Unsure of my judgement, is this odd behavior?

[WawaSkittletits]

I've never really dated before but for the past few months I have decided to give it a go. I've been in some bad relationsips in the past and I think I can finally recognise certain red flags for abusive and controlling behavior early on.

The situation Im in now is a bit strange though as I've met a man that is coming accross a bit too nice. I dont know if my past is affecting my judgment and this is generally how a nice man behaves but to me its a little odd.

I met him online after finding out we had alot in common but weve not met up yet. Heres the thing.

• He wants to be in constant contact, he will message me constantly and although I like to leave an hour or 2 inbetween (as otherwise it would literally be back and forth messages every few minutes) he will message me asking if Im ok if I've not go back to him.

-He says I mean alot to him even though weve not met and when I had to cancel our first date due to me being ill he was apparently beside himself with worry.

• He is incredibly insecure and if were on the phone and he hears my skype go off in the background he will need reasuring that hes not taking up my precious time. He constantly tell me he doesnt understand why I would be interested in him.

• He talks about future trips together and when I mentioned I needed a holiday after a particularly hard week with my daughter he offered to pay for me to go on holiday, just me and her.

This is too much isnt it? I've not led him on, I've told him I'm not looking to rush into anyting and I cant make much of a decision on whether to see him again till after weve met up. Im so used to looking out for the 'bad guys' that things like this confuse me.

[CocktailQueen]

Hmm, yes, it does sound too much, too needy, for someone you've not even met yet. The whole 'constant contact' thing would drive me mad.

But there's only so much you can learn about someone online. Why not arrange to meet him for a coffee and see how you get on face to face?

[akaWisey]

Red flags aplenty there.

I've just done this on another thread but please go to the1janitor on you tube and watch his video 'You're probably not really a nice guy'.

[fifi669]

Maybe he's like you and hasn't had much dating experience? Maybe he does just think he's hit the jackpot and can't believe his luck?

I agree meet him and see how it feels face to face

[Offred]

No, no, no, do not meet face to face. Write this one off. He is way too intense and needy. Red flags everywhere.

It is not possible for someone you have never met in real life to provoke this level of feeling unless you have emotional or drug problems.

I agree to watch the nice guy video and also read this; which someone else posted on another thread, can't remember who, sorry!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its far too full on and there are always reasons why he is acting like he is. The four points you cite re him to date are all bad news.

Do not meet him.

[akaWisey]

YY to that link offred.

[MooncupGoddess]

He's not 'too nice' at all, he's needy and controlling.

[Offred]

Particularly this paragraph makes me think of this guy; "The Nice Guy usually has some glaringly big issues in his life that he isn't dealing with-- things that make him unhappy, but rather than address them, he is convinced that if only he could be with someone, everything would magically get better. (Yeah, guess what, it doesn't. You still need to get a job/move into a better place/go back to school/get therapy/clean your toejam/tell your parents to piss off/whatever it is.) For a Nice Guy, all the responsibility for his happiness lies with his future partner. And he will put the burden on her, as well as guilting the hell out of her if she gets fed up with mommying him."

He is basically already guilting you into dating him.

[Lottapianos]

Agree - needy and controlling. Lots of red flags. Run away.

If it helps, every time I have seen the question 'does this (relationship) sound odd to you?' on MN, the answer is always a resounding YES! Trust your judgement here OP, easier said than done I know

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Don't even bother meeting him. It will only get worse.

Also, he probably won't take it well. I suggest a lie that will brook no argument while sparing his feelings as much as possible: tell him you met someone else.

[JohFlow]

Sounds like his needs are imposing on you already. Time to bolt my friend x

[JaxTellerIsAllMine]

no, your judgement is spot on. Red flags all over the place. Not too nice either, he is overly needy and controlling. Dont meet him, get rid.

[Pancakeflipper]

Say bye to him. Too intense and there's going to be no fun only emotional games with this one. Too tiring. Move on and hope you find a happy uncomplicated man to date.

[AutumnLeafMyArse]

Imagine this behaviour after another 6 months. You'd be exhausted. Run, run like the wind.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Come on - this is not too nice. This is totally over the top, horrid.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

This man is faaaaaar too insecure for any relationship with him to be healthy.

We are all a little bit insecure and needy sometimes, but this is really OTT and will just create a lot of stress and imbalance in the relationship.

You can't cure him. I think you have to write this one off.

Be very clear when you break it to him, by the way. You'll probably get some kind of over-reaction, and you need to just keep referring to the simple truth of "I don't want to take this any further".

You don't owe him an explanation, you don't owe him "friendship". Make a quick and clean break, and see what else your dating pool has to offer.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Johflow has it spot on
As do others - Run away from this one!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He sounds suffocating. Leave well alone

[pictish]

Agree with euphamism entirely.
This guy is barely masquerading as a 'nice guy'. He's patently a disaster zone.

[QueenQueenie]

Op I can't agree with what you say in your original post... You DON'T have a good ability to recognise red flags. Does all this needy / controlling behaviour FEEL nice?? It wouldn't to me, it would make me (a) want to scream and (b) run for the hills. Please don't get any more drawn into this by him. You are perfectly entitled to tell him quite simply and plainly that you don't want further contact (if that's what you decide) and you don't need to justify / explain / discuss your decision.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

What queenie said.
Run like the fucking wind.

[Sindarella]

He'll turn out a possessive insecure control freak. Where are you going? Why havent you answered? Who were you talking too? Etc etc

[WawaSkittletits]

The 'Nice guy' video and blog post really rings true about this man. He refurs to himself as being a nice guy an awful lot and says he makes a brilliant boyfriend.

He says I deserve pampering and spoiling but that sort of annoys me, I don't want to be thought of as the poor lonely single mother that needs rescuing.

Hes started referring to me as 'MY [insert compliment here] Wawaskittle' like were together. When I ask him to cool it a little he says I'm being harsh.

OK im going to stop this, I've tried 'Im not ready for a relationship' and I get 'We can still be friends, I want to be there for you' response back.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Repeat that this is not working for you and leave it at that.

If he persists I would speak to the police about him.

With regards to yourself I would seriously consider enrolling on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme.

[Flatiron]

I think you're wise to pull the plug. If he can be this smothering when you haven't yet met, and he doesn't even know you, what's he going to be like if you're 'together' in any sense, even as a friend? (No need to answer, I think you already know!)