Last night the Samaritans saved my life

[Whatnext074]

I have another thread going on here about my H leaving me recently and having a serious affair with a co-worker. I have had lots of support on here and really good advice.

Some background - I had 2 MCs last year and we both lost 2 of our nieces at 9 days old and 20 months old - all this happened in the space of 9 months. On top of that, I was under threat of losing my job and also being bullied by a manager for 7 months.

These traumas took their toll and we were supporting each other but 3 months ago my H suddenly changed, was angry with me all the time and aggressive in the house, punching walls, calling me disgusting names etc. He always denied an affair until I found evidence of it and then told him to leave 3 weeks ago.

Some of you know that I'm really struggling and am trying everything to pull myself out of the pain that I'm feeling. I hear that it gets easier but I feel that I am dealing with so much grief and can't see a way out.

For 11 years, my H was the most caring, loving, supportive man and we were best friends. I think that's why I'm having so much difficulty coming to terms with this sudden change of character. I hoped that this was just a fling and that he would beg for forgiveness but I found out yesterday that he is planning on introducing OW to his family and he really thinks he hasn't done anything wrong as he told me we were over and he's not having an affair. It started when he was comforting her over the loss of her Dad and she understood his grief that he's been through.

It hurts beyond belief that he has started a new life with her and she is helping him come to terms with our losses - that's so personal.

I am at rock bottom, on ADs, can't function at work or home and last night I really scared myself as I just need the pain to end.

I called the Samaritans and even though I was rambling and sobbing, he helped me calm down and they will call me again tonight. My problem is I am going deeper and deeper into a dark place and I am worried about myself. I know I don't have the right to end my pain myself but I can't see a way for this to stop. I've tried everything, I've tried to be proactive and positive but I'm just so tired of it all and even when I'm busy, there isn't a minute that I don't think of him.

I know I need to get my strength back but I'm so tired of it.

[AnyFucker]

Hello there. I have lurked on your other thread but not posted as you are getting sterling advice and support on there. I couldn't not answer you here though.

Firstly, well done on calling the Samaritans last night. You clearly do still have that kernel of self-preservation inside you. That was exactly the right thing to do, at the right time.

The next thing to do is to go back to your GP on Monday, requesting an emergency appt if necessary. Get signed off sick at work for a couple of weeks and get your AD's reviewed.

I see you are still attempting contact with your ex. That has to stop, cold turkey, right now. It isn't helping you, and when you get ignored it twists the knife further.

It's going to take you a long time to process this, but this isn't the end of your life. You can't see it now, but the actions of one man cannot be allowed to bring you so low and in time you will crawl out of this hole.

I am so very sorry about your bereavements. So much for one person to deal with on top of such callous disregard from this man. But he's just a man, and you can heal without him. You can.

[AnyFucker]

What support are you getting from RL friends and family ? A good idea for someone to come stay with you, or you go to them.

[Punkatheart]

Anyfucker is absolutely right. Every time I contact my ex is makes me shaky and depressed. Yes, my love - that change in character is so very hard to deal with. I have been down the Samaritans route too - so I understand and I feel for you.

My love, it will be OK. It will hurt but it will be OK. I am glad that you spoke to someone lovely - I have found them so comforting.

It will be OK.

Talk to people in real life. Please. But also keep talking here. Spill it all. Think of us as holding your hand.

[IslaValargeone]

I haven't seen your other thread, but I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.
I can't really add anything that hasn't been said by AnyFucker and Precious.
You must see your GP and find a a supportive hand.
You are really very brave, I don't think you realise quite how strong you are.

[Whatnext074]

I have support from my family but they are worried about me and don't live close by, they tell me he's not worth it and I will be okay. My friends are supportive and there are a couple who are really looking out for me. My friend was with me last night and left at 2am, she didn't want to go but I told her I was fine. I just feel that nobody in RL understands how to help me and I don't know either.

I know I'm not well enough to be at work at the moment but I couldn't stay with my parents as my Dad just tells me to cheer up and my Mum tells me that it's not fair that I am killing myself as my health has really suffered. So I don't know what to do, I need someone to make decisions for me at the moment as I can't think. If I had time off then I wouldn't really go out as there are too many memories here of our shattered plans and I get panic attacks more frequently which scares me.

