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DH left for coworker - pain is unbearable

(207 Posts)
Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:08:45

I'm new here and really, really need some advice on how to cope.

My DH left 2 weeks ago when I found out about his affair with his co-worker. For 2 months previous to that it was like he changed overnight from a loving, caring devoted DH to a nasty, violent (to house not to me), verbally abusive stranger. It was like he had no filter and couldn't talk to me nicely even when I begged him to remember who I was as this was so out of character for him.

He became secretive with his phone and came home later and later and I asked him many times if there was someone else. He always said it was all in my head and he would only talk about divorce and selling the house. I put it out of my head as he had always said the thought of infidelity sickens him.

After he had stayed away for a week, I checked his bag and found a diary in there, he had bought one for the OW as well and it was their plan to be together, I was physically sick and even when I confronted him, he denied it. He has since admitted that he is with her and I need to move on. He says he did nothing wrong as he had already told me it was over! I said I am not some gf, I am his wife and it is adultery.

I told him to go and he is now renting a room 40 miles away but I know he spends a lot of time with this OW.

Last year, in the space of 9 months, I had 2 MC at 10 weeks and 3 months. Our niece passed away suddenly at 9 days old and our other niece passed away at 20 months old. On top of this, I was told I was being made redundant and for 3 months thought I'd lose my job until the last minute when I was told my job was available for the short term. I have also been bullied at work by a manager for 7 months. My DH was supportive throughout and always told me to keep it together at work and bring it home to him to talk through. We were each other's strength and we agreed to try once more for a baby.

We've been together 11 years, married for 4 years and were best friends and did everything together. This has shocked everybody who knows us.

I have seen him twice since, the 1st time last Sunday he cried a lot - I still think he's having some kind of breakdown - he's lost so much weight and is having tests for a potentially serious health condition. He said he has to live with the guilt and he knows he's done wrong but we were broken and he couldn't fix it. I saw him briefly yesterday and he was so cold to me again without reason. He continually says "we're over, we're done, get used to it as I'm not coming back". He is so hurtful.

He now wants me to divorce him for adultery as he says he deserves it. I have no intention of divorcing him.

My family and friends are supportive of me but they are worried - and so am I. I have so much pain, both physically and emotionally and to say it hurts is an understatement. I can't eat or sleep and have lost a lot of weight which I couldn't afford to do really, it's not intentional, I just cannot bear to eat properly.

I have seen my GP and for the 1st time in my life am on ADs and am having counselling which isn't really helping. I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate. I feel I am dealing with so much grief and don't know how much more I can cope with.

CupOCoffee Sat 28-Sep-13 19:12:38

I think you should start the process of divorce. You sitting waiting for him to come back won't make him, but moving on with your life and calling the shots (YOU tell HIM that its over and YOU know longer want HIM) might, just might make him realise what he's losing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 19:27:20

This is time to look after yourself and put this cruel, self-centred, arrogant pig of a man under the rock he crawled out of. Stay completely out of contact and don't listen to his insults or crocodile tears. Instead be with people that love and care for you and get the medical and emotional help you need. You have had a huge amount of grief to deal with, he's nothing short of poisonous and I am quite honestly shocked, angered and appalled at his behaviour. He has to live with the guilt??? He wants you to divorce him? Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

MistressDeeCee Sat 28-Sep-13 19:32:08

What an awful, awful story. Your DH is guilt tripping you for HIS wrongs. FWIW I dont think this bodes well for his new relationship, also 2 cheats together is a recipe for disaster but right now..the main thing is you. Forget about divorce at the moment, thats for when you are ready to deal with - in YOUR time, not THEIRS

Is there anybody say a family member or really good friend you can open up to, someone you could cry in front of, just let go? If so, be with that person. You say your family are worried so it sounds like theyre supportive, at least.

If the counselling isnt helping, then give it another couple of weeks and stop if you feel you need to. When my previous relationship broke down, counselling didnt help me..voicing it aloud made me tear up inside. Hypnotherapy did help. No matter how bad you feel, make sure you look after yourself eat sleep etc. Go for walks, whatever you feel, but get out of the house, get some fresh air. Dont keep reminders of him around.

