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Elderly father, estranged relatives, ex husband, pregnancy and Facebook

(20 Posts)
Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 13:41:28

Ok, so this might be long, but I need some advice please.

Oh, and this isn't an 'omg, facebook' thing - I am not even on it, I think it's all a bit daft!

I am 15 weeks pregnant with my second child. This child is from a new marriage and my first child is a lot older. Only dh and my PIL know at the moment.

I have three older half sisters who, to be frank, were pretty toxic while I was growing up and were pretty uncaring and generally nasty after my mother died when I was 10 (they were in their late 20's at the time). There are other issues too, but to cut it short, I cut them from my life ten years ago and have never looked back. I will never be in touch with them again.

My father, however, although 80 is an avid facebook user and has them as friends, despite them ignoring him for years (their real father was abusive to them and my mother, my mother left him and when she met my father he brought them all up and did everything for them).

He is also 'friends' on facebook with my ex husband, who was also abusive. I spared my dad details of the abuse so as not to hurt him. When I finally left, ex h turned my father against me by lying that he's left me as I'd had affairs. We have never been the same since, and I will never forgive him for believing ex over me. They talked about me behind my back, my father would tell me this, it hurt me so much.

As far as I know, my half sisters do not know that I left ex or that I am remarried. Like I said, they pretty much ignore my dad. I don't want them to know anything about my life.

I don't want them to know about my new pregnancy. I don't want my ex husband to know yet either. The only reason I am holding off on telling my ds is that he will tell his father. My life will then be made hell with long rambling emails about how it will effect ds, what he can do to help etc - which I know to some might sound good, but he is the one who has an appalling relationship with ds, he puts his new wife and her children above him all the time (he has even told ds that they come first in his life) so it's all just rubbish but will cause me stress.

Ds will be over the moon about the baby, he and my dh have a wonderfully close relationship and we are a strong family unit, but ex will, as he always does, stick his nose in and make things stressful. To add a bit of background, we moved house last year. Ex h set up a meeting, behind my back, with ds school to discuss the implications of a house move emotionally on ds and if he would need counselling. We were moving two roads away and ds was staying at the same school. The head then called me in to say how bizarre she found it all. It was really odd. If he's like that with a house move, christ knows what his perceived problems surrounding my much planned for and happy pregnancy will be.

So, my I know my father will put things about the baby on Facebook when he knows about the pregnancy/the baby is born.

I don't want my ex finding out before I am ready and I certainly don't want my half sisters to know.

To be honest, I don't really trust my father not to talk to these people about me behind my back anyway, he has done in the past, so maybe they already know more about me (my father told my ex that dh and I were engaged the day we were going to tell ds in the evening, despite us asking him not to say anything to anyone, so I don't trust him, sadly).

My father likes to play the doddering old man card whenever he is pulled up on anything, he's far from it, so it's infuriating. I have asked him not to put things on facebook before, yet I know he put up my wedding photo, and then he insists that my half sisters do not know I have remarried, then says he can't remember doing it, he's old and doesn't know how these things work (which is not true).

It's a mess and is making what should be a very happy time stressful.

brass Fri 27-Sep-13 14:16:15

you will never get through to him. Limit the amount of information he actually gets so he can't put it on FB.

That's all I can suggest. If he doesn't know he can't share.

Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 14:21:49

Which is why we haven't told him about my pregnancy yet.

But when he does know, that's what I am worried about really.

I wish things were simpler. I am longing to tell my ds about the baby, he will be thrilled, but then ex will make things stressful. ds is ten, so I can't tell him not to tell his father.

I really hate this, but I really wish I could trust my own father to be on my side and not talk behind my back, it makes me sad.

brass Fri 27-Sep-13 14:31:19

I would think of it as an 80 year old who lacks judgement. It is an 'age' and they do forget how precious some things are or some things just don't register as they would talking to someone younger. I really believe this.

My own parents - lovely - but god awful decisions get made. I've stopped trying to reason with any of it.

