Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have evidence of possible infidelity but no proof! help!

(51 Posts)
MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:05:30

26th aug I came downstairs in evening and saw my partner of seven years looking at a profile of a woman on his phone, there was some writing and then he flipped to a picture of her naked. I knocked on the window and disturbed him at this point. He wouldnt let me look at his phone, said it was just porn, he loves me, nothing to be worried about.

This got me suspicious, so checked his phone bill in the morning, 100's of calls to one number, some late at night. I text him asking who's number it was. He said a friend of his sons mum and dad. The texts were most days, always her and not me. Anyway eventually admits, he and this woman are friends. He said id never have accepted it so thats why he hid it. Felt so betrayed that it had been her and not me all the time. Anyway I decided to forgive this and try and move on, he swore they were just friends.

Fast forward 3 weeks, we've been making a go of it and quite happy at times, I open his bank statement and he'd joined an internet sex dating site on the 16th aug. That was obviously what I caught him looking at the night I became suspicious. I confronted him, he says he joined coz he was stupid, that he's never cheated. He said he felt guilty and cancelled his membership, but not until i caught him.

So here I am, i am devastated, he says he wants to prove he loves me, hes closed his sole bank accounts and wants us to get married. He is putting in more effort but part of me cant understand why now? I am shocked I know our relationship has been rocky, but i never saw this coming and I dont know if i can ever feel happy again. He is trying to act as if nothings happened and doesnt want me continually bringing it up. I suppose its worse because I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me when I found he'd been texting this woman and he said no, then i find the internet dating ;( Is there more i don't know. Its torture......

QuintessentialShadows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:09:09

Oh please dont marry a man who suddenly wants marriage to prove he is not a cheating scumbag paying for live porn! hmm

I think you know everything you need to know about this man. The question is, do you want to be in a relationship that has zero respect for you and is looking elsewhere for his sexual and emotional kicks?

What has closing his bank account got to do with anything?

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:11:28

I asked to see bank accounts for evidence of affair, he showed me three months worth, showed gambling and secret loans sad He closed it so he cant do anymore of that either. But no evidence of more internet dating fees. We have two kids and nearly 7 years of history so so hard to know what to do.

itried Fri 04-Oct-13 10:15:11

MrsP, there are so many red flags here... He is showing such disrespect for you. He may have closed a bank account - and opened another one. You are clearly very unhappy at what he has done. Can you take the risk of him doing it again?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 04-Oct-13 10:18:29

OMG - get away from this man.
I can almost guarantee he did have sex with the woman he was having an EA with. He HAS cheated on you.
He lies his feckin' arse off!
Signs up to porn sites that he has to pay for.
He gambles.
Takes out 'secret' loans.
Do you really need anything else???
There are more red flags here than I've seen in a long time on MN.
Get out get out get out!!!

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:22:10

You have all the proof you need IMO.

3HotCrossBuns Fri 04-Oct-13 10:24:03

I agree - don't marry him. You'll only be more 'trapped' emotionally and practically than you are now. He has shown you who he is - look! I wish more than anything I knew the real man I married - I probably wouldn't have - but at least I wouldn't be feeling tricked and used now.

It hurts like nothing else but hold your head up and be true to yourself.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:24:08

How is he repaying his loans and his debts if he has no bank account?

Have you taken on the debts?

Will the bailiff turn up?

QuintessentialShadows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:24:59

If you marry him, you will be financially linked. You must avoid that at all costs.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 10:25:28

Sorry to read this Mrs P. sadly, if you've been around this board much you will see a script mentioned that most cheating OHs seem to follow. The problem is that you won't know it exists until its too late, as why would you.

Anyway, it goes something like this, deny, delete, minimise.
Deny there's anything going on
Delete phone and email evidence. Profiles on sites
Minimise, I only messaged, text, rang, only met one, only kissed blah blah blah. They will only admit to what they think they can get away with.

If you can, and this is very hard as you will be full of adrenaline which makes my hands shake and I can't think straight you need to try and separate the emotion from the facts.

So, he joined site on 16 aug
You saw him on 26 on a profile

What dates were the phone calls to and from?
What was dating site
Have you checked emails. Hotmail. Yahoo.
Have you looked back through statements to see if there are any more payments. Is it Global Personals?

IRL I'm an analyst. I needed the facts. Or I would've taken the few facts that I knew and made some HUGE story up around them.

