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Did I do the right thing? H's "porn addiction"

(74 Posts)
BasicFish Sat 28-Sep-13 06:28:51

Regular lurker but nc'd as h knows my nickname. We have had problems with him lying before, but this is the final straw.
Found out that, despite always saying he was never interested in porn, never talked about women in front of me etc, that recently he's been watching porn 3 or 4 times a week up to two hours at a time. He works nigjt shifts so home in the day when i am working and our DSs are in childcare.
I found out, we talked about it, he said he was disgusted with himself and would stop. I found out that he hadn't stopped, just tried to hide it better. I found more, we talked, he was disgusted with himself etcetc..

Then last night i found more. At least an hour, more like 2, on 3 out of the 4 days he was alone. I am disgusted with him for what he looked at (upskirt schoolgirls, amongst many others, sick sick sickbastard)

I have confrontedhim, he says he's sick and thinks he has an addiction. That was so unbelievably hard and painful to hea. He has hidden that side of him so well (onlywanted very vanilla sex whereas i wanted more) i am just in shock.
We have only been communicating by text as he is at work. I feel sick, can't sleep. He says it's nothing to do with anything lacking in our sex life, he thinks my body is sexy, he thinks our sex life is amazing.. But he knows this hurts me and our marriage and he won't stop. He think it' addiction, i think he's just a selfish twat and have told him so. I have made it very clear to him how much his lies and disrespect have hurt me and damaged our.marriage. He is apologising, i have told him his "addiction" & lies have killed our marriage. Am i being too cruel?

I have taken down pictures of us together, replaced our wedding photo with a picture of a dinosaur, and prepared a suitcase for him with a note attached asking him to stay somewhere else.

I am just jurt beyond belief at the frequency, his lies, hearing him say he is addicted has just ripped my heart out. I hate him.

Have i done the right thing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 06:33:16

Sounds like you've done the right thing for you. If something your partner is doing is intolerable to you and your partner won't stop doing it then you don't have a lot of choices left. I suspect that the porn use is the straw that broke the camel's back, however. You say he's a liar and I think your relationship has been holed below the water-line since you discovered that. Sorry it's over but good luck

BasicFish Sat 28-Sep-13 06:40:13

Thanks Cog. You've given me advice on him before, he is a frequent liar! So yes, very much the straw that broke the camel's back.
I could copewith the porn actually if it wasn't hoursa time, most days of tje week. Him describing it as an addiction has terrified me though, that sounds not .. normal. He made such a huge speech about being disgusted with himself and how he would stop it straight away as our marriage meant more to him. Clearly that was a massive lie and he had no intention of stopping. That's what has hurt me so much and made me feeli.g like askinghim to leave is all i have left..

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 06:47:11

I thought it wasn't the porn in isolation. The trouble with liars is that you can't believe a word that comes out of their mouths. A 'porn addiction'? I mean... really? hmm What he actually means is 'I enjoy my wank sessions and damned if you're going to stop me but I'll apologise & dress it up as 'an addiction' so that it sounds like I have no choice'.... so he's insulting your intelligence more than anything else.

Him leaving probably is the last option open to you. Nothing stopping you suggesting he goes live somewhere else for a while. Enable you to think about whether you want a liar in your life.

Roshbegosh Sat 28-Sep-13 06:51:27

I think the lies are harder to accept than the addiction though the two things go together. Addictions are so terribly destructive and they become more important than everything else with secrecy, lies, risky behaviour. I think you would have to see evidence of a serious effort to change to be able to stay with him. His word is worth nothing now, don't even listen, you need to see action.

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 06:51:31

After going through porn addiction myself, he needs to wake up and see what he's doing to both your lives. You've done the right thing. I would imagine he'll spend his night shift whenever he can looking too. It's like a weird drug where you look at the clock and wonder where 3 hours have gone. I had a look at how it was effecting my home, Work and social life and cut it down to near nothing.

Hamwidgeandcheps Sat 28-Sep-13 06:55:08

Op you sound incredibly strong. You are doing the right thing. Any chance and he will deceive you and walk all over you hmm

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 06:59:34

Roshbygosh is right you need to see action not words. He'll promise the earth. Block the adult content on your home pc (make sure you choose and enter the password).

BasicFish Sat 28-Sep-13 07:01:34

Exactly. I will never ever know what he's lying about. He says he doesn't masturbate while watching it, ever. hmm that it's not sexier than me. Thats probably all a crock of shit too. And interestingly, thats how i read "addiction" too.

