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why are some wonen attracted to abusive men

(81 Posts)
londonniceguy Thu 03-Oct-13 09:20:19

Some women seem to be serially attracted to abusive men. Nature or nurture?

Lazyjaney Thu 03-Oct-13 19:50:08

I thought divorce rocketed till the 90s then stabilised?

When I was in my 20s and footloose, some of the men (boys?) I knew reckoned that women didn't like "nice guys", or similar comments. I've not heard it much since, but there are definitely women I know over the decades who are in a repeat loop with unsuitable men (and vice versa for that matter) that everyone else can see are crap from miles away.

I think 2 things have changed - firstly more economic independence so less need to take crap, and secondly a higher expectations of marriage and less willingness to take the rough with the smooth.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 03-Oct-13 21:32:19

I read an article once which claimed that every single character on eastenders could be diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder, going by the DSM-IV.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 03-Oct-13 21:45:33

I think also OP what you say is very true -people with healthy emotions can very often spot someone who is in an unhealthy relationship headspace and steer clear. This definitely happened to me a few times. This leaves only a pool of either people who are emotionally unhealthy themselves and don't notice, or don't care, or predators who are specifically looking for someone vulnerable. I think this latter category of abuser is rare. I think abusive relationships come from people playing out unhealthy dynamics, and unfortunately for women, our culture is very much a man's world, still. So the person who expects more often ends up being the man and he will go to ridiculous lengths to get what he feels he is entitled to. The woman steps easily into the scapegoat and peacekeeper role and the abuse dynamic is set. It can happen the opposite way, or both parties can be manipulative in equal measures, but let us not forget that relationships don't happen in a vacuum. As long as society tells us even subtly that men are on top, certain men will fight to keep that position at home.

londonniceguy Thu 03-Oct-13 22:11:35

Ha Yoni. I only watch it occasionally, but they all seem to shout and scream at each other. They are all sooo dysfunctional. The dynamics of male - female relationships are extremely complex and sometimes unfathomable

OhDearNigel Thu 03-Oct-13 23:12:47

I heard one eminent lecturer in domestic violence describe it like this:

Children and their parents make a jigsaw. If your parents are in an abusive relationship, the pieces of the jigsaw might be differently shaped to normal jigsaw pieces, jagged, mishapen if you like. The little girl's brain is wired to fit the dysfunctional jigsaw of her family life.

When that little girl is growing up and looking to make her pwn jigsaw puzzle, she might find a lovely, kind man who is a regular shaped piece of the puzzle. He's great but he doesn't really fit into the jagged edges that she's used to, the jagged edges that her subconscious needs to feel "complete". So they split. Then she finds a new guy. He's a bastard, treats her badly and makes her cry. Just like her dad did with her mum. But he has all the jagged edges that fit neatly into her mental jigsaw. This is why DV victims go for the same man, over and over and over again.

I think there might be something on her website - Zoe Lodrick

londonniceguy Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:09

OhDearNigel That is a great analysis, I must say

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