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Paranoid & insecure or justified?

(107 Posts)
FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:23

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

spandangled Thu 03-Oct-13 22:12:29

I don't agree with him not wanting to know how you are after surgery, that's shit, but:

My other half was and to some extent still is like this, he too works over 100 miles away.

Over the years we have both worked out that a)he is shit at keeping in touch and b) I overthink and so we both agreed to meet each other half way on the communication front.

The difference I think is that we have always been honest, bluntly so, and I trust him to the end of the earth.

What he had to realise was that relationships function on communication and that on a basic level, I would like to know at the least that he's alive. But I also had to realise that I had too much time on my hands to think, which meant I was worked up half the time, or bored or resentful that he wasn't here.

So I decided to fill that time and it was the best thing I did for us. It meant I wasn't allowing my irrational self to go around and around in circles wondering what he was up to, it means we have more to talk about when we are together and weirdly, he got a taste of his own medicine (unintentionally, but I was busy having a good time) and he realised he was being a twunt.

We don't have children and we aren't about to buy a house. But sometimes what goes on in your head is worse than is actually happening.

I'd really recommend waiting it out, give a bit of space, more importantly take some for yourself. Give your mind a rest, sleep on it and when you feel calm...broach the subject. Last thing anyone wants is an emotionally draining phone conversation at 11pm after a long day.

The one thing that made me feel I could do it, was that I have always trusted him. If you're having doubts because of distance/over tiredness/over active imagination that's one thing, but if you genuinely think he may be up to no good then you need to face why you think that. It won't go away no matter how near or far

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:14:49

Madeleine- yes, you've got him down to a T there, very emotionally immature.
Before I agreed to move up there I begged him to understand that he needed to communicate with me if he ever felt things were going wrong, that he must never ever treat me like he treated his exW & that I couldn't consider finding myself & my children in a strange town abandoned by him. He promised me that wouldn't happen.

My DC are primary age. Move has been sold to them as a very positive thing. They're excited but nervous.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:21:25

Spandangled- you're right, I am bored, and lonely & I know sometimes I over rely on him being my virtual entertainment & companionship. I can see that if he's working long hours, feeling pressure over a new job & all that my desire for contact could be irritating.
But, I'm a single parent, I can't go out & do stuff in the evenings as much as I'd love to be out & about.

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 22:22:06

So why did the relationship with the OW end?

Also what's the timeframe for all this? i.e. when did he leave his wife and when did the relationship with the OW end? Any other relationships you've known about within this time period before he met you?

Incidentally, I don't hold with all this 'once a cheater' schtick. That's why I asked you what reasons he'd given you for doing what he did. If you'd said that he deeply regretted it and would never do it again, that's one thing. But from what you've said, I'd say that he might be a perennial cheater, because his reasons for leaving his wife were so puerile and self-serving.

I should think he behaved towards her like he's behaving towards you right now.

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 22:22:36

The more you post the worse this sounds.

No-one should have to beg a partner to treat them well.

Have you got new school places sorted?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:25:13

That's what I'm afraid of Leaven.

He split with exW 7 years ago. Moved straight in with OW. They were together 5 years but split up because they never had sex at all, she totally lost interest in it as soon as he moved in & their relationship fell apart because of that. He was single for 6 months the he met me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:28:11

Perhaps I didn't put that well diagonally. What I meant was that I wanted him to know what a huge sacrifice I was making uprooting my kids & myself & to tell him that we must always promise to talk though our problems rather than end up like him & exW.

No school places sorted yet. Can't apply until tenancy agreement signed. Will be a joint tenancy for whoever asked that up thread.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:30:15

You do realise that anything he tells you about his exes is a warning - do this an I'll dump you. I guarantee that if you refuse sex he will be very sure to mention that he left the OW for that "crime.'

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:32:06

I don't know Cailin, I'm not defending him but....although we have a great sex life, there's been a couple of months where we haven't been able to have sex. I've had 2 very nasty miscarriages since we've been together & he was so good & so patient.

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 22:33:02

It's just incredible how he explains these relationships ending isn't it? The wife wasn't fanciable and the OW wasn't sexual. Honestly!

I'm sure he's been telling you that he could never stop fancying you and that sex is the best it's ever been eh?

And you thought that because you apparently fulfilled needs that these other women couldn't, he wouldn't stray?

Love, if any of this resonates, I'm not knocking you- especially as you're upset and still recovering from surgery. But look at what you're telling us here and look at the pattern.

I'd eat my hat if he wasn't cheating again and dreaming up his next excuse for why his current relationship is 'failing'. No doubt you'll get the blame for it just like his wife and the OW did.

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:10

Ok, I agree with spandangled, I too think you should just try to leave it tonight and get some sleep(easy to say, I know!), and tomorrow is Friday so he should be back for the weekend? There is no point second guessing, you need to be face to face for what will possibly be a very difficult conversation. But you must try to have it, Flappy., no matter how scary.

