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Relationships

Give me strength...

9 replies

Bigbird01 · 06/10/2013 21:29

Just writing this is really difficult, but ...

I'm pretty sure I don't love my husband. He suffers from stress and has had bouts of depression which make him moody and unpredictable. We have beautiful 4 year old twins who he loves, but can't relate to making them cling to me and making me defensive of them when his mood is bad. This is making our relationship more and more turbulent.

I have no attraction to him - our sex life has been 'dull' for a long time and non-existent in the last year or so.

In January I told him how I felt. He begged me to stay and he would 'be better'. He is making more effort with the kids, but it feels like too little too late.

I know I need to find the courage to move things on, but how??? My family live 3 hours away and, although I have good friends, I feel like I have nowhere to turn...

Not really sure what I'm asking. Maybe just for those of you who have been in a similar situation to help me find that bit of strength required to try and make me happy again.

One point - there are no third persons involved in this. Just a relationship breakdown :-(

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LookingThroughTheFog · 07/10/2013 08:04

Bigbird, what is he doing to address the stress/depression aspect of this? This alone is a situation that requires a lot of work and big changes to happen. It's gruelling to get through. In my experience, if the person who's got the illness refuses to seek help or to act on advice, then nothing will ever change. It won't magically go away like a cold.

If, as I suspect is the case, he's not actually paying attention to that, then your reason for leaving isn't 'he's depressed' but 'he's refusing to do anything to help himself'. This might not amount to much in the end, but I think it's a subtle mind-shift that might help you in the long run.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 08:23

I support a lot of what has been written above. Potentially, this could be something you could find couples counselling useful for. Either to help you find ways to improve your relationship or, if you've decided that it's over, but to help you both navigate a 'good split'. Alternatively, and if he's not going to go for this willingly, sometimes legal advice can open up possibilities.

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aliciaflorrick · 07/10/2013 08:48

I can completely relate to you, I was very unhappy in my marriage for a long, long time, I experienced all the feelings that you're going through. About four years ago now, I just completely broke down, told him how I felt, how I couldn't stay married to him etc, I was so unhappy and at the end of my tether, I just broke down and sobbed. He told me that he couldn't live without me and the DCs and he would kill himself if he left. So I stayed, and got unhappier and unhappier. I had no interest in my appearance or anything. Then last year he had an affair and left me. What he had meant was he couldn't be by himself, he needed a woman to support him, once he had another one of those lined up then he was happy to leave me and the DCs.

My XH had problems with depression for pretty much all of our marriage, but looking back I think because I cared so much and tried to help, he used it as a way to control me, he knew I would respond to his depression because he knew I was afraid he'd commit suicide as he'd threatened on two or three occasions in our marriage when things hadn't gone the way he'd wanted.

I was and still am, in a different country to the UK, struggling to make ends meet doing odd jobs where language wasn't a problem and he didn't even have the nerve to do it face to face, he just changed his Facebook status. However, the day I found out was like a giant weight had been lifted from shoulders. My brother was in Australia and my parents were in Africa, but it doesn't matter how far away you are they support you, phone calls every day, little messages, just knowing they're there is enough. My friends were and are truly amazing, I feel more loved now I'm no longer with my ExH than I ever did when I was with him. What's more, once he's gone it's come out that none of them liked him anyhow.

Don't get me wrong, initially I was angry at the way he did it but that passed very quickly, what hasn't passed so quickly though is the anger at myself for not leaving that afternoon where I had hit rock bottom, where he told me he would kill himself, and then for three more years I struggled on with a man who I came to dislike because once you stop loving them you see the flaws that love once helped you overlook. I'm sure I wasn't pleasant to live with either and I certainly didn't want to have sex with him, by the end he revolted me.

I'm so cross with myself because I have a great life now. I can look at myself in the mirror and if I'd stood by my conviction I could have had all this four or more years ago, it just feels like wasted years for me.

If you're unhappy and can't see a way out, don't make the mistake I made and hang on for years trying to make it better, because at the end of the day you'll only lose your own self-respect.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 08:53

@alicia. Was your partner's depression ever clinically diagnosed? Was he getting treatment?

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aliciaflorrick · 07/10/2013 09:49

He was on anti depressants from the doctor, but whenever I asked him to talk to the doctor about getting therapy they always said it wasn't necessary and that he was fine on the ADs, and for the majority of time he was always fine he just became more "bleak" when things didn't go his way at work or at home. It was always triggered by getting hauled over the coals at work or on one occasion me not agreeing to him buying an iPad. While I do think he had problems, I think he learned how to use them to his own advantage with me. He knew my fears because I'd told him about them.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 09:54

I think that happens a lot.

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Bigbird01 · 07/10/2013 20:08

Alicia, your story sounds so familiar.

He has been diagnosed as depressed, but will take medication when he is aware that he is down and stop as soon as he feels better (whether he is actually better or not).

I do feel awfully guilty knowing that telling him I need to leave is likely to make him ill again.

I had actually set myself on leaving him after Christmas 3 years ago, but wanted to wait until all the festivities were over. His parents came to stay for New Year and, tragically, while they were here, his Mum had a massive stroke and died. Instead of moving my life forward I suddenly found myself caring for two 18 month olds, my grieving husband and his grieving dad (who ended up staying for 4 months)!

By the time that was all sorted I'd kind of got stuck in a rut and didn't feel I could move forward. I finally broke down in January, but then let myself be convinced that I needed to try and give things a chance. I know in comes down to courage, but having someone begging you not to walk away after 19 years is sooo hard!!

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Gruntfuttock · 07/10/2013 20:48

"He has been diagnosed as depressed, but will take medication when he is aware that he is down and stop as soon as he feels better (whether he is actually better or not)."

Sorry, but that is ludicrous and self-defeating. Is he incapable of grasping that he feels better because of the medication?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2013 21:10

There will never be a good time to leave. There's always another Christmas, or he's ill, or you're ill, or the kids are starting school, leaving school, sitting exams, etc.. etc.. etc.... Good luck whatever you decide to do.

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