Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

pain in my chest

(107 Posts)
sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 10:07:52

I've been alone for 6 weeks after my husband of 32years left me. I'm in a state of horror and stunned unreality. I have no children at home and no relations closer than 80miles away. Moved to the middle of nowhere - 5 miles from a village - 10 years ago with the idea of saving money(!) and working less. Didn't really have a clear plan except that my partner is bipolar and we thought this would be less stressful.

I am finding the days passing so incredibly painful I can hardly eat/sleep or even breathe properly. This site has been amazingly helpful.

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 15:08:23

Oh. I am out of my depth on that one. I have no experience of break ups like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 15:34:00

Well done OP for staying strong. Like all bad habits, the longer you abstain, the less compelling they become smile

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 18:46:53

so upset to find a close friend has been telling my husband about all my visitors and how ''well'' she thinks I'm doing. I don't want him snooping and spying on me. If he wants to know how I am he should email me, not just be made to feel better about himself because he's reassured I'm ok. I shouted at her and then felt a shit and had to go round to apologise...but it's right isn't it? he doesn't deserve to be given glad tidings of me?
Dr was great, just said I shouldn't take the antidepressants for grief, but can take the less than half dose of diazepam, less than half dose of sleeping pills and top up with valerian drops. Still can't seem to get more than 4 hrs sleep. Crummy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 18:55:04

Why is your close friend chatting to your ex anyway? Zero loyalty...

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 18:56:24

Not really, they're a married couple, close friends of us both, and he went to see them both.....but I think she 'got' that she hadn't helped anyone...

sssosad Tue 01-Oct-13 11:51:04

Had to phone him today to get details of bank stuff. He confused me so much talking about how he had no idea it would be so hard for me and stuff I've ended up agreeing to a longer phone call at 1pm.
Now torn up all over again, foul foul foul. He said "do you want me to come back?" what did he mean? he said "I just wanted to know you were ok that's why I asked helen how you were". i said if he wanted to know how I am he should email me. Not use my friends to spy on me.
SO painful, my chest is thumping with it all.

FavoriteThings Tue 01-Oct-13 12:00:42

Will reply later, and fuller,hopefully before 1pm when I have more time. I do think that close friends, especially if they are a couple are rather caight in the middle. They are best not to slag off anyone. Dont know how they would manage to stay friends with both sides. Lots of diplomacy needed.

cjel Tue 01-Oct-13 12:26:02

We have friends who have stayed friends to both of us , but we don't discuss the other.
Are you sure you want a longer phone call? it sounds as if he is going to have some sort of power kick by thinking he will be the answer to all your problems?confused

FavoriteThings Tue 01-Oct-13 13:22:27

This is my opinion on it. Might be wrong.
I cant really see anything wrong with him asking Helen how you were, and her giving him her honest opinion. OK to say that he has to email about that in future.

The phone call now. Sorry I couldnt be back earlier. Up to you. But keep emotional distance, and dont expect him back. Have it, with a note by hte phone if necessary, that he isnt coming back. Remember point c.

sssosad Wed 02-Oct-13 13:02:04

Thank you. Yesterday I worked extra hours which was good...but we had a 2.5hr phone call. It was really about how things went wrong - but it was good, calm and I did snipe and bitch, but he took it all and didn't attempt to justify it. He said he thought we should think about some therapy together in the not too distant future. He was NOT saying he wants to come back/ he wasn't saying he wants to stay free. He really doesn't know what he wants at all. The not girlfriend has again said she just wants to be friends, doesn't love or fancy him .On being pressed apparently just said You're too old - 20 yr gap is too big. However much he fantasises that really isn't going to change! He says he wants to stop being in love with her - and thinks it's happening. I don't think anything will change in any way until he does. I did feel strong and calm for the rest of the day and handled a difficult meeting at work with a good outcome. First time I've really had to put my head above the parapet at work since he left. Strangely I felt calmer all evening, not because I think he's coming back, but because we are being supportive and kind to each other and I think after 32 years that's probably the only way we can be. I know I'll survive if he doesn't come back - I know time will change everything and maybe I won't even want him to when/if he wants to. But this is such early days and so much is in flux.

