It's all about him and what he wants....

[ilovemylittlestars]

Posted a few times, have another question perhaps you may be able to advise me on:) I have left h and am staying with relatives, have 3dcs. He is what was our family home, no intention of leaving(long story on another thread) atm he is seeing dcs either sat or Sunday each week-whichever suits him we left 3 months ago and he has not contributed a penny towards dcs. It's ok,we are managing and I am not out for all I can get but I find it very unfair that he sees them when it suits him, doesn't bother about them in the week, hasn't even asked about their schooling and hasn't contributed financially. Everything is about him and what he wants, it drives me potty. What I would really like to say when he provides me with the weekend day he would like to see them is no, sorry you can't until you contribute something but I won't cause I am not like that and I am afraid of standing up for myself against him. It it's all about him and what he wants. Bit of a rant I think, sorry, thanks for reading

[RandomMess]

Contact and money are seperate. Go the CSA and start getting maintenance from him that way if he is refusing to pay it.

[lemonstartree]

of course it is wrong that he does not support his children, but withholding access punishes them. Contact the CSA and claim support for the children officially

[ilovemylittlestars]

You are right,thank you and I will take the steps. I think I was ranting more that everything is when he wants it, doesn't want it and it feels like he is in control of everything, not a nice feeling for me:(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I strongly recommend you start putting your communications with him in writing if you don't already do so. (E-mail in practice) Maintenance money, access to the children, everything. Tell him you'll be contacting the CSA and then go ahead and do it. Tell him when he can visit, that you want the house to be put up for sale etc. Keep records of all e-mails and replies and take those along to your solicitor if you haven't got one already. This man is not going to cooperate so you'll have to fight tough

[Bogeyface]

See a solicitor asap to get access formalised, it is not acceptable that he fits his kids in around his life, it should be the other way around. Also you need to sort out the house, he is taking the piss about that too.

Then contact the CSA and get the maintenance sorted out.

He is behaving like this because you are letting him and he doesnt take you seriously. Once the letter start dropping onto the mat he will realise that you are not messing about.

[ilovemylittlestars]

It's all done via email, I won't talk to him. We had some mediation and because of his job he can't fix sat or Sunday each week(something that was an issue in the first place) so he tells me which day he would like them at the beginning of each week, I have not said no once. The mediator seemed to think this was ok - I don't but that doesn't seem to matter:( the house has an agreement in place - this thread if I have done it correctly
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1870879-Doomed-from-the-start
He has taken his time and stalled all the way and his solicitors seem to be allowing him to. I will be honest, I am slightly afraid of standing up for myself or causing any more upset:( thank you for reading

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Mediation only works with a reasonable person. Trying to accommodate an unreasonable person will only cause you upset because - as you're finding - they don't give a shit. Better to cause him the upset and force the pace than to continue to be steamrollered. You don't have to stand up for yourself, that's what you pay a solicitor for.

[ilovemylittlestars]

Am discovering all you said:( I am trying to be reasonable and fair but it appears to be falling flat and like you said,he doesn't care. Everything just seems to be taking ages but I am realising that's cause he is dragging his feet:(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's horrible having to admit that about someone you were once close to but, if they're messing you about, you can't afford to be fair and reasonable or appeal to their better nature. Best of luck

[ilovemylittlestars]

Thank you for your replies. I am just finding it very difficult atm:( he has the house, is in no hurry to sort anything out other than what suits him,mediation came to a halt cause he didn't like what was said. We are now waiting to see what he wants to do next:( like I said it's all about him

[RandomMess]

Why don't you arrange EOW contact and let him sort out his ownchildcare issues?

Please be wary of agreeing to something that in the long term will give you no break and no predictablility which one weekend day with 6 days notice is.

[Bogeyface]

Why are you afraid of standing up to him? Is he violent?

[Lucca22]

They are just not worth it......some people are put on this earth to cause trouble. You can't reason with them because they belong in a nut house........it will all end in tears and they won't be yours!

[ilovemylittlestars]

random the contact for him seeing the children is something I am expected to do as he works unpredictable hours and I am supposed to just do this as there is no other way for him to see dcs,he won't comit to a regular day off, this was a problem when we were together and one of the reasons I left. If he had them and they were 'dumped'elsewhere while he worked think that's unfair on them:(
bogeyface yes, he has been, another reason for leaving. I am just afraid of him, he is out to punish me for what I am doing and has threatened to destroy me:(
lucca I do hope so, but it's a long road made even longer by his stalling:(

[mineofuselessinformation]

Why don't you email him pointing out that the lack of notice is preventing you from planning any trips/plans/treats for the children (even if you have not been doing so at the moment doesn't mean you won't want to in the future)?
Hope that makes sense!
Put the ball back in his court and see what proposal he comes up with.
And get on to the csa.

[mineofuselessinformation]

And just to let you know you're not alone in fearing confrontation, I do too. (I'm getting better at it though!) Emails are a useful tool for trying to discuss things. Stick to being perfectly reasonable, and remember that you have a paper trail of everything that is said should you ever need to prove it.

[wannabestressfree]

Iam in a similar boat in that my ex works away for an American company. Not only does he refuse to play ball over maintenance (he says CSa can't touch him) he refuses to say when he is having them.... Three times a year. If I complain he tells my youngest ds I won't let him see them...... Gah

[ilovemylittlestars]

mine he doesn't care and the minute I start to be 'difficult' he will be whining I don't let him see the dcs:( can't win. However, as you say, in the future things may be different and if he can't set aside time he may well find they are 'busy' I hate confrontation cause it's just not the way I am, he knows this and is using it to his full advantage:(
wannabe they all think work is so important and therefore so are they, it's quite nice now not caring what he is doing:)

[Bogeyface]

he is out to punish me for what I am doing and has threatened to destroy me

How could he do that? What could he do?

He doesnt want the kids full time, he cant even commit to one day a week! So he may threaten it but he wont see it through. He knows full well that there is nothing he can do to you, and is banking on the fact that you dont figure this out.

There is a reason why maintenance and access are seperated, so that even if he tries to use access against you, he still has to contribute to them. Start with the CSA, ride that out and then move on to mediation regarding access.

Be strong. He knows he cant do anything to you, we know he cant do anything to you, the only person who needs to remember this is you!

[ilovemylittlestars]

Thank you:) it's all out of my hands atm, we are waiting for him again. Meantime he is in our home and behaving as if that's done and dusted, this is my fear being left homeless:(