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How do you know if it's you or the relationship?

(74 Posts)
pinkpiggy Fri 04-Oct-13 14:33:34

Things have been bad here for a while. DH and I have plodded along for far too long and I can't see the wood for the trees.

To summarise, I suffer from depression and slight anxiety. I have been on AD's in the past but I am off them at the moment as I weaned off when I had my third DC a year ago. I have felt ok, I have had moments when I have felt down but I have been ok. I just feel very overwhelmed. I went back to work three days a week two months ago and I do everything around the house (except for the garden). My DH works long hours and when he is home he is extremely messy and I find myself cleaning up after him. He says I have impossibly high standards. Maybe I have.

Anyway, I seem to be ok and feel happy during the week but I crash at weekends where I feel down and feel so angry towards my DH. It is a very lonely marriage, we have not had sex since we conceived our third DC and he sleeps on the sofa as he stays up late and gets up early. His reaction when I get stressed and angry is to get defensive, then retreat and ignore me or sulk.

It's bad, I know. I went to CBT in the spring and it was useful but he will not go marriage counselling as he sees it all as me being 'crazy' and depressed.

The question is, as I said in the title, how do you know if it's you? Or being in a bad relationship? Is there any way back? Any advice would be appreciated grin

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 09:43:50

Yes he had the house over 10 years when we married. And, stupidly, I am not on the deeds. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be stuck in a one bed flat, working full time never seeing my kids and counting each penny sad

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 09:44:46

Yes he had the house over 10 years when we married. And, stupidly, I am not on the deeds. I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to be stuck in a one bed flat, working full time never seeing my kids and counting each penny sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 09:46:51

How long have you been married? Even if you're not on the deeds, as time goes by , there is an increasing assumption of equality of ownership.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 09:47:01


pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 09:49:16

7 years

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 09:53:39

Then I think a solicitor will tell you that you have a pretty strong claim to a proportion of the value of the property plus any other assets acquired during the marriage. Sometimes, even if you're not quite at the stage of 'LTB', it's good to get professional advice so that you know where you stand. Work with facts rather than be hamstrung by fears and assumptions.

nkf Sat 05-Oct-13 09:55:44

I don't know that not being on the deeds matters. You are married. This is the matrimonial home right? Basically, you own 50% and so does he. Just like he has 50% of anything you own. It's one big pot after many years of marriage.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 09:56:58

Thank you. Will they need to see paperwork? I have never seen any bank statements and mortgage paperwork in the 12 years we've been together.

Another red flag. I know, I know

Unlikelyamazonian Sat 05-Oct-13 09:58:31

Go and see a solicitor first thing next week. Ring round a couple of local ones and see which do a free half hour.

Look at this link

It would be in best interests of the DC for you and them to stay in the house as you are the main carer. I repeat, if you are married it is not 'his' house even if he owned it beforehand and your name is not on the deeds.

Don't panic. Think carefully and remain strong.

This relationship is setting an awful example to your children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 10:00:24

It's not that she's not on the deeds nkf, it's that the property was pre-owned prior to the marriage. If an asset is wholly owned (no mortgage) by one spouse prior to marriage and the marriage breaks down inside a year or two then the claim is not 50/50.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 10:01:43

You don't need paperwork OP. The property is mortgaged then? That works in your favour as you've been contributing towards that mortgage either financially or in kind over the last 7 years.

nkf Sat 05-Oct-13 10:02:25

Oh, I see. That is different. If you've made contributions, don't you have some claim? Less than 50% but not nothing.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 10:07:53

I have never paid towards the mortgage. I have 3 children and have been on maternity leave or worked part time the whole marriage. My money covers the food, my car and petrol, kids clothes, presents etc. I have never paid ant bills or mortgage.

I am not feeling that strong today. He's gone out fishing for the day sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 10:13:23

Your contribution has been to have 3 children and look after them and the home, enabling him to earn money outside the home to pay the bills and mortgage. You're also married to him and that part in the service about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow' is a binding contract, not just words.

Do book a half-hour with a solicitor. I think it'll give you some confidence.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 10:16:09

I will. Thank you. Your support has helped [flowers[

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 10:16:48

I meant flowers Grrrr!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 10:16:50

Forgot.. You also gave up your own earnings potential when you had his children and quit working. All of this kind of stuff is relevant and, in the event of a divorce, would support your claim to 50% (or better) of the marital assets, including the marital home, plus ongoing maintenance for the children

Lavenderhoney Sat 05-Oct-13 11:09:59

Gone fishing? He is doing some thinking too, op. don't get caught out if you have had a talk already and divorce/ separation has come up so fast, as an option.

Use the day to have a good rummage through papers, take screen shots or photos with an iPad or phone, if you don't have a printer/ copier. Try to find bank statements, mortgage statements, deeds, anything really. Payslips?

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 14:45:15

What do you mean, 'don't get caught out'?

There literally are no papers here, all his banking is online and I have never seen any mortgage paperwork etc. He gave the impression his mum 'looked after' the important paperwork when we first met.

Feeling really down, got an awful headache, can't talk to anyone about this as he works with my Dad so I don't want to rock the boat unless I have to sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 15:01:17

I think what Lavender means with 'don't get caught out' is that some people try to hide their true financial status from partners in preparation for a split. Things like squirreling savings away, lying about their income (especially true when someone is self-employed),... even taking out joint debts that the other party doesn't know about. Not possible to say if he's doing that but it is shocking in this day and age that you've never had access to paperwork about family finances or the mortgage on your own home. If you do nothing else, recitfy that

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 15:03:22

He has hidden his financial status anyway. Tis shit, eh? sad

What a naïve loved up idiot I was

Wellwobbly Sat 05-Oct-13 15:08:22

What he thinks and what the family law courts say is, are two completely different things.

And guess who has got the bigger willy?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Oct-13 15:08:30

'Was' being the operative word smile A lot of us (myself included) have let other people take advantage of our naivety and mistaken it for love or passion or some other romantic nonsense. 'Don't you worry your little head about the mortgage dear... let me deal with all that' <puke> You're only an idiot if you wake up to the reality and do nothing about it.

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 16:06:03

Does anyone have any more practical advice / experiences? I am gaining strength from these posts

pinkpiggy Sat 05-Oct-13 17:19:53

He's just come in. I was civil and asked how his day was but obviously look stressed, puffy eyed and upset. He said again he's come back, so why can't I just be nice?! I was being nice but I am not going to act as if nothing has happened. He said again it's all me and if I act nice, he will show love to me. Refused to talk then walked out again. So confused. This is why I think it's me being crazy and difficult to live with.

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