I've had a similar type of man in my life - he was full of plans, full of promises, but that was when reality was in the future As we worked towards the goal it gradually dawned on him that reality could never live up to what he wanted, and his reactions were as immature as his "perfect life" dreams. I was gutted but I don't miss him. (He's probably still going through his life repeating the same behaviour and never happy, leaving broken hearts everywhere - he wouldnt change why would he, there was nothing wrong with him, just everyone/everything else in his mind).

At the time of saying the stuff he said he truly believed it, I'm sure. His vision of himself was such that that he genuinely saw himself as the perfect family man, the saviour - if only he could find the right woman .Someone like that just hasn't grown up, and someone like you in a financially vulnerable position, particularly with children, needs a non grown up like a hole in the head.

I hope that it really is just work and so on, but even if it is solely, he has to learn to deal with pressure differently if this is to work.

Pilgit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:16

sorry, haven't read everything. This sounds like my DH when he went to uni. He detached, got uncommunicative and didn't talk when he was at home or away. It was hell and we had some really difficult times. Eventually he admitted that he was doing it because he was missing us so much when he was away that he found it easier to detach and go in on himself. I had to (rather forcefully) tell him that doing what he was doing was having a hideous effect on me, us and our child and that pulling away because he was missing us would make him lose us. It took a while but eventually he saw it. This might not be what is happening - but could it be?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:42:54

Thank you all so much. And thank you, pilgit. I was prepared to think it was partly what you describe until he sent me that horrible message last night saying he couldn't cope with the pressure I was putting on him & how I'd made his bad day even worse with my shitty text.
Now I am starting to suspect he might just be a cunt hmm

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:43:55

Can you describe how he was during the miscarriages? Sorry you went through that btw, it must have been very hard.

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:46

You say in your first post, Flappy:

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this

Think about it.

Garcia10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:53:17

I work away from home a considerable amount of the time. My job is high pressure and stressful. I love my husband and daughter incredibly and miss them constantly when I am away however I sometimes don't want to speak to them at the end of a long day away.

Your DH does seem to be acting strangely but he has just moved 100 miles away and has started a new job. He may be finding it stressful, perhaps wondering if he has made the right decision and is wanting to focus on the new job at the moment.

I think after two years of being together that some people may be too quick to tell you to LTB. I agree that trying to slow the house sale down would be a good idea to make sure that the move is right for you.

Could you and the DC visit him this weekend? See how you feel about the move and have a frank discussion with him about how his has been behaving has made you feel this week?

Hope things get better.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:55:32

Cailin, in actual fact, he wasn't great when we first very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant. I had to beg & beg with him to talk to me about it, to talk our options through. When I miscarried the first time though, he was supportive, did everything for me although, looking back after a couple of weeks the novelty had worn off & we had our first major sulking episode whilst we were on holiday.
Yes, Madeleine, I see the point you're making, the reality has hit him. Oh, fuck, I so don't want this to go tits up though. I love him so much. So do my kids. Fuck fuck fuck.

Monty27 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:56:52

I think it has gone tits up. Sorry OP.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:57:28

Why was he sulking on holiday? What was his reaction to the second miscarriage?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:03:13

We never get to the bottom of gear the sulking is about. Some days, he wakes up in a very different mood & just disconnects. Like my presence irritates him. He acknowledges me & all contact is perfunctory. Gets incredibly defensive if I ask him what's wrong then stops talking, ignores me. I get upset, shout a bit. It becomes my fault for shouting. I cry. He sees how much he's upset me & then starts being all normal again before admitting he's a twat (but stressed/tired etc etc) & it will never happen again.

2nd miscarriage- less sympathetic. That time round I hadn't known I was pregnant until I miscarried so there was less attachment. I wasn't so upset that time although physically it was just as difficult. He struggled with my hormones being all over the place. As did I, to be fair.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:06:53

In what way did he struggle with your hormones?

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:06:53

Gaaagh! Don't panic! You won't get anywhere with someone who communicates badly and sulks if you come across as "hysterical " in his eyes. (you aren't, but you can bet the house he will think that) He'll just want to shut you up, and he will sulk. It's what he does.

You are up against it, chick, not because I think he is necessarily cheating, or deliberately hurting you, or there is something dodgy going on, but purely because he obviously finds it easier to shut down any emotional conversation than to open up.

You just have to try to stay calm, and I'd introduce the conversation by sticking initially to getting him to talk about the job - how he feels about it, why he had a shit day etc. He may be more forthcoming eventuallyy if he doesn't think this is initially about enotions..

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:07:51


FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:10:14

Madeleine, you speak an awful lot of sense...!
Cailin, he struggled because I was just so emotionally messed up at the time, crying a lot & being very up and down. I think a lot of men find that hard. In his very logical and non hormonal brain, we hadn't wanted a baby, we weren't having a baby = not too much of a biggie.
Does that make any sense?

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 23:13:20

His behaviour makes you cry. Regularly.

Please, please, do not move to be with this man.

Get your housing and life sorted, make sure you can function independently and then rethink things.

Do you work?

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