& when you do have to talk to him about sorting matters out then dont be browbeaten. Remain calm and if he is offensive, simply state you wont talk until he stops it. You have to cope, and you will. You say this man was your friend. He was NOT your friend. Friends dont treat each other with such casual cruelty. Bad enough leaving you for another woman, but to compound this with such coldness we were broken and couldn't fix it Im not coming back, get over it etc is beyond unkind. Is this his idea of trying to fix his marriage? Not intimating anything was wrong, and meanwhile sleeping with another woman? Ive not heard of that as a cure for a marriage that may need mending. So disrespectful.

Although I do not think you should immediately push for divorce, I dont think its helpful to be in the mindset of 'Ive no intention of giving him a divorce'. If he doesnt come back then what good will this do for you, really? Any sense of satisfaction you may get from keeping him tied to you in some way and unable to marry this OW (although Id be surprised if that happens) then the bitter taste it will leave in your mouth will blight you. Its not a path to happiness.

In line with CupOCoffee's advice to you tho, being served with divorce papers may give him the shock he needs to really think about what he's done. Even if he does come back the 2 of you would have a hard road to travel in terms of regaining trust and within that, youve got to be heard, and your feelings about this listened to. Its not all about him.

Look after yourself, and be around those who will look after you.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:34:17

I wish I was strong enough to do that at the moment but financially I'm not ready to divorce him under adultery. If I do then it makes no difference to a settlement I get and I would then have to sell the house as part of the divorce.

My solicitor said it's best to work it out financially without going to court but the settlement he's offered me isn't enough to buy another property and I can't afford to rent. He earns a lot of money and I don't even though I work F/T.

He's going to see a solicitor this week and then I will again depending on what he proposes. For now, I just need him to continue paying the mortgage, I pay for everything else anyway.

I am weak at the moment and although this is the ultimate betrayal, I still think he isn't well on top of all this and think he hasn't dealt with our losses. He cries uncontrollably and then goes so cold again.

He said this OW came to him upset as her Dad had died recently and they were comforting each other over their losses. Those babies were our babies and I hate the thought of him finding solace talking to her about it - he should have talked to me - I was always there for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 19:35:34

I'll go to hell for this but I sincerely hope those medical test come back positive for something painful and inconvenient, if not actually fatal.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 19:40:23

I've read some shitty stories on here OP and yours is one of the worst for sheer callousness and manipulation. Crying uncontrollably and he's even trying to blame the OW. He is wrong on so many levels that I think you should take a go-slow approach to the divorce and just look after yourself until you feel stronger. Let him keep coughing up if he feels so guilty.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 19:46:46

FFS he's only been out of the door for 2 weeks. I didn't get divorced until about 4 years after my exH left. We split up the bank accounts and I took on the mortgage and put my name on the bills but it wasn't finalised for a long time. Couldn't face it.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:52:41

CogitoErgoSometimes you are so right.

I think I might join you in hell too as part of me wants the tests to come back as something serious and I hate myself for it as I'm not a bad person. He thinks he has lung cancer as he has a terrible constant pain in his side and a cough like I've never heard before. My GP said it's unlikely he would have it as he's 34 and it's very rare for someone of his age.

One night he suddenly started shouting at me saying I don't care and that he could be seriously ill, I said I was worried and I'd been trying to get him to see dr for 2 months. Then I read in his diary that he had worried the OW with his health and he wasn't happy that he had worried her. He told me I cause his pain as it gets worse when he's round me!

He really did change overnight - he was so loving and caring and then bam!

He originally said he was going to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour. I have been grieving for our lost little ones ffs. I still gave him affection but we were just coping - together - or so I thought.....

I always thought I was 'safe' with him as he had such strong views on infidelity. I just don't know how he can do this to me after everything we've been through.

I told him he was weak and he shouted "don't ever call me weak, I am a strong person".

