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Is it really that bad...because I feel like I want to boot him out(232 Posts)
I've been a lurker for months and posted once when I first found MN. Ive had to create a new account for this though as I couldn't remember what I'd registered under.
I'm in danger of either massively over reacting or massively under reacting and I would like some advice from some of you wise MNetters to probably do something in between.
I'll try and keep it as short as possible, sorry if it ends up dragging on...
DH and I have had issues for a couple of years now. Particularly during my pregnancy and in the first year or DS's life. He's 18 months now. DH was just a total selfish twunt, like many others probably. Very unsupportive, moody, downright mean on occasions. He also rediscovered porn and as a result we didn't have sex for 20 months. Last Christmas we nearly broke up but decided to try and work it out.
But then another issue came up, which was his work. He is self employed and works hard but dictates his own hours. For the first year of DS's life, he worked way too much and was out most nights. Infact, he was only at home for 47 evenings . I counted on the calendar once. He saw DS for a few hours every morning but because he was never home at night it meant 1) I could never go out with friends or to the gym, 2) I never got a break from the early mornings or sleep disturbance 3) it was hard to get my own work done and 4) I felt very lonely, we never saw each other and I felt our relationship wasn't recovering because of this, it is still very strained. To me anyway, he thinks its fine.
Two months ago, I snapped and said I couldn't go on and things had to change because I refused to live like this any longer. I said we didn't need money that much and laid down some rules. He had to have at least one day off a week, one weekend day a month and two evenings at home a week.
He stuck to it for six weeks. On Friday, he told me that this week he would be out every night working again, but quickly added that he had booked this week before my rules were implemented so he couldn't do anything about it. Then he proceeded to boast about the number of days off he had taken the last six weeks, how good he's been and suggested we have sex to celebrate as we haven't it for a while and tried to get me to thank him. I got annoyed at the time that he expected praise for a basic relationship requirement and forgot to ask the reasons why he had to work.
Anyway, I asked him today. He immediately went on the defensive and told me I never listen, it's impossible to tell me anything. He'd booked the work two months ago. I asked him what and which days and he said Thurs/Fri. It turns out the work he is doing tonight and tomorrow was definitely changeable and would only have been booked last week. I know this because I did the same work for the same people and still do sometimes.
I know for a fact he could have looked at his calendar last week, seen that he was working every night and decided to pass the work on to colleagues, which would have been easy because they all want more work. He didnt want to because he is in a mood with two of the guys he works with and didnt want to give them the extra.
So he has reneged on the agreement because of a stupid mood. I'll be on my own all week, struggling to get my own work done - ive a really busy week ahead - and look after DS
I know it might not seem the worst crime in the world but I feel like telling him to pack his bags. I resent the fact he tried to bluster over it by saying I don't listen to him to distract me from finding out the truth.
We didnt speak for an hour while I mulled over it. Then he started being really nice and sweet and went to work. I havent said my piece yet because I don't know what to say. Very often what would happen is it will just get left and add to the mountain of resentment, which is a permanent fixture in our front room and has a lovely decorative elephant on top of it.
How bad is it really? Thank you, if you've managed to get this far
"it's nothing to do with me, it's about him,"
This stood out to me as the central truth.
Cut down on the contact - only by email/text and only about your DC. Do as close to end of the path handovers as is practical. Do not talk, do not engage.
I would also limit chats with your Dad, as he doesn't sound a very positive influence, and you don't need to deal with negative ones more than you have to right now.
I'm sure your house is looking much better already.
Honestly, if you read that and imagine it was said to a friend after they'd just escaped the marriage you describe... wouldn't you think it all sounds a bloody nightmare, he sounds a nightmare, and isn't it just as well she's out of it?
Not your problem. Don't make it your problem and don't let him make it your problem. You don't need to know any of this. Don't ask and don't listen, don't let him tell you.
Really, concentrate on your life. Make it a happy one.
I know, I know, I'll shut up now!
Reading it back, it's ridiculous. Must not get sucked in, must not get sucked in
Look Ellie. Whatever.
You weren't happy. You decided to do something about it. You know you were being abused. No matter what stories come out, what's the point I'm overthinking it all. It just means you are falling into the game again.
