please tell me what happens after a row in 'normal' relationships....

[Ihavethislittlesister]

So I know I've got issues at home with my r'ship with H particularly regarding his anger and communication (sounds great huh?... )

He will tend to refuse to discuss whats pissed him off, favouring the slamming around and the silence approach. He will never apologise and will never accept one from me (if I owe one) so I often dont bother as its thrown back at me and almost makes things worse. He can then stay pretty quiet (you might want to read that as sulking..) for a couple of days. It gets resolved when he decides not as a result of a discussion.

Please tell me what happens after a row or disagreement in your house... I just want to understand the scale of how bad this is...

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I don't know what happens in normal relationships after a row, but it was like this with my husband. It's one of the reason I left almost a year ago and he will soon be an Ex-H.

[Vivacia]

Sounds pretty much like the house I grew up in. My partner and I don't row. We disagree, we misunderstand but we don't hurt each other with actions or words.

[MadameLeBean]

Sometimes we have a cooling off period where we don't speak for an hour or two (give each other space - he needs this) but we always talk it through, acknowledge the part we each played in the row and we never let the sun go down on an argument

[MadameLeBean]

We are both pretty fiery and bossy so we do row - but not often
And only over silly things if we are tired

[DownstairsMixUp]

In a normal relationship you might need half an hour to cool down, then you approach what bothered you and sort it like adults. My ex was exactly as described. I used to dread having arguments (which are natural every so often) and ended up feeling like I was treading on egg shells even if i had a different view to him, I'd start to just be quiet so it didn't cause a row. I left him. Not saying you should but you need to talk to your DP and explain you aren't happy with the way rows are resolved if you want the relationship to work.

[CailinDana]

We don't argue as such, we discuss things and it can get a bit heated but we never shout, sulk or call each other names. It usually ends with a hug and a kiss and maybe some make up sex.

[mumtosome61]

You are entitled to an opinion - anything else is just invalidating emotions and his refusal to discuss HIS emotions suggests he is backwards in coming forwards. The bad news is it is quite hard to change that in anyone and in some ways, change isn't always a good thing. The good news is that it can be resolved - my OH was of old school, man-has-pride stock and refused to submit to emotions (positive or negative) - he does now but only after I had a massive breakdown.

You need to be able to put your point across and be listened to, even if it isn't always in line with his views. And if you need to apologise (we all do at some point) then he needs to be able to accept it.

Me and my OH row - but mainly it is him trying to protect me or be responsible and me being flippant and harmful to myself. It usually lasts about half an hour and then it's fine again; albeit a bit disruptive.

[Ihavethislittlesister]

thanks.

Re the apology. If I give one, he once says it doesnt make it all ok and cant just pretend said thing hasnt happened...

My point is never listened to, or allowed to be said, he will walk out of room or shout over me.
I know things arent great.

These replies are really helpful. Please keep them coming

[MadameLeBean]

Hmm if he never listens or acknowledges your feelings that not healthy

[MadameLeBean]

My DP can be very stubborn but if I leave him alone he will always come and make up and apologise

[Vivacia]

I wouldn't, couldn't, have that LittleSister. I just couldn't.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

I've been in both kinds of relationship so hope I can provide a helpful view.

We don't ever have rows of the shouting, getting angry type, I don't know if this is a "healthy relationship" thing or just our respective personalities, but we do of course have disagreements.

The first difference is that we can bring it up without the other person feeling like it's an attack on them, so no defensiveness, just openness and concern for what the other person has to say. If it does happen to be something that, e.g. I feel a bit sensitive about, I might feel a bit wobbly and have a little cry. DP always feels bad if this happens . We talk about it, he reassures me that he doesn't want to break up with me, I admit the reason I am so upset about it is because I'm aware it's a problem and we work out a plan together going forward for it to get better, which isn't just me changing things but usually both of us - am just reading this back thinking it sounds really one sided but DP tends to be more "together" whereas I am more emotional and obviously I'm giving you my view - his would probably be different. The crux of it is that we don't just discuss/argue and leave it with bad feeling and nothing solved, we work together to see if we can find a way through it or a compromise that works and then we do it.

This is a really rare occurence, as well - we've been together almost 3 years and I think we've ended up having a talk like this about four times ever.

