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Have evidence of possible infidelity but no proof! help!

(51 Posts)
MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:05:30

26th aug I came downstairs in evening and saw my partner of seven years looking at a profile of a woman on his phone, there was some writing and then he flipped to a picture of her naked. I knocked on the window and disturbed him at this point. He wouldnt let me look at his phone, said it was just porn, he loves me, nothing to be worried about.

This got me suspicious, so checked his phone bill in the morning, 100's of calls to one number, some late at night. I text him asking who's number it was. He said a friend of his sons mum and dad. The texts were most days, always her and not me. Anyway eventually admits, he and this woman are friends. He said id never have accepted it so thats why he hid it. Felt so betrayed that it had been her and not me all the time. Anyway I decided to forgive this and try and move on, he swore they were just friends.

Fast forward 3 weeks, we've been making a go of it and quite happy at times, I open his bank statement and he'd joined an internet sex dating site on the 16th aug. That was obviously what I caught him looking at the night I became suspicious. I confronted him, he says he joined coz he was stupid, that he's never cheated. He said he felt guilty and cancelled his membership, but not until i caught him.

So here I am, i am devastated, he says he wants to prove he loves me, hes closed his sole bank accounts and wants us to get married. He is putting in more effort but part of me cant understand why now? I am shocked I know our relationship has been rocky, but i never saw this coming and I dont know if i can ever feel happy again. He is trying to act as if nothings happened and doesnt want me continually bringing it up. I suppose its worse because I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me when I found he'd been texting this woman and he said no, then i find the internet dating ;( Is there more i don't know. Its torture......

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 13:07:37

What happened to you OP in the past that has got you to this point?

When you were a little girl, did you ever think you'd want a relationship with someone who got you into debt, who messed aroud with other women (plural), who lied to you all the time, who used porn, who refused to give you space when you asked him to leave?

You don't need proof. It's overwhelming and what you do know is so bad that just one of these acts would be a dealbreaker for a woman who valued herself and had self-worth.

It's so sad to see a woman doing this.

Gingerandcocoa Fri 04-Oct-13 11:36:16

Do not marry this man, please!!!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 04-Oct-13 11:35:43

You're only a mug if you agree to pay off half of HIS debts.
Just because you share a house and mortgage doesn't matter.
You are NOT married so that's a good thing.
Get estate agents round to value the property.
Tell him it's over! You are selling the house and splitting the profits, if there are any.
You need out of this.
You know that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.
Get onto a solicitor asap and get the ball rolling.
Paying half his gambling and porn debts!!!?? I don't feckin' well think so!

WhiteandGreen Fri 04-Oct-13 11:32:32

OP, surely nobody would pay for one of those sites if it was just to look at the pictures. There are lots of porny pics on the internet for free. If you believe that then you are be believing it because you want to, rather than it being credible. At the minimum he was fantasising about meeting up with someone for sex.

Flicktheswitch Fri 04-Oct-13 11:24:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 11:16:57

Mrs P the last thing we want to do is make you feel worse. Sadly we have trodden this path before you. It's not easy. I also think you're bloody brilliant going into work with all this going on!!

One thing we are all trying to stress is that he will have minimised and only told you what he thinks he can get away with. I.e. you discover the global personal entry on the statement so he knows he's been had, so says he just looked. We know that isn't true. However, you may of believed that if u didn't know any better.

It is a very long road to stay and work through things. It all has to be absolutely talked through. Painful as that is. Irl I sometimes have to make decisions based on the information I have at the time. In these cases you have to have the information first to make your decision. I can think of at least three nights when we have been up literally All Night talkin talking talking. Bloody painful at times and I heard things I didn't want to hear, but it was the truth.

IMO you need the truth so u can move on.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 04-Oct-13 11:09:12

Sorry we couldn't say what you wanted to hear MrsP. sad I hope you can understand what we can see?

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 11:04:34

Have as good a day as you can MrsP. I think you're bloody amazing for even contemplating going in to work whilst dealing with this - he's a fool.

