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Wedding planning stress/hell

(102 Posts)
ammature Fri 04-Oct-13 00:03:56

Long term lurker, delurking and hoping for some help, support or advice. I am newly engaged to my DP since Aug and planning on getting married Aug 14 in Ireland where I am from. We have worked out a plan to pay for the wedding with us both saving 250 per month, my dad giving us 3k and his parents the same. That's 12k with a loan of 5K if we need. I may get more money together as some more hours at work have come my way. Hence budget is 17 k. I know this is quite a bit, but we have a home, and we both want a great day. The guest list is 120 people ( it started at 170).

Every time we talk about the wedding we argue. Tonight he said the cost scares the shit out of him, and says everyone thinks 120 is very big. It's small by Irish standards for me and my family/peers. Yet all our friends here in the UK do a big intake of breath when we mention it. Some people seem to think weddings per head are cheap, like 30 quid?, ours is 70/ head for 5 course meal, half bottle of wine, prosecco,canapés, evening food and exclusive use of a manor house and grounds. I genuinely can't find cheaper that isn't a hotel he has said is horrid. And the costs have been bargained down to this rate. It's really competitive.

The arguments stem from me doing the lions share of the work on this and feeling it's turning into my wedding, not ours. He voices concerns but it never feels constructive. I worry he will turn up on the day and be like what's this? I want him to be involved but he says he hates talking about it because it makes him anxious we will argue. We always do. He shuts down and goes quite and I shout.

He is a wonderful man, and he does most of the housework and is super domesticated and progressive. Loving and affectionate. So please don't have an Image of some oaf. The thing is with our home we decided every detail together constantly and I thought wedding planning would be the same. Feels like it's turned into something really negative now. Feeling like it's my problem and I need to get over it. Any advice great fully received.

Bajas Sat 05-Oct-13 17:06:06

OP I had a wedding similar to yours in Ireland last year and I don't think your budget is excessive for an Irish wedding at all.

My dh is a bit like your dp in terms of panicking about big spends like wedding, deposit for house etc. When we argued about things of that nature, I ended up in floods of tears and he ended up walking off. The walking off made me furious and the tears made him feel like a bastard.

Our solution? We went out on a walk or to a coffee shop or anywhere public to discuss it so I couldn't get hysterical and he couldn't storm off. We found this worked really well in terms of being organised and getting things marked off the list (always had a hard backed notebook with us to help us keep focused and organised)

It worked so well we have continued to do it with anything 'big' since- discussing having children, the fact we haven't been able to get pregnant in over a year, work on the rental property we own. It has made us able to discuss things logically and by trying to take some of the overwhelming emotions out of the equation for a while to decide a plan of what happens next.

Maybe worth trying?

ammature Sat 05-Oct-13 17:41:25

Thank you this is exactly what we need to do and what we will do.

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