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Paranoid & insecure or justified?

(107 Posts)
FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:23

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 18:01:21

So if your ex didn't want a third child, did he exercise his choice to use contraception to make sure he didn't become a father again?

Or are you saying that he made a choice to change his mind and have another child?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 18:14:26

Good point, Leaven. No contraception was used. He changed his mind. Very grudgingly.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 19:05:36

Your thought processes seem very influenced by the men you have been/are in relationships with.

In this one, the "compromise" has gone too far the other way, you are actually having the piss taken out of you.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 19:44:53

I thought so.

Cue him no doubt bleating to the OW "Waah! She forced me into having a third child and wouldn't take no for an answer!"

See the patterns here all the time?

Unless a relationship is severely abusive, the people in them make free choices. No-one causes a behaviour choice in another person, when there are always other options available.

It strikes me that because you took far too much responsibility for your previous relationship failures and your exes' choices in them, you've applied the same principle to your current partner's behaviour and his choices, past and present. He had other choices about the way he behaved in previous relationships. He has other choices now. You are not responsible for them and neither were his previous partners.

Diagonally Fri 04-Oct-13 22:07:31

If you are going to get some equity from your house, can you speak to your bank about whether they can offer a short term loan / overdraft from when you would need to pay first month rent and deposit through to completion?

You don't have to tell a private LL you are in receipt of HB. Don't tell the agents at this stage.

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 23:00:02

Yes, speak to your bank. You won't be claiming HB until after you've moved in somewhere anyway. The dog may be a difficulty but not to the point where you're forced to move in with a self-regarding player like this man.

Do you really want to put your DC through this move into the unknown with a man who treats their mum like shit? Or would you rather give them a bit of security and stability where their schools and friends are?

You seem very single-minded about this man. He knows it, and he knows exactly how to play you.

I think you need to give yourself a shake and focus on your real priority - your children's happiness. Not yours, and certainly not his.

maddy68 Thu 17-Oct-13 06:51:00

Is it possible that he is working in the evening, he's got a new job, feeling majorly pressured and stressed that he is moving house and could fail at his new job. And yes he is handling the communication badly but could you just be being over sensitive as your feeling low after surgery and lonely now he is away?
My oh when he us busy sends texts like .oh dear. If some disaster has befallen me
You said you are using I message. And it's showing delivered not read. That means he hasn't seen them. Could he have poor signal where he is?

I think you need to have a good talk at the weekend.....

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