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Finding the strength to wave goodbye

(293 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Sat 28-Sep-13 18:50:19

Links to previous threads:

MadeMan Sat 28-Sep-13 18:55:51

Surely you could turn all that into a book and make a fortune.

wavesandsmiles Sat 28-Sep-13 18:59:01

New thread, the old one filled up. And I've been AWOL for about a week, mostly sobbing my heart out. And visiting the fucking STD clinic with my 9 week old baby....

So yes, I was oh so strong through this year, but partly it is because there was a little bit of me hoping that twunt actually loved me, and was just being a cock due to the stress of everything. And I slept with him in July before my little Acrobat arrived, after he swore blind that there was no chance he'd caught anything by sleeping with anyone else. And I have been seeing him a bit since Caspian was born, and sleeping with him like a stupid loved up idiot teenager.

And since Monday I have been in HELL. No exaggeration. Because he decided to tell me "because he wants to make things work, and can't keep the secret any longer", that in June he had unprotected sex with some Latvian girl in the toilets of a nightclub.

So I had to go to the STD clinic because he may have caught something and if he did and gave it to me, then I may have infected my gorgeous little boy. And I went to the clinic with my baby (how fucked up is that? Not something to catalogue amongst baby's firsts) but they couldn't test me because it has to be 10 days since unprotected sex. So we have to go back. And God Help Him if he has given me anything, and he has promised to go and get tested too because Hepatitis can stay hidden for 3 months.

I feel sick and it is my fault for being so ruled by my ill-functioning heart, and so fucking selfish. And he still wants to make things work and I HAVE to end it all now and I have spent the week howling, literally to the point of nearly calling the Samaritans. My appetite has disappeared again, and when my homestart volunteer came in the week I was sobbing on the floor.

Why can't I let him go? How do I find the strength to go?

I don't want to ever have to not be with my baby boy, work excepting. If we split up, I have to accept that I will have to give up my even more precious time with my little angel. I KNOW this is a shit reason for staying with someone. But he is so little and so precious and I want him with me.

I wish someone was here to hold me. Please please please don't tell me I am a stupid idiot because I know that, I have been punishing myself all week, and will be for a very long time. He turned so "nice" again, and I wanted to believe in the old him, the old us. It hurts so much.

Vivacia Sat 28-Sep-13 19:11:20

Could newbies like me have a brief summary?

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sat 28-Sep-13 19:12:49

Oh Waves, you poor thing! I don't have any great advice but I just wanted to say, please don't beat yourself up about any of this!
He's obviously very charming and lovely, when he wants to be. Totally understandable that you'd get confused after having a baby. Really tough - my heart goes out to you.

petalsandstars Sat 28-Sep-13 19:17:09

waves I have lurked on your threads before and you've been through so much and i just want to give you a big hug! It's natural to want the happy ever after with the father of your child but he is the toad not the prince <for want of a better analagy>

Please find and keep hold of your anger at how he has treated you, read your old threads about how he has treated you and your precious dcs and know that the best thing for them is for you to have a happy home, not one where they are second class and walking on eggshells.

<don't mean to sound harsh>

He will never go away unfortunately but you do not need him involved in your personal life, and you deserve so much better than that twunt flowers

wavesandsmiles Sat 28-Sep-13 19:19:12

Vivacia back in January my "D"H said he regretted me getting pregnant etc, when I was 14 weeks pregnant and v ill - I spent most of the pregnancy in hospital with severe hyperemesis. He left the house in March and I had to get lodgers in etc to pay the mortgage, then got made redundant. Basically I found out loads of stuff about him, most recently on Monday, but before that, just after my little boy was born when he left his facebook open sad after being at my house. I have had to cope with all sorts of grief when he was still living here, and all sorts of head games since he left, and all the while having 7 admissions to hospital, and then a PICC line in for months to enable daily IVs and antiemetics because I was so sick.

