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Can she really be that happy?

(208 Posts)
neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:08:17

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a woman in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. She has a husband and young family and appears to be really happy with her set up. She wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told her to behave herself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let her know that I'm not interested without offending her and why is she behaving like this if she seems so happy?

AWarmFuzzyFuture Sun 06-Oct-13 16:17:24

Speak plainly and don't enter into flirty chit chat.

'You're married so it would not be a good idea for us to go out for a drink together'.

It is not about not offending her, it is about being clear on where your boundary is concerning her flirting etc. Tell her to stop and that she is making you uncomfortable.

If it continues I would speak to HR.

TurnipCake Sun 06-Oct-13 16:20:06

"Sounds great, I've been meaning to introduce you to my wife"

Or what Fuzzy said

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:25:26

Her motivation isn't really your concern. However I'd assume you've known or heard about men who enjoy flirtations or even infidelity, despite being very happy with their set-up, so why would you think a woman would be any different?

Your concern is your own boundaries and communicating them to your colleague. You don't have to give any reasons for why you don't want to go out for a drink with her, you just say 'No thanks' when she asks. If she asks why not, you say that you'd prefer to stick to a collegiate relationship. Don't get into discussions about how you might be interested if neither of you were married; say less rather than more.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:28:10

I really don't want to go down the HR route to be honest. I think everyone would just see me as a mard arse if I did that. My workmates are encouraging me to "get a grip of her" and they'd do it, married or not. I'd like to go on the xmas works party but according to one of her mates, she's going to make her move then.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 16:32:16

Marmite was 77. Popular number.

eve1543 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:35:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:40:53

Are any of these workmates who are encouraging you to 'get a grip' of one of their fellow colleagues and who are admitting that they would too, in monogamous relationships that appear to suit them well? These people are also adult men I assume, although I use that term advisedly...?

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:43:23

Thanks Eve. That's really helpful. I might as well have stayed on the other forum I was on where they're asking for pics of her etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 16:46:25

I think you need to tell this woman that she's making a fool of herself and you're not interested. Either now or at the Christmas Party or both. Some people, of course, have flirting as their default setting and call everyone 'sweetheart' etc. But if you're sure this isn't just random, tell her straight.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:46:54

Charbon, out of the dozen or so blokes I work with, I'd say confidently that 8 of them have cheated. One has done it so often that his wife doesn't even care anymore.

eve1543 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:49:48


CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 16:52:45

BTW... you can't base your actions on not offending someone in this situation. Is she happy? ... who knows?... who cares?

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:14

You are a grown man in charge of your own penis, yes ? Then get a grip of yourself

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:49

So why are you surprised that a woman might want the same as your 8 workmates?

There is no need to denigrate this woman at all, either to her face, to your misogynistic workmates or what sounds like a vile, woman-hating internet forum. You merely say you don't want to go for a drink and if pressed, a non work-based relationship. This isn't difficult, unless of course you are tempted to follow the dubious advice you've been getting elsewhere, or you have problems with assertiveness.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:23

...or this is a delicious little fantasy for you hmm

wordyBird Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:50

I would begin by laughing it off, as you did. It saves face. If the person persisted I would refuse in plain terms.
If someone does not catch a hint they are hard to offend, so don't be afraid to give a refusal.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:01:16

Are you suggesting I'm some loner playing with a trainset or something Eve? Believe what you like though. I just want to keep the atmosphere at work friendly but let her know I don't want to do the dirty on my wife. I know my workmates will take the piss but I'm not bothered about that.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:01:36

I don't understand the problem?

You just tell her that you don't go for drinks with women other than your wife and mother.

Why does it matter what your workmates say?

Ruprekt Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:07

Stop being so horrible to the OP.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. hmmhmm

I would make it clear that you are not interested at all and she should stop flirting with you. If it carries on, threaten to report her to the manager.

Hth. smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:22

So what's your dilemma exactly? Hurting her feelings?

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:05:38

Do you have children?

If so, next time she's chatting, get out pictures of them and show her.

Also produce pictures of your wife.

Emphasise what a happily married man you are. At every opportunity, ask about her DH and kids. Don't engage in flirtatious banter with her, just family stuff and general.

You don't have to spell it out, if she's not a complete idiot she'll get it.

If she doesn't accept that, then you will have to go the HR route because actually, it's just sexual harassment if she makes your work environment uncomfortable.

Lweji Sun 06-Oct-13 17:06:51

You just need to let her know that you are meeting your wife, so you're not available.

Be prepared for her to ignore you after a while.

swallowedAfly Sun 06-Oct-13 17:08:58

basil beat me to it but yes, get out pics of your children, this is x this is y. now what were you saying? it seemed like you were flirting with me despite the fact you're married and have kids and know the same is true of me. please don't - i'm not the slightest bit interested.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:12:29

What a terrible time you're having at work. It's a shame. A heavy penalty to pay for being so desirable.

So what was your wife's advice?

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