Troubled friend and her child

[Glowtini]

Hi all, NC for this one as I'm actually posting on behalf of a friend with her permission.

I was chatting to my friend over coffee today, and she mentioned that a friend of hers (lets call her A) has asked my friend if she could childmind her DD every sunday for 9 hours whilst she works, and also do the pick-ups from nursery and look after her for a half hour until she finishes work. Friend doesn't have children of her own, and babysits A's just-turned 3 DD occasionally on an evening, so didn't know about being registered to childmind etc until I explained it all to her. I asked if A maybe had any friends or family to help her out and my friend said that A's family were living in Australia now and she had lost all of her friends over the last six months, and had no-one left. A had had an affair with her best friends fiance (they had been together 8 years) and consequently none of their mutual friends want anything to do with A and the fiance (lets call him B) anymore. B split up with his fiancee, and immediately started (or carried on) dating A. Two weeks later they started trying for a baby, and four weeks later A was pregnant. She's now 14 weeks pregnant and B moved in two weeks ago.

For the last several months, every time friend has gone around to babysit, she has said the state of the house is very messy and dirty. There's no room for the daughter to play in her own room, and there are clothes and toys strewn everywhere and it seems to be getting worse. I'm a messy person, but when I was suffering from PND my house was a total tip - messy and unclean as I just didn't know where to start. However friend has said it's really worrying her as it's like this every time.

Then there's B. A and B seem to have quite a volatile relationship, very up and down. There's no violence or arguing in front of the children (from what friend knows) but their big arguments tend to happen when they go out drinking in an evening, and last time A came home at 1am drunk and hysterical, telling my friend that they'd had a massive argument and she needed to borrow my friends car and drive over to B's house and sort it out. Their argument had been because A chatted to an old male work colleague at the bar whilst she was buying drinks, and B accused her of chatting him up. B also tells her that she 'can't go out dressed like that', and has once told her that she couldn't go out that night. They check each other's text and emails (apparently all in the name of sharing) and when they argue, B says he will go back to his ex who still very much wants him back. This whole scenario with my friend needing to babysit has only come up since B moved in - presumably A had previous arrangements for her DD on a sunday, so it could be coincidence that they're changing, or something to do with B! Friend has met B several times and can't really get an impression off of him other than he's quiet, and interacts with A's DD on a minimal level. He might be brilliant with A's DD when friend isn't around, A says he is very good with her DD, so who knows?

In the midst of all this is A's DD, who is only three, and had to deal with so much in the past few months. Friend says that A seems utterly obsessed with B to the detriment of her daughter, and I think B seems controlling and possessive and has picked on a vulnerable woman. I think his behaviour will get worse with the pregnancy and who knows how he will treat A's DD when the new baby is born?

I should say that all of the info my friend has has come directly from A herself, who doesn't see anything wrong with the situation. My friend is becoming increasingly concerned, but is worried that if she brings it up with A, she will fly off the handle and no longer have contact with her. She says she doesn't think she knows A well enough to have that kind of talk, but although she doesn't have children of her own, she senses that something isn't quite right with A's situation.

Apologies for this being so long, I wanted to convey the full situation. Can anyone offer any advice on what my friend can do? I suggested a woman's aid leaflet, but tbh I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, and A herself sees nothing wrong with the relationship, and I'd be worried about B's reaction if he found it!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If your friend thinks a child is in danger or being neglected then she has a duty to report it to social services. The child is the primary concern here, not the adults.

[sisterofmercy]

She could ring childline or the NSPCC if she doesn't want to go near social services...

[Glowtini]

Yes Cogito, I suggested ss - friend doesn't think she's in danger or being neglected, but can see it's going that way iyswim? I said maybe she could give SS a call and they would keep it on record, and maybe they would make a visit out to the house but I don't have any experience with SS so not too sure if they would do anything.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The child is living in filth and the partner is volatile/violent. SS would take an interest.

[Phalenopsis]

If your friend does go to SS, she needs to make sure that she asks to remain anonymous. Believe it or not, if she doesn't ask SS can reveal her identity and the excrement will really hit the aircon then.

More generally, I cannot see what else your friend can do. If A has become obsessed with B, then she won't listen to anyone else telling her how toxic her relationship is. The best thing for her to do is keep an eye on her children and try to remain detached concerning the relationship. I wouldn't be lending her the car. She's minding the child and should try to keep out of the relationship as much as possible.

[Phalenopsis]

If your friend doesn't want A to know that she has reported her that is.

[Glowtini]

Thanks everyone. Wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting in telling her to call SS initially - it's what I would do, but wasn't sure of my first reaction. I hope my friend can do it though, she seemed a bit unsure although I said she could remain anonymous.

[Whatnext074]

Glowtini - you could report it yourself. I'm afraid where there is a concern over a child, it doesn't matter who provides the information to SS, they will act on it in a professional, sensitive way. I couldn't just sit on that knowledge of concern myself.

[Glowtini]

I would love to, I said to friend that I would earlier (but wanted to check advice on mumsnet first) but she hasn't given me any details yet. She said she would wait and see what you all said, so this should confirm what I told her earlier

[Whatnext074]

Just to add, if SS investigate and there is no concern then nothing has been lost and you both have peace of mind. Good luck.

[savemefromrickets]

She can report to the NSPCC who will refer onto ss if needed, however, she needs to make sure she doesn't reveal information about herself to ensure she remains anonymous.