In actual fact in my case the truth was so bizarre I couldn't have flipping made it up, but that's a whole different story and now, today, I'm here to help you and hold your hand thanks

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:30:29

thank you, I know what all the evidence adds up to, and how can i believe a word he says. But i feel i love him, and i'm not sure right now if it hurts more to be with him than to be on my own. My stomach is churning, I'm so upset its hard to function. And he doesn't understand why i cant move on and keep dragging it up. He says he paid for the internet dating so he could look at pictures, it was global personals. Theres enough free pron on the internet so it doesnt make sense! The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:33:21

It doesn't make sense because he's lying MrsP.

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:33:57

The phone calls to other woman started 17th july,were very frequent and went quiet after he joined the dating site on 16th aug.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:34:44

So you know for sure that

1. He has had an emotional affair
2. He was looking for sex online
3. He gambles
4. He takes out secret loans
5. He doesn't give a shit about how upset you are about any of this

Why do you think you deserve so little?

He treats you like shit and he's never going stop.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 10:35:44

"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"


Just fucking no way.

Why are you even considering helping this louse to pay off his secret gambling debts?

FunnyRunner Fri 04-Oct-13 10:36:31

He is a liar. Please don't tie your life to this man's.

FunnyRunner Fri 04-Oct-13 10:37:56

"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"

Erm, no. He pays those back himself. OP just run away, please. Don't be that poster who's back in a year saying they married a complete tool who has cheated on them and squandered all their joint assets. You're better than this.

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:39:14

because we have a mortgage and share our income, so we will have to repay them or baliffs will come to the home of my children. I asked him to leave before but he refused, its a jointly owned home, and he will never go anyway. I want to forget and move on but its sooo hard

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Oct-13 10:39:23

There are enough red flags here to carpet Red Square with.

Honestly you'd be better off on your own than be with someone like this person. The man you are also with is an extremely poor role model to your children as well.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this frankly awful role model of one?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You may well "love" him or think you do but he is certainly not showing you the same considerations is he?. He thinks very little of you doesn't he. Such a type is happy to just have a mug looking after him along with having a roof over his head.

"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"
So apart from a cheat he is a gambler to boot. How much money does he owe?. You likely do not know the full extent. Apart from anything else, why would you want to pay back his debt as well?.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 04-Oct-13 10:39:41

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news... Sadly you can look without paying. You can make a profile just to look. You have to pay to message people. Or at least men do. Women can reply to messages for free.
The site he was on is more than likely marital or plentymorenaughtyfish.
When you get a message on the site it sends a notification to your email addy. Usually people make contact on the site then move to email (or IM) for further 'chatting'.
Have you checked emails inc sent and deleted.

I think you need to know what you're dealing with before you can make a decision as to what you're going to do moving forward.
I would hate for you to make a decision to stay based on the fact that he looked at a few naked women's profiles when really he has been an active member of a NSA dating site.

What has he been using the loan money for. Do I have evidence of gambling or is this what he has said....?

tallwivglasses Fri 04-Oct-13 10:40:02

Don't tell me - he's a great father.

MrsParker Fri 04-Oct-13 10:42:56

lol he is a great father, im such a mug i cant even believe it

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Oct-13 10:43:39

"because we have a mortgage and share our income, so we will have to repay them or baliffs will come to the home of my children. I asked him to leave before but he refused, its a jointly owned home, and he will never go anyway. I want to forget and move on but its sooo hard"

Shared income?!. You are living with a gambler!!.

Only court appointed baliffs can take items away and only after a court order.

Such parasitic men never readily leave (he has it made so why change that he thinks), it will take you using legal means to get him out of this home. I would contact Womens Aid today and seek their advice as well. Some Solicitors can give you a free 30minute consult; seeking legal advice is something else I would do asap.

You can get rid of him, it will need a leap of faith as well on your part to do so. Is this really the life you want for your children?.

SuperMuddle Fri 04-Oct-13 10:44:03

I'm sorry this is happening to you. The line that got me was 'he doesn't want me continually bringing it up'. In other words, he wants you to shut up about it for his own convenience, and doesn't want you asking awkward questions. He has no respect for you, or concern about how his actions have affected you.

Is that really the kind of relationship you want your children growing up thinking is normal?

akaWisey Fri 04-Oct-13 10:44:13

No, he's the mug. He's just trying very hard to fog your brain.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now