Normal disagreements about things like where to put stuff, what kind of sofa to buy, we just discuss it with our various reasons/arguments and mutually agree on the best thing.

We don't argue about big topics like how often one person is allowed to go out, drugs/alcohol/smoking, child rearing technique etc because we have similar (or compatible) moral values so we both feel that the same sort of thing is acceptable. This was sort of an accident, so we were lucky, but I really think this is of utmost importance in a relationship now. I don't think you can get past arguments which start as a result of a differing moral view about something.

Also we both support each other and put in what we can, taking what we need, so we don't tend to argue on topics of "You haven't done XYZ" although we sometimes ask the other to do something specific.

Sorry that took me ages to write so probably will have xposted with loads.

[Ihavethislittlesister]

Thanks Yoni. How did you handle it in 'my' type of r'ship?

[tumbletumble]

We rarely argue, but when we do I'm usually the first to apologise. He's a bit rubbish at apologising. He always accepts mine though. Then we'll have a cuddle and make up.

[Ihavethislittlesister]

I think his problem is that he never thinks its his fault. Hence no apology

If he has done something, it will be my fault because of something i've done that has had cause and effect.

Made me laugh the other day (and I nearly did, in his face) when he was going on about me apologising to him for something... I was thinking pot, kettle etc.!

[YoniBottsBumgina]

He was very similar to your bloke. Wouldn't bring anything up. If I brought anything up it would be turned around and all end up being my fault. I would get upset and cry and he would say I was manipulating him by crying, and/or say he didn't know if it could work any more (this may have been a development near the end, I can't remember).

Lots of shouting, shouting over me crying, me trying to get him to hear my side and him just ranting or calling me names.

Occasionally he would bring stuff up and it would all be about how I was so useless - I was useless at housework, I wasn't good enough at magically making the baby not wake up at night and sleep in his own bed, I cuddled him too much. I wasn't up for sex enough (BIG topic) and again it was all about how crap I was, it was never "I've noticed X hasn't been going so well lately, what do you think?" which I get now, it was always you don't do this, you do too much of that.

Normally by the end we would both promise loads of stuff, I'd stick to mine for a bit but get nothing back.

It is crap and soul destroying. You deserve better - anyone does.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

XP never used to apologise either. He wouldn't even apologise for an accident, because an apology is apparently admitting that you meant to do something. But obviously if he had meant to do something, then he wasn't sorry so he wouldn't apologise then either!

[marriedinwhiteisback]

My DH is capable of a 24 hour sulk. He can't keep it up for two nights though - he needs a cuddle and a hug too much. I am usually the one to say sorry if he doesn't need a hug first. Once of twice in 25 years we have had a stand off for more than 24 hours. I understand him - can be sullen and sulky; he understands me - more hot tempered and prone to yelling due to bottled up anguish but I do not nag and he appreciates it is easier to have me let rip every 12-18 months rather than have constant drip, drip nag

[MadameLeBean]

He sounds fucking immature tbh

[BalloonSlayer]

hmm I am not sure all these posts are "normal" relationships.

My DP can be very stubborn but if I leave him alone he will always come and make up and apologise - could be interpreted as "if I sulk and ignore him for long enough he will apologise even if I was in the wrong."

and as for

We rarely argue, but when we do I'm usually the first to apologise. He's a bit rubbish at apologising. He always accepts mine though. Then we'll have a cuddle and make up. So you ALWAYS end up apologising then, do you? And graciously accepting that apology makes him, although he won't apologise to you makes him a good guy, does it?

Surely in a healthy or normal relationship, apologies should be half-and-half, ie the person whose fault the row is shouldn't always be the same one?

I remember hearing a sermon (yes!) years ago where the Vicar said that when there's a fall-out, it's usually the injured party who ends up saying sorry. Ever since then I have noticed that this is very often the case.

[Vivacia]

How are rows resolved in your relationship Balloon?

[MadameLeBean]

Balloon it's not like that. I don't sulk. It takes two to have a row and we each apologise for the part we played. I usually am ready to talk and make up sooner than him though. That's what I meant - I need to give him space for a bit

[Ihavethislittlesister]

thanks all. I am not after the perfect solution to resolving a row...I just want to get idea of how others do it. I can see things arent right for me. I am very interested in reading all these replies.

[Ihavethislittlesister]

Anyone else got a view please?