U2lady1981 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:56:47

Hi, have you got some good friends to help try to take your mind off things a little? Or give you a much needed sounding board? You need to be very kind to yourself and set yourself little goals or things to do that would make you feel happy. Even if you don't feel much pleasure in doing things you used to enjoy at first, this WILL change.
Remember, the way you feel now is the worst you will ever feel and so in a bizarre way, the only way is up and every minute that passes is a minute towards feeling better.
As for the other woman, rest assured that karma is a complete bitch and I can assure you that their getting together will not be plain sailing but ultimately fraught with guilt, mistrust and recriminations. You will in the end event, move on much quicker and be happier and healthier than them in the long term. Trust me.

Zoe6789 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:57:34

I'd divorce him! Not just for infidelity, but for his cruelty, his delusions, his total disregard for your feelings, his attempts to manipulate what comes next.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:59:10

MistressDeeCee - I have one more counselling session left. Yesterday my counsellor just said to me that I'll get better - thanks!!

My family and friends text me and some come round when they can (my family aren't close by). I have cried uncontrollably but I don't think anyone really understands.

My son (he's 20) wants nothing to do with my H and my H said "fine".

My son talks a lot of sense but I try not to worry him too much. He tells me how it is and tells me I look sh*t, then sits there while I eat something. He keeps me going but works away during the week..

I force myself to go out but then I have to get home quickly as I have panic attacks.

I am glad I came on here, I was really at a loss and today I was thinking horrible thoughts I'm ashamed to say

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 20:03:14

Just stay well away from him, stop talking to him and (even though I know your head is buzzing with all the rubbish he's said) stop listening to the POISON he is spouting. He can't rush you into divorce just two weeks after buggering off. If you haven't behaved unreasonably and you don't sign off he can't go ahead with anything at all.

Chest-pains and coughs can be anything.... NOT YOUR PROBLEM any more.

MistressDeeCee Sat 28-Sep-13 20:06:26

CogitoErgoSometimes you are so right 'one of the worst for sheer callousness and manipulation'

OP - he is crying uncontrollably? So what? Is he there for you when youre crying uncontrollably? What does he say when he knows about that, do you tell him? Honest to god, the cheek of some men astounds me. He's run off with another woman, pressuring you to divorce him, the OW is already being regaled with his bad health stories. You say he changed overnight - but, most people dont. Not when theyre adults. Their real character just comes out along the line. I hope Im not sounding bitter but, everybody likes my ExH he's the most charming man you could ever meet - but behind closed doors, the biggest manipulator ever and let me tell you, he hid his emotionally abusive nature from me for years, before going on to cheat with a woman who then cheated on him (ohhhh the pleasure I took in knowing that, & I dont give a shit about gloating smile ).

Your DP is weak - women are to blame for his woes. The OW will get the blame too, later down the line. Oh, and his views on infidelity clearly arent that strong. We are what we do, not what we say.

Please dont give this man credit for who you think he is - see him for who he actually is. Now. An emotional manipulator. & deal with him accordingly. You need to forget about his health etc put yourself 1st or you will flounder. As hard as it is, you arent going to get the 'old him' back even if you do eventually get back together. Whats happened has put paid to that. You do need to take care of yourself as a main focus right now.

U2lady1981 Sat 28-Sep-13 20:08:23

Oh dear, Whatnext074, I have been where you are and it took about 4 weeks of uncontrollable crying, ADs and blaming myself before I began to realise what a complete shit he was. The most helpful thing that I did (and it might work for you) would be to spend time visualising what you want for your life longterm. It will remind you that not every day will be as bad as this one. Maybe write lists of little things to do next that would somehow get you towards a goal of something you want to do. Even if it's as simple as 'go out and get food shopping/new hair cut/drunk with my friend.' It sounds really small and trivial, but giving yourself something to keep you occupied is really helpful for anxiety.

Lavenderhoney Sat 28-Sep-13 20:14:26

I couldn't read and run. Listen to cognito.

Please look after yourself first. You are more important than him. Do things at your own pace.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 20:18:20

MistressDeeCee - I made him sit here last Sunday while I explained exactly how I feel and he cried some more. I told him of the pain I have and how I can't function. That's when he said he has to live with the guilt of what he's done.

Later he text me and told me it will get easier and my pain will go - how dare he, he has no right to give me that reassurance when he's shagging someone else. Who incidentally is older than me. I told him he has no right to say that to me.