Keep the news to yourselves for as long as possible.

frogslegs35 Fri 27-Sep-13 14:53:54

Unfortunately it sounds like you won't be able to stop your DF from 'sharing' info on FB - only by stringing out the actual informing him, you might prolong others finding out.
I wouldn't be happy in your position, if you wanted anything broadcast over FB then I assume you'd open an account and do it yourself.

Your ex sounds like a dick! Ignore, Ignore, Ignore (easier said than done, I know) but it's got absolutely, 100% NOTHING to do with him.
Tell your Ds in your own time, just make sure he doesn't hear 2nd hand though and try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy feck em all
Congratulations btw thanks

Nerfmother Fri 27-Sep-13 15:01:34

Tell your ds - you don't want anyone noticing your bump and congratulating him or asking him.
If your ex finds out, what will he do? Tell the school your news so they can expect to have to have a meeting, and block his emails. Or email him yourself. The baby will eventually be public knowledge so you might as well plan for it.
As for your sisters I can't really see why you care if they know. You don't see them or speak to them.

gigglestar Fri 27-Sep-13 15:27:32

If you know you cannot trust your father re keeping this info to himself then you just don't tell him - SIMPLES!

Why are you creating extra stress for yourself? Stick him on the "Restricted" list on FB (if you INSIST on having a half assed relationship with someone you don't trust, who you feel has betrayed you and let you down numerous times and who you KNOW does not respect your feelings?) That way he can only see info you choose to make public. If he asks why-tell him straight that you don't want him passing on info about your private life to your exh etc.

as for the exh - he doesn't need to know either. Let him find out naturally when your ds mentions it. When he comes to you about it - tell him it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS and that your ds will not be affected any differently by having this sibling than he would have been had you stayed with exh and had another dc with him. Then refuse to discuss it with him any longer.

They will never change. Accept that, set your boundaries and enjoy your pregnancy :-)

PlatinumStart Fri 27-Sep-13 15:39:52

You cannot control what other people say about you so try not to think about it.

What is the worst that can happen? Really? Your half sisters might access some info about you...but then what? Your ex might act like a dick but again so what? It sounds like people that matter have the measure of him.

Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 15:59:29

I'm not on facebook, nor is DH so it's not a problem what we put on there etc.

I don't want my half sisters knowing as I have so much anger towards them. I never want them in my life and I hate the thought of them knowing anything about it. I don't want them trying to contact me.

A comment about my father from them was actually the final straw in my relationship with them. One of them told me about ten years ago that the only reason they keep in contact with him was that so they can go after money when he dies. They think they are entitled to his money as he was married to their mother. My mum died when I was ten, they didn't have any money. My dad gave them everything of hers, all her expensive jewelly etc, so there is nothing left. He's living off state pension, he has nothing to leave anyone.

The ex really is a nasty piece of work though. When I married dh, I got a typed TWELVE A4 double sided letter about how it would effect ds if we had anymore children, how the upcoming marriage would effect him, his strategies on how to deal with any insecurities. Ds was fine. No problems at all.

I just know that ex will do the same again, try and say it's for the best ds stays with him when its born etc.

The irony is it's all in his head and its actually his situation with his new partner and her children that ds has issues with - feeling pushed out and isolated etc. In our family unit he is happy and secure. Believe me, I could write him a huge long letter about how ds feels about him, but I won't.

I will try and relax about my half sisters. I'll deal with ex when it comes to it.

I am just sad that I can't trust my dad.

Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 16:01:14

It's not so much my dads age, he has always been like this.

He likes to gossip. Always wants the person he's talking to to think he's on their side if you see what I mean and he likes to make people feel sorry for him too.

Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 16:06:04

And for what it's worth, I wouldn't have a relationship with my father if it wasn't for guilt. He was abusive towards me as a little girl and was very inappropriate with me.

