now. We have 2 ds, 3and 5. If it weren't for them I would just walk out. It's also for them I'm changing things because I don't want them to grow up seeing this (anymore). He has accepted that his behaviour is abuse, saw gp Friday and referred to someone else for Wednesday. The book says these are good signs but also says few abusive men really change and when they do it can take years of hard work. I'm not sure I have the energy for it, only to leave anyway later. But I want to try my best for the children. Any hope out there?

NothingsLeft Mon 07-Oct-13 19:52:10

This is an interesting thread.

DH has been in counselling for his abusive behaviour for six months now. He's really trying and the abuse has stopped but I'm not sure I can get past it.

I feel angry about the past, the way he's treated me, what I've put up with, the things he's ruined.

Now I can see things for what they are, my feelings have changed. He's not who I thought he was and I not sure we can move on from it. Interesting to see others have managed it though....not sure I'm the forgiving type.

creativevoid Mon 07-Oct-13 21:13:16

Very interesting to hear people's experiences. Right now I am feeling like we will need to separate. Now that I realise what he's been doing for so long I'm not sure I can get over it (or want to try). I'm not making any rash moves. We'll see what the solicitor says tomorrow. It has been liberating to finally tell the truth to my friends and family. They weren't really surprised and they are on my side.

NettleTea Mon 07-Oct-13 21:19:07


mine abused me for the 8 years we were married and then on after with the contact that I had to have because of DD

He abused the next woman. she did a runner in the night on his birthday when she knew he would be gone until the next morning.

He put the next one in hospital several times

He carried on in a similar manner with several other casual relationships.

He wont change

LovelyGarden Mon 07-Oct-13 22:20:57


Doinmummy Tue 08-Oct-13 00:33:47

I split from my abusive ex 15 years ago . He's had years of counselling and he's still abusive. So IMO, no they don't change

foolonthehill Tue 08-Oct-13 10:38:25

We know most don't change...and even if your dp (or mine) did...could you (I) trust that they had? Could you (I) face policing the relationship for ever more? After all...they could have changed before, they could and I believe do see what they are doing...why should we have to hold them to ransom before they take responsibility?

However it was the fuel behind me getting out...the thought that he might change, become the man I had worked with and thought he was...he has just gone on to prove that he is the person who would and will abuse, manipulate distort and hurt those he claims to love...thanks "D"H, you've made it all so much clearer.

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