I've told him to fix his addiction or get out of our.lives only to be met by this "but it's unrelated to you, not because you're not sexy" etc with no realisation of how much its the lies and bullshit that are ruining things. I thought the lies before were bad enough, but this is such a shock. I hope i'm not overreacting,

feel sick and shakey and dcs already awakeand jumping all over me. Had a shit week at work and need rest and calm, not fucking emotional trauma. He'll be back home later this mornong, don't know how to deal with him. Doubt i can get him to leave. I just hate him for putting me through this sad

anon2013 Sat 28-Sep-13 07:05:33

He sounds like an addict. Course it effects you! angry . If he doesn't masturbate then I'm the Queen Of Sheba

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 07:06:50

You're going to have to be persistent and repeat 'I want you to leave' until a) you believe it and b) he gets it. Don't engage in 'why' or he'll keep coming back at you with more ridiculous justifications

Roshbegosh Sat 28-Sep-13 07:08:52

Doesn't masturbate while he watches it?? He's treating you like an idiot, sorry. If real life sex is sexier then what is he watching porn for all the time?

BasicFish Sat 28-Sep-13 07:10:27

Loads of x
posts. rosh i agree. His words are pointless. chilled thanks for that perspective. What was your trigger for stopping, if you don't mind me asking?

Unfortunately he is pretty shy and this is not his home country no chance that he'll seek help for his addiction or counselling. So. Game over probably.

I an torn between asking how to block adult content, andraging that i shouldn't have treat him like a child, i shouldn't have topolice him to get him to act like a decent person..

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 07:11:42

Real life sex is better than any pornography. Porn is cheap and easy. Cog is spot on by the way. It needs to hit him what he's doing and how it's effecting you all.

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 07:18:50

It got to the stage where I'd spend all day on my smart phone at work, getting home on a night and then the weekend too. It became a problem when at home I'd lose hours when I'd tell myself I'd just have 30 minutes. I just saw what I was doing to myself and my life and thought enough's enough.

Having every possible fantasy a click away is too easy nowadays.

anon2013 Sat 28-Sep-13 07:37:32

Ask him if he thinks you should ask your friends/family that looking at "upskirt schoolgirls" and if he is right that it "doesn't effect you".

NeedlesCuties Sat 28-Sep-13 07:41:48

You sound like a great, strong woman.

I laughed out loud at the "changed the wedding picture to one of a dinosaur".

You're in for a rough road ahead, but you seem to have a good mind.

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 07:43:21

Why can't he spend mode time with the DC's instead of paying for childcare?. If he's got time for this he's got time for his kids...

BasicFish Sat 28-Sep-13 08:02:58

anon He would die. Yet he still can't seem to control himself. It's slowly sinking in how many lies he has told me throughout our relationship. I thought I knew the worst but I didn't, did I sad

Needles haha, thanks. It did make me feel a lot better!

Chilledguy He works 1 week on, 1 week off, but we can't arrange childcare to cover that, we either need nothing or 100%. I work full time too, so can't do much about it. When I was a sahm he can't have had any time to look as me/kids were always here. It's just since I've gone back to work that everything has escalated horribly. He never disappeared with his phone (barely touches it), came to bed at the same time as me.. it can't have been an "addiction" until a few months ago. Liar.

The only thing that's changed is the time he has alone, and this is what he reverts to. He coped perfectly well for over a year of not looking for hours every other day. What the fuck is wrong with him??

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 08:12:14

He needs to admit he has a problem. He has to it he's going to lose you can't he see that?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 08:15:25

He doesn't have 'a problem'... don't buy his bullshit trying to make it medical. He has a nasty little (new) habit that he enjoys indulging in. You've said 'stop' and he doesn't want to. That's all there is to it.

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 08:24:24

If it's effecting his marriage and home life then I would say it is a problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 08:26:50

Fair enough.. smile Although I don't think he seriously believes anything bad is going to happen to either his marriage or home-life right now. Despite all his pathetic excuses, it's very much 'her problem'

ChilledGuy Sat 28-Sep-13 08:31:05

Exactly right he needs a wake up call.

Dahlen Sat 28-Sep-13 08:34:17

I don't know if he's got an addiction or not, but what he needs to do is unchanged regardless - he needs to stop and to do so in a way that makes it unequivocally clear that he means it and can be trusted. The onus is on him to demonstrate that, not you to trust him.

And while I don't want to distract from what is obviously a gut-wrenching time for you, I had to chuckle at replacing the wedding photo with a picture of a dinosaur. With a sense of humour like that, I'm pretty sure that whatever happens you'll come out of this fine. Good luck. smile

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