FavoriteThings Wed 02-Oct-13 13:28:24

"I know I'll survive if he doesnt come back". Well done . Maybe without you realising it, you have made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. Even 4 days ago, I dont think you would have written that.

sssosad Wed 02-Oct-13 14:02:06

thank you, hard to see progress, but maybe you're right. I'm glad I copied my old thread and can read all the good stuff you wrote on that too.

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 09:22:30

still feeling more normal and a tiny bit stronger...sun shining. I banged my head badly in a shop yesterday - corner of a shelf. I have a huge bruise on my temple and pain all the way into my jaw. Yes, i did make them put it in the accident book! I think it's woken me up a bit!

cjel Thu 03-Oct-13 09:43:28

Sorry you hurt, perhaps its banging some sense into youconfused How do you feel apart from the head injury?x

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 10:43:56

weirdly ended up going out to dinner with him last night, constructive talk....not sure where we're going, but communicating without freaking out is certainly a step forward. Now no contact for a bit to let me digest and see where I am. Listening to music for the first time - thank you for that! ipod so full of us I haven't been able to bear it, but shuffle is good most of the time....
I don't feel as though I'm just fantasising about him coming back, but i do feel more as though it's my choice too! standing taller and just managed to eat a reasonable breakfast....thank you

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 11:52:45

I'm glad you're feeling stronger OP.

I think joint therapy with someone who's bipolar is problematic.

Any couples therapist like Relate or similar don't have the training or experience to deal with someone who's bipolar.

I don't know if he's doing therapy anyhow related to his illness. If he's not he should.

Personally, in your situation I'd want to have therapy on my own.

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 14:13:37

I think ideally it would be with a psychologist/psychotherapist with a lot of experience. He is in CBT therapy and also sees a psychiatrist regularly as well as gp. I'm in therapy - doing CAT for 20 weeks. All of it private - even a psychiatrist on the NHS is useless - four different ones at four consecutive appointments (so easy to discuss changes and progress when you've never met someone before!). His illness has been such a huge financial burden for so many years! We did 6 sessions of couples counselling a few months ago - but as he now agrees, he wasn't really engaging with it at all as, although he continued to say he wanted to stay married, it didn't seem as though he was engaged with the work. Now think she was just bewildered by the pair of us. Actually I am too.

Last night he talked far too much about loving the non-girlfriend and I screamed at it him for it. He said he can\t get through 48 hrs without seeing her! I was chuffed that I got through a week without seeing him. Bastard didn't seem to see any correlation between the two! so weird, a loves b loves c - But he can't take those 20 years off his life whatever he does and she ain't going to give over. He also talked about the reasons he can't come back. I was astonished by them, they were all things which two intelligent people who love each other and want something to work should be eminently capable of achieving.

I don't think I'm letting myself get high on it all. But I did think at one point, that I'd really like him to be wanting to come back so that I could really work out if I want to go on with it. Put me in the driving seat and see what I want to do with the next 25years.
He ended up being so much more positive about everything that I went to bed thinking there'd be a horrible email today saying that actually he didn't think x y or z and had just got confused last night. Nothing came, and annoyingly we ended up bumping into each other an hour ago. Still, I got to say, was he happy about how the evening had gone? and he said he was.

Trying to stay cool.

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 15:12:22

What were his reasons why he 'can't' come back?

I'm not convinced he loves this woman, it's infatuation... she's not interested, it's not real...

I agree with you that he really needs to want to come back.

At the moment he's got you hanging on, desperate to resolve things, and you're in a horrible situation of having to play second fiddle to his folie de fantasie.