I got an amazing new job after going through interviews when Caspian was 5 weeks old, and start that in December.

Basically, my twunt is a total cock but amazingly charming. And I NEED the strength to tell him that it is totally over, and stop letting him charm his way back in, and stop thinking I still love him.

mistlethrush Sat 28-Sep-13 19:19:54

Waves, all I can say is I so wish you were on the mainland, then at least one of us would be closer to you to lend a shoulder.

Can you get the job in Scotland instead?

I do hope that this gives you the real impetus to cut the ties.

ofmiceandmen Sat 28-Sep-13 19:23:14


you have such capacity to love by the sounds of it and I wish you would give some of that love back to yourself.
once that happens he will never be able to hurt you again in the same way.

Whatever you decide - him in or out of your life - the only constant is you. So start with that. You

PyroclasticFlo Sat 28-Sep-13 19:41:13

Oh Waves, I did think that your silence this week was a bad sign.

No judgement, just huge hugs.

Treat yourself with love and kindness, and with some respect, my lovely, please.


tribpot Sat 28-Sep-13 19:43:07

But Waves there is no old him, no old us. The old him was a lie. He hasn't become this person, this is who he is.

You have climbed mountains, both before and after Caspian was born. You are staggeringly gifted and yet you can't let yourself believe it, and so you sabotage it with this useless fucker every time it seems like you might be getting away.

I really hope having to take your baby to the clap clinic is your rock bottom. You truly do not deserve this, but no-one will rescue you from it. You have to rescue yourself. Stop punishing yourself - that's just colluding in their lie.

he still wants to make things work

No he doesn't. He never has done. He just wants you broken and beaten down. Stop listening to what he says and start looking at what he does.

PyroclasticFlo Sat 28-Sep-13 19:54:37

Wise words Tribpot

It's not his words that count it's his actions, Waves, every time.

Vivacia Sat 28-Sep-13 20:11:14

Thank you for the summary waves. So, you separated from him back in March and in the meantime you've had tonnes to cope with in terms of ill health and redundancy (and a new born)! In what way is the Ex's charm a problem?

WingDefence Sat 28-Sep-13 20:26:29

Oh arse waves sad I'm not as wise as most of the posters on here but in my eyes, all what twunt has done to you this year are not the actions of someone who loves you and, more importantly to me, not the actions of someone who deserves you.

Caspian doesn't deserve this twat for a father. He's got him as a birth father but don't think he should be his full time dad.

And people won't think you can't keep a partner - if anything they'll think the same of him as he's also had and lost a previous partner with whom he had children. It's not you cake wine

wavesandsmiles Sat 28-Sep-13 20:59:43

Well the children are all sleeping. It is so so hard to explain, and I am obviously still full of hormones! But he really has been so helpful the past few weeks, and tried to explain how things were from his perspective. He wants to spend every spare bit of time with me, and we always had the strongest chemistry. It is still there. And him sending me sweet texts and helping out with things just makes it feel more.

I know I need to not see him now, and I am conscious that my children deserve so much more than this. My 2 older ones had to go to school the other day having witnessed my tears over breakfast, and I feel terrible about that.

I know I can manage by myself. I've more than managed this year and that is amazing as I need to keep reminding myself. And the new job means that financially we will be far far more secure. I don't "need" him at all. But part of me wants him. So I think I need to get on to re reading all my threads and remember that actions mean so much more than words, and more than that, actions in the bad times mean a lot more than actions in the bad times.

I just pray that all he's given me is a beautiful son and a bruised heart. And not some second hand gift following his "affection craving fuck".

I need to get angry.

Vivacia Sat 28-Sep-13 21:04:05

So you split up in March but continued having sex with him, and he's been having sex with other women?

tribpot Sat 28-Sep-13 21:10:48

He wants to spend every spare bit of time with me, and we always had the strongest chemistry

Of course he does - because that's how he maximises the headfuck. He doesn't want you to have time in between encounters to think 'hmm now, is it really reasonable to expect to see it from his perspective when he asked me to abort my child, and abandoned me to an unbelievably difficult pregnancy just because he could?' Like a cult (not actually a typo, although it could be) he wants to imprint you again and make sure you forget what is in your best interest instead of his.