I felt awful after I text him last night and didn't get a reply. He replied this morning saying his blood tests were clear and he has to wait 2 weeks for chest x-ray results. I'm not into playing games and just needed to know how he got on but I have to remember that he doesn't want to tell me anymore because his OW has taken that responsibility now and I have been discarded.

[IslaValargeone]

So is there nobody around who can help you get your shit together so to speak, during the week if you take time off?
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to 'know what to do' at this stage either. It's a bit unrealistic to expect you to be fully functional, but you will have to disengage and stop contact.
Start doing things bit by bit so that life doesn't seem so overwhelming.

[Whatnext074]

IslaValargeone - everybody I know works so if I took time off I would be on my own during the day. Some family members have offered for me to stay at their house/s but they'd be out all day and so I'd feel the same in a strange place.

I know I need to stop contact and H doesn't want to talk to me anyway until I'm stronger and can deal with moving the situation on from a financial perspective. He's cold, heartless, selfish and doesn't care how this has all affected me. We were a very private couple and always talked everything through so I didn't need to use my support network and now I'm having to tell people personal things so I can get help.

[something2say]

I think you may consider carrying on THROUGH the grief, not wondering why it won't stop. What that means is, getting up, having a small bit of food and a cup of tea, showering because you know that's what people do, going to work (I would suggest talking to work to see if they can reduce your hours or tasks....) and then coming home, pyjamas and TV. Let the days go by. Cry when you are moved to. But don't expect the fief to just go away. You live through it and slowly it passes onwards. Xxx

[IslaValargeone]

Ooh I don't know what to suggest that would help you from a practical point of view to start lifting you out of the gloom.
I think something to say has wise words regarding reducing works hours if possible, so that you have stuff to achieve during the day but still have some decompression time to reduce the stress.

[Hissy]

Can't add to the advice given already, but i'm here too. Willing you on and assuring you that you WILL get through this, you really will!

[ImperialBlether]

Have your mum and dad retired? I think if they have then you should go to them. It would be better if one of your friends could phone them and tell them how they should be with you - I know they mean well but what they are saying just isn't doing you any good.

You shouldn't be in work and you shouldn't be in your house. Please don't get in touch with your ex, it only makes you feel worse.

You've been through such a lot but this isn't the end of the road for you. You have a great life ahead of you but you will need some support getting through this terrible time.

[Whatnext074]

I'm on reduced hours at the moment and at least it gives me something to get up for but that is only for another few days. I just about make it home before curling up in ball after a panic attack. I had a panic attack at work this week and people just stared and didn't know what to do, it was horrible.

My Mum is retired, I know they mean well but they always say things that make me feel worse.

I will go back to my GP but I'm so worried I'll get sectioned or something.

[ImperialBlether]

You won't get sectioned. You can still take care of yourself and you have good friends and family who are helping you.

If you are having panic attacks at work, you really shouldn't be there. Would it help you to go away for a few days? I wonder whether a change of scene might help you.

Is your mum likely to listen if you explain what you need right now, or will she do whatever she does regardless?

[Whatnext074]

She tries to say the right things but she was with me recently when I had a panic attack and apparently I passed out. She called my DS to come home and then told me I worried her that I'm going to hit my head or something if I'm alone and it happens.

I'm not good on phone at moment so we text each other, she's not doing that so often now as my DS said she needs to stop having a go at me. I know she's there for me, all my family are but they're at a loss with what to do. They just say I will get through this and I need to forget about H.

[Punkatheart]

Please see your GP again. And please don't contact your ex - he is not helping your self-esteem at all. It has to be about YOU now and what is best to make you happy.

As one who knows too - make sure you eat, even if you have to buy ready meals if the urge to cook as gone. Drink tea. Watch lots of rubbish TV. All these things do help.

[Givemeanear]

I haven't seen your other thread, but my heart goes out to you. It was a good and positive step phoning the Samaritans, well done for that.

You recognised that you were in a dark place, you had the strength to deal with that, that's a massive positive and a great indication or your inner strength.

My guess us, that you have now hit rock bottom, he's introducing OW etc, it can't get worse, you now know it's completely over.

Hitting rock bottom is awful BUT the only way now is up.

Keep coming on here, keep strong.

And ((((((((hugs)))))))

xx

[Punkatheart]

I hope you slept well. Onwards, my love. Tell us how you feel today.

[0palfruit]

Hi Whatnext,
I have been in a similar place when my OH left and called samaritans. Just yesterday I called a friend and had a good cry. I was embarrassed of myself but I needed it and you know most people I've spoken to have had some experience of that dark place even if their situation has not been the same. I was amazed how many pepole opened up to me once I had told them my story.

