Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

pain in my chest

(107 Posts)
sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 10:07:52

I've been alone for 6 weeks after my husband of 32years left me. I'm in a state of horror and stunned unreality. I have no children at home and no relations closer than 80miles away. Moved to the middle of nowhere - 5 miles from a village - 10 years ago with the idea of saving money(!) and working less. Didn't really have a clear plan except that my partner is bipolar and we thought this would be less stressful.

I am finding the days passing so incredibly painful I can hardly eat/sleep or even breathe properly. This site has been amazingly helpful.

Twinklestein Tue 08-Oct-13 21:31:26

Thinking of you (and damsons) x

sssosad Wed 09-Oct-13 14:59:21

sorry I can't put a bowl of delicious bottled damsons on here for you Twinklestein.....I am staying strong and I am keeping myself calm. I think CogitoErgoSometimes has the nail on the head to a tee.....I have to look after myself. to which end, I think he's got to a do a lot of serious talking and, naff though it sounds, quite a lot of wooing and courting before he has a chance of making this work. I feel anxious that it will all fall apart, but I think we have a chance. I've got my sister here for a few days and she is very cautious and angry with him. good person to have here. Next week I had planned to be away. He's not trying to influence what I do/with whom or where...

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 09-Oct-13 15:17:32

I have just read your whole thread. I think your husband is incredibly selfish and, frankly, not fit to wipe your boots let alone be the cause of your tears. How bloody dare he tell you the "pity fuck" request?!

It is so, so apparent that you want him back; that you want your life together again. If that's possible for you perhaps you could use this interlude to figure out how you want that life to be. Maybe not all about him? He's not treated you with any respect at all and you do, surely, deserve that at the very least.

And I don't know how your sister resists punching him on the nose

Please be kind to you. Not him. You. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 15:29:29

Glad you have a ferocious sister smile Pleased also that you're not rushing back and that you're taking your time out. You have all the time in the world here and, now the immediate fear and pain has lifted, you have chance to examine your real feelings. Don't be surprised, in other words, if that anxiety turns into anger.

sssosad Thu 10-Oct-13 00:38:51

well we've talked and talked and I'm sure that's what we'll go on doing. I've said I don't want him to move back in any time frame - his flat is rented until february.

A very old friend - 86 with a 65yr old marriage said recently that although he and his wife had never actually parted they had had a huge seismic shift in their relationship after 30 years and he felt that if they had been brave enough to part they would have had a chance to rebuild their relationship on a new basis. Instead it had taken 10 years of shifting to get into the next bit of their lives.

I pointed out how vicious the other relationship has been - ie that it was really too different to compare, but I've thought about it a lot since - he shut up the minute I mentioned the difference and I felt he thought he had been too forward. Wish I'd kept my mouth shut really!

I wish there was a web site like this where I could find some really ancient marriages to look at? We change throughout our lives and until recently most marriages were 40 years at best - do we have to find different ways of living if we are to live so long? am I blathering?

I'm so confused and tired that right now all I want is to be on my own - well that's a huge huge step in the right friends and family have been astonishing and my friends here have given me a totally new appreciation of the web.

I think I should close this thread at present because I need to just read a book and watch some old movies in bed.

I want to thank you all, i don't know anything about mums net - but I'll leave this open for now incase anyone wants to tell me about a fantastic website for recovering marriages? I hope so much this is what I'm looking at!
thank you

Whatnext074 Thu 10-Oct-13 00:44:35

sssosad - not sure if you've gone yet but I don't think you'll find the answer to your situation on an internet search. You can't compare marriages and searches only bring confusion because everybody's experience is so different.

Go with what your heart and head tells you is right. Take your time, there is no rush. I hope things work out how you want them too. Take care x

cjel Thu 10-Oct-13 11:53:19

just care for yourself and you will be the best person to judge what your marriage needs, Give yourself time and the rest will follow. Trust yourself.x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now