MN introduced me to Chump Lady & this an apt summary:

The humiliating dance of pick me

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 15:20:40

this is an apt summary ^

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 15:32:02

The first reason was "because you'll never forgive me" went onto, "I want to spend time alone with my friends" "I don't like doing crosswords with you" "we always have a bad time on holidays" "you don't work full-time" (err he doesn't either) etc etc oh yes, "you blame the not-girlfriend" and so on. None of them seemed to be areas I could see as insurmountable - like "I want to live alone" or "I don't love you" etc. I think nothing can happen until he stops this insane infatuation - he keeps on using the word "limerence" and has apparently even asked her if they couldn't just have a pity-fuck to knock it on the head! she responded by saying "yuck! what a disgusting idea" - she is so weird! who could listen to this crap and yet still want to see him for a game and a coffee three times a week? surely at some stage she'll just get bored? I think it's mainly flattery and attention that she's turned on by, but even so? yes, I think it's all in his head.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I'm just much more interested in who I am and what I want and to that end I just want to spend time alone and work out how I can be comfortable/relaxed and myself on my own. I feel much much stronger and am filling my diary up as fast as I can.

Feeling physically so much stronger and hey I'm really enjoying my new body - 3stone off has made me look a lot younger.

He's away for a few days now and I'm going to take the opportunity to take a friend down to the pub and see some old friends without worrying that he may be coming in any minute (or worse still needing to ring him beforehand and say I'm going down so please don't).

He wants to meet up regularly to talk more and work on things - even managed to say that the ideal conclusion would be us back together again. I've heard him say everything under the sun (he spares me nothing) and I don't think these words mean much more than any others. I don't think anything between us can be meaningful or useful until he finally lets go of the limerence.....and so I just have to get on with ME.

Love the link! very well put.


Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 16:19:03

I'm infuriated at the situation he's putting you in.

He's trying desperately to have an affair and failing because he's too flipping old to be attractive to this woman. (The failed pity fuck attempt is just hilarious).

But he wants you to meet up every few days to discuss the situation and rub your nose in it. Telling you where you've gone wrong. Oh - he doesn't like doing the crossword with you, and oh - you only work part time. (Perhaps you would work full time if you were not caring for someone with serious mental health problems!)

He's got both you & this OW dancing round him & he's revelling in the attention & the power. Chump Lady is absolutely right that your husband wants this competition to go on indefinitely. It's all food to his ego.

The implication of all this - utterly false and utterly disrespectful to you - is the following:

the OW is better, she is who he wants, but he can't get her and he'll hang out with you for pity because you're so upset about him leaving.
He will tell you where you went wrong (crosswords, holidays etc)
All the while underlining that your role in his life is to be his carer: it's your job to make sure he's happy & healthy, any bits you miss he's entitled to get from another woman.

It's all complete nonsense of course. Disgraceful. You are clearly such a lovely person, and if anyone does not deserve anyone here, he does not deserve you.

The only way to make this work is to pull the rug from under him completely. Ditch him (or make him think you have) and become the unattainable woman, the one he had, but lost. The one he aspires to be with, but can't.

At the moment you're chasing him & he's loving it. As long as you do that he will identify you as the one who's not good enough.

Once he sees he's lost you completely, his so-called feelings for the OW will collapse. He'll become critical of her. She'll become inferior because he has her and not you.

I know how much you love him, how much you want to see him and understand what happened. But if you continue seeing him he will never face reality. I don't think anything he's saying is real anyway, so it's not even helpful.

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 08:22:12

I think you're right and I just have to be strong. so hard.
Mornings are the pits

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 08:35:11

Morning sssosad, I find that the best way to deal with that crap morning feeling is to get up and start it, then you find its afternoon and you've passed it. I know how hard it is and want to say that I think he is being horrid to you and you may be giving the fact that he is bipolar too much space in all this, Nothing he says is due to that, its all due to the fact hes a normal cheating man. Really hard but hes not special just an idiot and I would try with everything you have to start to live with no contact with him.sad

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 11:29:59

thank you. not helped today by fasting blood test......feelinh dreadful again. on sofa, howling,

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 13:38:57

have you been able to eat yet? is your dog howling wit you? mine used to!!
How are you feelingnow?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now