You may not think this it but really you are doing well, this is only 3 weeks on and you are getting up and getting to work. You are reaching out. You will get there. I am so sorry you are going through this, its such an awful awful time. I read somewhere you need to give yourself at least 1 month for every year of a relationship to mourn. (In truth it's taken me a bit longer but that is because my children are young so he is very much still in my life, visiting the family home etc). It would be much easier for me to move on if I never saw him or knew of his life.

Be kind to yourself. Continue to ask for help. Big hugs xxx

[nicenewdusters]

Oh my lovely, so many people on this site have been where you are now. There's something in us that allows us to just function, at the most basic level, and to carry on breathing until we can, very slowly, start to feel things changing.

You've had an appalling catalogue of loss, and now the loss of your relationship with your h which has changed the shape of your world. But remember, it had a shape and form before you met him, and very gradually a new one will begin to emerge.

There is nothing anyone can say to make it better just now. It's just the practicalities, eating, sleeping, talking, crying. Someone said earlier about carrying on through the grief, not trying to make it stop. I think that's very true. You are reacting completely normally, you are not going mad.

You get to dictate the pace at which things go for you now. Your h has made his choices, he doesn't get to say when you should be moving on. I agree with others that you should stop contacting him. Only be with those people who have your best interests at heart.

I remember being in a very dark place, and I didn't have children then. If I'd shut my eyes and allowed myself to "go" I wouldn't now have my beautiful children. It's a dreadful memory, but luckily it's that, the past. You have a future, it's not one you would have chosen, but it's uniquely yours, and you can move forward into it.

[RJnomore1]

Folks this is three years old, someone's bumped it and been deleted.

[AntiqueSinger]

As has been said by a PP, you need to stop focusing on 'when will it stop hurting' and just accept that it hurts. Doing this will help you change the negative feed in your head from 'he's discarded me/ doesn't want me' to something more like: 'Right now I feel like absolute shit. The man I loved has moved onto someone else so my feelings are natural, normal, and expected. I'm grieving, so of course I'm a wreck. But people keep saying it will get better with time, so I'm going to trust them and not force it, but God it hurts!.'

Your sense of self is in complete flux and this is normal. Absolutely normal. When you're in a relationship you kind of 'tie yourself' into the other person, then when they leave, you feel a part of yourself has gone with them and is lying shattered and crumbled on the floor. There is a huge vacuum, and the only thing filling it is tears, sadness and desperation for a crumb of anything from the departed loved one to put back in that vacuum.

One thing I read once is that doing new things that you would previously never have done can 'shock' your senses, kick starting them away from your old life. Memory is a complex thing founded on so many different senses. When things remain the same, there's nothing to help your brain 'create' new emotional pathways, new thinking patterns (does this make any sense)?

So one small thing would be redecorating the house you stayed in together. Paint the walls a colour you normally wouldn't go for. Change furniture you had sex on; The sofa? Replace it. Likewise your bed, change the sheets and beddings, throw out the old. Reorganise stuff. Anything he's ever brought in the house wrap, tape, put in boxes and store away out of sight or put into storage, until the day comes when you can be apathetic enough to sort what you wish to keep. Do the same with couple photo's. Change as much as possible, even the air freshener you usually use.

Then start giving yourself some new experiences every week. Try to choose ones that engage each of your senses. Start small, new author to try? new incense stick - wonder what that will smell like? Never tried eating a quince, or cooking a plantain or gooseberry ice cream?. Try a different genre of music (world is good, so eclectic in itself). See an exhibition on anything you wouldn't normally, travel to different local parks. Take a different route to work, change your perfumes, regig your wardrobe.

With time you could extend it to trying new hobbies and volunteering in new fields and even traveling

You have to strengthen a new sense of self. One tiny, painful bit at a time.

You do this for as long as it takes, and don't allow anyone to speed you up! You know the Victorians had something with widows wearing black for as bloody long as they wanted. Same here.

It will get better I promise you but it takes time. Some people it's months others it years. You are not alone in this ,- although it may seem that other people just get on with it, the reality is otherwise, I swear to you.

[AntiqueSinger]

Arrghhhhhh! Just saw that RJnomore I just went by date of last pp

[nicenewdusters]

I'm just so glad it's not current, and that the OP has hopefully moved on.