Just say 'oh right' and talk about the weather.
He says his counsellor agrees on the grounds that it got in the way of him having an intimate relationship with his wife, therefore to him, it's an addiction?!
Sex addict cos he wanks 3 times a week
If his councillor agrees he's a sex addict then there's something he's not telling you.
yeah, I am trying to about most of it, but that side of things has been bugging me. I just don't get it.
I think you should just be glad that this isn't your problem any more.
When he tells you this stuff, can you just say "Oh, right?" in a disinterested fashion and start talking about something else?
Plus today, I saw him when he dropped DS off and he told me he had decided not to wank anymore and obviously sex is off the Table, it's been a week and he really doesn't know what to do with himself now.
WTF??!! I just shook my head at him. Am I supposed to feel bad for him?
Thought I'd update, I'd also love a pearl of wisdom or two or three...
We're still apart. Im constantly getting asked to give it another go but i am standing my ground.
H has had another counselling session. He says he is getting counselling for sex addiction, self pity and self destructive behaviour and for the fact he emotionally abused me.
He told me the counsellor took him down paths he never expected, it's nothing to do with me, it's about him, so he doesn't want to tell me any revelations, which is fair enough I suppose.
But for months I had thought there was something he wasn't telling me and all of this sort of confirmed it. So I asked him about his "sex addiction". I never thought he was having an affair, but I wondered if he was doing more than just masturbating to porn. Prostitutes crossed my mind to be honest. There's a red light district near where he works.
He denied this strongly and I believe him. But then he said, porn wasn't really the issue with him any more. But wanking is. I asked him how often he does it and he said a couple of times a week??!!
How is that a sex addiction?!
It just seems a bit self indulgent to call it that to me. Around Christmas time, I left for a few days after rows and he broke down and told me the reason he had been so horrible to me was because he was wanking to porn a few times a week and was unable to have sex because of it so our relationship had deteriorated. We hadn't had sex for about 20 months.
I said at the time I thought maybe he was being too hard on himself, a few times a week had just replaced our sex life and we could work through it. Now he is saying he never stopped and although it is only a few times a week, he has a low sex drive so if he does it he is unable to DTD for a couple of days.
TBH this is has been a side issue for me for some time because after spending so long trying to initiate sex and getting rejected and then getting generally treated like shite, I haven't wanted to have sex with him for a long time anyway.
But he says it is the crux of everything, we weren't intimate, so we weren't close and we got mean to each other.
I am now veering between feeling like he is just making it all about him again, that even if he does have issues he should have taken responsibility. If our relationship was collapsing because he couldn't resist a thrice weekly wank, he should have been nicer to me.
But then sometimes I wonder whether, when you're husband is trying to tell you he has some mental health issues you should really stick around to try and work them out. I haven't told him that though. Plus I don't want to.
Ah, but they are beeyootiful bedcovers
It's a rollercoaster, love. We are here if you need us.
Though tomorrow night I might be a blethering mess blubbing into my beautiful new bedcovers!
Oh and also I went out today and bought cushions and lamps and a bedspread and now my rooms all girlie! I can't see how it's going to be a lifetime of misery myself!
Good thanks, feeling much more positive tonight.
H text this afternoon to say he had been offered a job, which would actually have solved a lot of the probs at the beginning of the year. Oh the irony! He suggested life would be better if now if I took him back. I replied with my congratulations and said that would mean he would have a lot more time to spend regular days with DS at his new house. Then I gave myself a massive pat on the back.
Saw my DF for the first time since it happened and told me H is a weak man, how the fuck I married him in the first place is beyond him, it's typical me to get into a mess like that, now I have a choice between a miserable life ahead of me stuck in a mess of a marriage or a miserable hard life as a single mother!? Cheers dad.
Suddenly it all fits into place!! Ha!
Thanks for asking! X
I know, we've done grief, pleading, denial and repentance. Anger must be on its way
I am toasting the peace in your world tonight
but agree there is the need for a cautious approach.
Agree to be cautious. Odd that an abusive person is so swift to reach the understanding, right after failing to get you back by wailing. I dunno, I really hope this is going to stick, but be watchful.
So glad for you that things are at least calm tonight.
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