There is no other family, just me and him. Without me, he would have no one, he often talks about suicide as it is (although, he has a daughter who has not spoken to him since she was 18, she would be in her 60's now. I once found a letter when we were moving house from her asking him why he had done certain things to her as a child and how it had affected her life. I was too shocked to take in the full details, but it sounded like he was with her like he was with me and she cut him out).

frogslegs35 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:23:10

Sweety you shouldn't be forced by guilt to have a relationship with anyone that you don't want to have one with nor anyone who doesn't deserve you to.
Have you seriously thought about cutting him out of your life before?
Have you had any counselling for the abuse from your childhood?
He's using the threat of suicide to keep you tied to him and from what you've said (and what I interpret it to mean sad ) you don't owe him anything.

You sound so stressed about your ex.

*it's for the best ds stays with him when its born etc*
Ha! tell him to fuck the fuck off - wild horses won't keep your Ds away from his tiny db/ds (possibly for a night or two if said DbabyS/DbabyB keeps him awake smile )
Honestly- simply tell him you understand that he may be concerned about his son but there's no reason to be. If he persists threaten him with the police/solicitor to keep him and his bullshit away from you.

waltermittymissus Fri 27-Sep-13 18:35:41

Oh my God Liv! Based on your last post this is way, way bigger than your ex or your half sisters.

What if you have a little girl?

MimiSunshine Fri 27-Sep-13 19:12:55

Ok, just don't announce it to your dad. How often do you see him? If its not that often, just wait until either you see him and it's obvious or after the baby's born. Although TBH I'd just take a deep breath and cut him off, it doesn't have to be dramatic, just stop contacting him.
What benefit do you get out of being in touch with him, nothing but a lot of stress it seems like.

As for the ex, forget him, tell your DS, tell him now while its still new news.

It sounds like you get very stressed about people you don't want anything to do with knowing anything about you. You can't control that, you can't control people talking. What you can do is control what the people you talk to know. So don't tell your dad but do tell your ex (after your son), not in a way that makes it n announcement to him, just in a "oh by the way..." If you control when he finds out, you are prepared for dealing with his reaction rather than waiting for it.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:22:58

I would ignore everybody else and just focus on the ds and dad issue.

Did you ex send you a massive long email when his wife was expecting or take any steps to converse about impact on ds with the school or you?

Liv24 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:34:47

My father expects weekly phone calls and comes to stay for the weekend every 5 weeks or so. He is moving near here soon too.

To the outside he's he perfect father, doting grandad, giving us money etc. he makes me out to be the ungreatful daughter as I don't phone him everyday and fall over myself to look after him.

He is NEVER alone with my son. Ever. Nor will he be with my baby.

As for my ex.....he thinks that he is far superior to me, the perfect parent and his new wife has the same attitude, that dh and I are dragging ds up. It's all rubbish. My ex is seriously deluded, he upsets ds all the time but is too stupid to see how his actions effect him.

Ds comes first to me and dh. We would never let himbe upset, we all havea good relationship and can talk about anything with him.

BillyBanter Fri 27-Sep-13 19:37:28

Not sure what to advise except tell the HT at the school before you tell your ex so she can prepare herself for more oddness.

Whatever point your ex finds out he will react how he reacts. Does it make a difference whether he finds out now or in a few months?

Don't read your ex's witterings.

waltermittymissus Fri 27-Sep-13 19:45:21

Does your dh know about your history with your father?

frogslegs35 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:55:55

What your F expects and what you feel able (or feel forced) to offer are 2 very different things.
Now's probably not the time as you don't really need any more stress than you have already, but would a not so gentle reminder to him that *you remember* your childhood, not spark some kind of guilt/ fear =backing off. (I've done this myself and it worked)

*he makes me out to be the ungreatful daughter*

Let him, it really doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks about you as you know the truth, (inc the ex). What's important is YOU and YOUR little family.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 27-Sep-13 20:04:24

Liv, have you had any kind of counselling for your childhood?

I think you might benefit from it.

As for your ex, throw any letter he sends in the bin, check emails once a week, if they start ranty hit delete, do not read them thro.

A good suggestion below to warn the school as well to prepare them for your ex's insanity when he finds out!

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