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 11:00:15

No probs Buzzard smile

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:59:54

i just dont know. Some days i'm adamant I cant do it, other days are I want to be with him. The relationship hasnt been great, Ive been studying for last 3 years so that has been my priority, became neglectful of each other, unappreciative and he obviously metaphorically walked away. Now he says he realises he was wrong. Ive got to go to work now, Im not sure if posting has helped as I feel even worse hearing the words of others, but thank you x

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 04-Oct-13 10:57:08

Sorry wisey X almost identical post.

Jan45 Fri 04-Oct-13 10:56:41

Maybe he didn't cheat but he's had inappropriate contact with OW. His intention is to go behind your back and possibly cheat, maybe he was just looking but if so, is that not bad enough?

Only you know if you can forgive and forget but I would think it's up to him to prove to you that he does actually want to stay in a relationship with you cos his actions say different.

The marriage talk is just a desperate act to try and pacify you, of course you're not even going to contemplate that and perhaps never will now.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 04-Oct-13 10:55:36

Katy is spot on.


He LIES to you (enough to make most people leave on its own)
He GAMBLES ( ditto)
He accesses PORN (ditto)
He has paid for a no strings attached DATING site (ditto)
He CONTROLS what you can say to him (DITTO)
He emotionally ABUSES you (ditto)

What exactly does he need to do to make not spend the rest of your lives in misery?

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:55:32

This is the point where so many of us who've been through the same old tired script have to do this:

Realise that you have to stop thinking (even temporarily) about WE and start thinking about I.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 10:52:41

X post with wisey!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Oct-13 10:52:01

They all say that. Probably swore on his mother's /father's life as well. That does not mean to say he is not lying.

The truth will set you free, not that you'll ever get anything close to that from him because he will continue to try and mess with your head giving you spaghetti head. You can only go by what you have seen from him and none of what you write re him is at all good.

He is a gambling, lying cheat of the first order.

What is there to supposedly love about such a man exactly?. What do you get out of this relationship?. I note you did not answer that at all so I can only assume you personally get nothing from it regarding him.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 10:51:23

Again, its his definition of cheating. What was he talking to OW about back in July. Was he ever 'missing' for an afternoon back then...?
What's your definition of cheating...?

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:51:08

You decide what your bottom line is.

If it's multiple phone calls to OW he crossed it.

If it's joining a dating/NSA site he crossed it.

If it's accessing porn he crossed it.

If it's lying he crossed it.

if it's taking out secret loans he crossed it.

If it's secret gambling he crossed it.

if it's minimising and expecting you to get over a crisis in your relationship he crossed it.

You decide MrsP

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 04-Oct-13 10:50:23

Your heart will break, either way. You can drag it out over years, or get it over with now. But it will never, ever be good. Ever.

You have the joint mortgage, and that sucks. But, you can deal with that. Again, you can take your medicine now or drag this shit out over a lifetime.

Better to spend a few months to a year dealing with heartbreak and financial fall-out than the rest of your life.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:49:24

"the truth is possibly too awful"

The truth you KNOW ABOUT is too awful.

Whether he actually shagged that woman is hardly relevant when he is a man who you KNOW treats you like complete shit and steals from you so he can gamble and sign up to sex sites.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 10:49:06

MrsP you can't just forget and move on because at the moment you're not absolutely sure exactly what it is that you're supposed to be forgetting.

Do u have a 'no more point', a deal breaker. What would make u hold your hand up and say no, no more. There must be something.

For some an EA would be enough, others a ONS, others a visit to a lap dancing club would spell the end. What's yours.

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:47:35

but he swears he never cheated. how pathetic do i sound.... i want to believe him because the truth is possibly too awful

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Fri 04-Oct-13 10:47:03

Do NOT tie yourself to this loser by either marraige or financially. You are setting yourself up for a life of utter misery.
You might "love him", but there is nothing to "love" really is there?
Lying, cheating, gambling, more lying. If you have a DD is this what you woud wish for her?
You have evidence, it is what you are going to do about it that matters. Men accessing porn is bad enough without lying saying he has to pay to join a dating site to get it ffs.

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:46:14

The truth is what you decide it is.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:44:58

You need to get some legal advice ASAP about financially separating yourself from this man.

He has been stealing from you and your children.

Good father my fat arse hmm

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