Lurking on relationships board for many years hoping to get a feel for what constitutes a happy marriage and family. My birth family was pretty dysfunctional though all siblings get along great now - one studying psychotherapy has helped us iron out issues over the years. My parents relationship was and is a car crash.
DH and I have been together 17 years, married 15 and have 3 DC. We have our own business which suffered hugely in recession but we weathered that and various family dramas etc, both of us are early 40's. For various reasons I have been taking stock of our marriage and I'm not happy with many elements. On a day to day level we function well - household/ childcare/ working are all split fairly equally but things that bother me are:
The coldness that exists between us, no hugs (ever), no kissing except during sex or a peck on the lips at night. I am very touchy-feely with kids and friends though not with my own family. DH doesn't like being touched or stroked as his skin is very sensitive. Sometimes on the couch at night I put my feet in his lap, he used to stroke them but now mostly ignores.
DH constantly criticizes me, particularly my cooking and everything I do at work. He has succeeded in pushing me out of the kitchen and if I do cook he either stands over me commenting on everything or if I cook while he is out he will pull it apart when he gets home - it gives him indigestion/ I use too much butter/ we ate this two days ago ...... on and on. He got the kids to rate something I cooked the other day against his version - I got marked out of 10. It was supposed to be light-hearted but I just felt undermined. This also happens at work.
I don't feel we are particularly effective parents and our parenting styles are very different. Probably in response to my own affection-free childhood I was instinctively practiced attachment parenting - babies were breastfed (third child until she was 2 1/2), slept in our bed and were carried in slings. I read all the parenting books I can get my hands on, I try hard to iron out the flaws I know I have - I tend to be a bit moody and tempermental. When I am I tell the kids - I need some peace and quiet or I go for a walk etc. DH is grumpy all the time and very shouty with them all, particularly with eldest who is a teenager. Eldest is very quiet, sweet boy - good in school etc etc but DH gets on his case all the time. Seems to be incapable of reading him - eg getting antsy when DS makes a joke - takes it seriously instead. I seem to be constantly peacemaking between the two then DH tells me I am undermining him as a parent. I genuinely don't want to and find myself saying nothing when I desperately want to defend DS sometimes.
Feeling a bit teary writing this down and thank you if you've got this far. In your honest opinion how much of this is normal day-to-day stuff or do we have real issues we need to sort out?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Crit my marriage please as I have no healthy model to compare to (v long)
20 replies
Jessdurberville · 01/10/2013 15:14
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.