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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

advice please

17 replies

OHGODHEREIGO · 03/10/2013 09:54

Im at the end of my tether here and need advice. I ve been with partner for six years now and things have been going wrong since 2010. We havent slept together since april, separate beds also. NO physical contact at all.
The crux of the problem was his constant drinking. He does hold down a job. He manages to have a hobby but around me and our dd al he really does it drink. At first I thought he would cut back, he did for some nights during the week but never stuck to it, ever. If he looks after dd at weekends I have lost count of the times I have come home to him sleeping, blood shot eyes and bugger all done. I say anything and it all kicks off, he says I am a nag and mad?!?
Recently I told him if this keeps up then I am finishing it - So his trick was to say ok no drink in the week- but he would come home late from work?, then nip out always for milk or some such item. He has never done this before? He has told me he is still at work Ive driven round to the shops and he has been sat in his car drinking wine?!?
I know he does this often as his mood has changed when he gets back.
He can go to work do hobbies without a drop but for me and our family life?!? this is the norm.
Im up shit creek as we have a joint mortgage and he WONT leave, WONT sell , WONT rent it out. I feel utterly sick as every last bit of money is tied up in the house. I am going to hae to rent out a smal place until he hopefully moves things on. Help any one any advice. x

OP posts:

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sidneyseagull · 03/10/2013 10:03

I'm sure lots of people will be around soon with better advice, but it sounds like your first step is to see a solicitor to work out how things would be financially if you did leave. If you get a divorce I believe the assets have to be split so some kind of sale would be inevitable if he won't let you and the children stay in the family home.

It sounds like he has problems with alcohol - you could speak to Al-Anon who help the families of such people, they have probably seen this kind of situation before.

The only thing that will probably make him change is a sudden loss of what he holds dear - you and the children. Alcoholics can be very selfish and he probably does really care for you and can't help himself - it is an illness after all.

Good luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 10:08

I agree with the advice to see a solicitor and getting some information. He's an alcoholic and therefore he's not going to respond to reason or threats or appeals to behave better. Hoping he moves on could be a vain hope as he seems quite comfortable as things are. Alcohol is currently his #1 priority and all you can do is save yourself.

akaWisey · 03/10/2013 10:09

I would be seeing a solicitor to find out what your right are. But I think with a DD (you don't say how old) you're entitled to stay in the home until she's 18. Plus him sitting in the car drinking a bottle of wine is grounds for divorce for UB right there.

And he can't have it all ways - if he wants to carry on drinking fair enough but not at the expense of you and your DD's quality of life. Show him the door and when he walks out of it I think the rest will feel a lot more manageable.

OHGODHEREIGO · 03/10/2013 10:14

Hi thanks for the responses. We are not married. He will not leave no way he has made that very clear. I cant stick it out here any longer I have tried but no more. He is also saying I can take dd, that he wants custody?! and she will live with him and his mum. It is all making me feel sick to my very core. Im not dealing with a reasonable, easy going chap here- he s like alpha male and he doesnt like it that Im the one who wants out.

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Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2013 10:18

You might want to check out the CAB online Advice Guides for separation. This one if you're not married.

foolonthehill · 03/10/2013 10:20

No he is not reasonable...however the courts are and if you have to use legal means then time to tighten your belt and do it.

30 minutes free advice from a family law solicitor and a trip to CAB will help you to get your head round this.

married or not you have a daughter this is the moment when you just have to do the right thing. put your fear and worry and sadness away for a short time and focus on what needs to be done. The feelings will be easier to deal with when you know that you are not powerless nor at his mercy and HE is not able to control you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 10:27

If he's threatening you and being unreasonable then leave rather than tolerate it any longer. See a solicitor about how you can force a house-sale, get out of the mortgage and release your share of the assets. Do you have friends and family that you can be with?

OHGODHEREIGO · 03/10/2013 10:33

Thank you Annie. One of my deepest fears is he will manage to get custody. I have taken anti- ds in pas and he says he wil use this to prove I am an unfit mother. This is the man who does nothing with dd uness bullied into it, never ever does the bedtime routine, school run rarely, takes her to appts. I feel sick tothe stomache to be honest.

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CocktailQueen · 03/10/2013 10:36

He will NOT get custody. A mother who used to take anti-depressants versus an alcoholic father?? No contest. Do as other people have suggested - see a solicitor and get advice.

He is an alcoholic and is putting drink first, you last. Crap example for his dc and sounds like a crap relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 10:37

Anti-depressants do not make anyone an unfit mother. Then again, alcoholism doesn't make anyone an unfit father. Courts need evidence of something very tangibly risky or dangerous in order to award custody away from one or other parent. Having said that, someone who has to be bullied into looking after their own child and who is impaired by alcoholism is probably not going to put up a big fight for custody, no matter what he says. He's simply using it as a threat in order to prevent you leaving. Hot air.

OHGODHEREIGO · 03/10/2013 11:16

Cogito I bloody hope it is hot air I really do. I want him to spend quality time with dd and would/will do everything in my power to help this to happen. I hate the way he makes these awful threats and puts everything on the edge. Why cant he be reasonable?

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CailinDana · 03/10/2013 11:22

The threat to take dd is totally empty. Having a child to look after would get in the way of his drinking which is a disaster for an alcoholic. He only uses that threat because it's the most effective way of manipulating you.

mummytime · 03/10/2013 11:32

Go and get legal advice, a lot of solicitors will give a free 1/2 hour.

My father fought my mother for custody. This was despite having had to be taken to court to support his other 5 children (different mother). It was all about control.

Don't let him frighten you, your mental health may well improve when he is gone.

ADs in no way indicate you are an unfit mother.

Meerka · 03/10/2013 11:36

Make notes of when when you've seen him drink, and when he's promised not to. And when he's broken that promise.

Also, if he's sitting in the car drinking ... then he could be drunk driving. Time for the police?

Make notes of what he's threatened, when.

Stand up to him and see how he acts; then make notes of that too. The more records you have, the better; you can stand your ground and prove things, more than "he said she said"

Good luck, what a horrible situation :s

OHGODHEREIGO · 03/10/2013 11:36

Thank you all. I ve already spoken to a solictor back in june! She said best bet is to get him to agree to a house sale.. He will not agree to that. Nor has he the money to buy me out which I would be happy with. There is a court order I could try to push for but it takes time and as there is no legal aid anymore I would be buggered.
If I leave house and rent by self I would get childtax credits (i think) I work and have some savings so I could manage and I could even still conribute to the mortgage (a bit)
Am hoping If I do that he will give in and sell the house or even rent it out for a time. Yee gods why did I get myself into this bloody mess! I am such a fool.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2013 11:50

I'm pretty sure that there are ways to force a house-sale legally. Obviously, it's better/cheaper/quicker if everyone agrees but, if you're dealing with an unreasonable person, you can't hope they'll wake up and see sense.

cjel · 03/10/2013 13:05

sorry you are going through this. Don't take what he says as what has to happen, a lot of what e is saying is rubbish. You can get court orders to force sale but sometimes that is very lengthy.
Go to solicitor and start proceedings, you won't know what can happen until you start doing it and the uncertainty is always worse. I'd also report to police if you see him in car drinking or if you know he is driving drunk. do not be an enabler.
YOu have a great future and he is bullying you to keep his life as it is. Make it stopxx

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