You keep cycling over this behaviour and it's exactly the same every single time. You get angry and it doesn't last. What you need to get is away.

VitoCorleone Sat 28-Sep-13 21:11:39

Ive read bits and pieces of your other threads waves please dont beat yourself up for whats happened, you've just recently had a baby, your hormones will be all over the place.

But i agree that you need to get angry, things feel easier when you're angry and you have lots of reasons to be.

coffeeinbed Sat 28-Sep-13 21:22:28

Waves, you might want to ask to edit the second post.
That name is quite unusual and might out you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 28-Sep-13 22:16:34

Waves, I just knew something was up - actually I knew twunt was around, because you went quiet on us. sad There is no need for any of us to give you a dressing down, you do that to yourself.

There is absolutely no way that twunt is nice to you without a reason and his reason is he needs you. He has you wrapped around his finger and hangs onto your coat tails of success by keeping your heart and head totally fucked over. He needs your house, your cash, your love, your low self esteem.

You on the other hand do not need him for anything.

If ever there was a time to call an end to this sham is NOW. If you let him back into your life you will have miserable children, you will be miserable and you have been doing so well.

While you sleep with him, you maintain an emotional connection. Im so sorry that he has yet again let you down, HIM not you. HE is the one messing around with your head, heart and family. Love yourself more.

mistlethrush Sat 28-Sep-13 22:50:20

Coffee - its been said before - saying again will not create anymore issues, but thank you for your concern.

VIvacia - have a read of some of the other threads

Waves - I agree, you do need to 'get yourself (and your children) away'. Whether this is mentally or you need to take it to a physical stage I don't know.

Bully for him that he was 'stressed' at the 'situation' of having got you pregnant (by agreement). That does not condone looking at information for late abortions or getting his children to be as obnoxious as possible when staying at your house. It also does not condone abandoning his wife who is really (really) ill with his (planned) child. Partners are allowed to be stressed, they are not allowed to be such horrid bullies that don't care a jot for their wife and put their requirements above all other needs.

I really hope that this last indication of how highly twunt held you in regard really does cut the strings.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. If I could I would drive several hours to come and look after your DCs or occupy Caspian, or simply be there to talk to...

Nanny0gg Sat 28-Sep-13 23:48:15

What tribpot said.

Do your RL friends know about this? Can they support you in cutting ties with this pig? (I refuse to call him 'twunt'. It's almost becoming a pet name for him and his behaviour is now beyond contemptible).

You must DS are fine he has still played Russian Roulette with your and your baby's health.

Please don't let him anywhere near you again.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 29-Sep-13 00:00:03

Waves, people don't just sleep together by accident. Over the past few months, you must have been letting situations happen that you know deep down will end up with him charming you into bed. This doesn't have to happen, you can prevent it by walling yourself off, refusing to be in situations with him (eg 'chats' in a home environment) where you know from past experience that your resolve will weaken. Can you do that do you think? Not today or tomorrow, but next week, next month, next year...

clam Sun 29-Sep-13 00:13:51

coffeeinbed Waves has mentioned her ds's name many times already on these threads since he was born.
We all feel we know him well and are honorary god-parents to him!

CoconutRing Sun 29-Sep-13 00:40:20

Hi Waves. I know it's easy for me to say, but don't beat yourself up over sleeping with Twunt. He is a man that you deeply loved. You know that he has lied to you before, so can you be sure that he is not doing it now. This "confession" has come at a time when you are getting your life back together again, and just as before he has come along to sabotage it.

Just my thoughts. Please ignore me if I'm speaking out of turn.

Be kind to yourself.

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