U2lady1981 - thank you, I have done some of those things. My friend is colouring my hair on Friday and my other friend has given me a voucher for a free haircut at a posh place.

My friend asked me out tonight but I went shopping for some new clothes that fit and I just looked terrible, haven't been this slim for 15 years and I can't bear to look in the mirror. I got upset again and came home and think it will be a while before I feel 'pretty' enough to face going out socially.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 20:18:54

Thank you Lavenderhoney

TheSydenhamSet Sat 28-Sep-13 20:29:21

I'm so sorry to read this. Your husband has behaved appallingly and I feel so sad for you. I hope you're able to find strength and support from friends and family. Xx

MistressDeeCee Sat 28-Sep-13 20:31:17


Sod the Counsellor
Your friends sound suppportive
Your son sounds lovely smile

As for your DH and his 'it will get easier your pain will go'..he will soon find out that life is not a storybook and not everything may go his way.

Hard as it may be how about cutting off contact with him? If even just for a week? I dont think you can get your head straight with his poor me its all about me attitude..guilt indeed. He's not THAT guilty or he'd find his arse at home with his wife and son!

You probably dont look terrible at all, just feeling a bit rough, thats all. Look out for yourself - after all thats what your DH is doing. Dont let any man send you downhill - ever. You have good friends, and a son who sounds so sensible for his age. Youll get will be a rocky road but youlll walk it smile .

Sit tight and see what happens now. & if you cant face a full on night out then just go somewhere quiet (but not too quiet, you need some atmosphere) where you can chat, with a friend. Your son will be worrying about you inside, dont forget that. So let him see, you are trying to get back to yourself.

Whatnext074 Sat 28-Sep-13 20:36:58

I can't get the thought of them together out of my head, it's tearing me apart. He was still wearing his wedding ring and I told him to take it off, so disrespectful to touch her while wearing his wedding ring!

I know it's not healthy to keep doing that to myself but it is always in my mind. I can't bear to think of him romancing her like he did with me and being so intimate with her when he promised to be with me forever.

I get such pain, my skin feels like it's on fire and although I tell myself not to put myself through it, I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I maybe could deal with it better if it was a fling but he's serious about her and has just discarded me.

I want this to go away and time to speed up so I feel better.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sat 28-Sep-13 20:47:02

I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through over the last 12 months xxx

What helped me when I went through a similar thing with my xh was making myself go through the painful realisation that it was over for good. You will be fine without him.

He sounds like an awful person. You sound lovely. You are making excuses for him regarding a breakdown and he seriously doesn't deserve it.

I found it helpful to remind myself of every bitter painful lie and betrayal. Plus my ex's insults and manipulation to try and blame me before I knew what he was up to. Reminding myself of those things hurt like hell but convinced me I didn't want to be married to someone like that. I then very quickly stopped the habit of still loving him, caring for him, worrying about him. I also accepted I would never get the truth out of him and cut contact for my own sake.

If you take control of the decisions, i think you will soon start to feel better thanks

U2lady1981 Sat 28-Sep-13 20:47:21

Go to your ipod/music collection and find the strongest piece of music that speaks to you about your situation and use that as an anthem to lift you out of thinking about them. Turn it back onto you as how you are a survivor and how this WILL make you stronger. Even if you don't believe/feel it now, keep playing it to yourself and it will become a reality for you x

MistressDeeCee Sat 28-Sep-13 20:48:34

Well, it would be in the back of your mind all the time. Its a massive shock. Its awful to think of him romancing her but even whilst you are thinking it, you have to do things so youre not sitting there torturing yourself. If you do have to think, better its when youve gone for a purposeful walk getting some fresh air, or gym, anything but sit and go over stuff in your head. I know it can be tempting to just hide from the world. I did, for a time. But I couldnt keep doing it as Id have felt, he's to a new life whilst I sit and rot. So, I got up. But not without the help of a good friend who actually listened to me. Time will heal you, but you have to go through the fire 1st unfortunately. Thats the horrible part. Have you thought about hypnotherapy? Maybe read up on it a bit, see if you feel it will help you get over your feelings quicker.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sat 28-Sep-13 20:50:47

bin bagging his belongings from the house and starting to make it mine also helped me

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