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Need some serious advice(58 Posts)
Ok...So first of all I am Asian and our values are different than the western way (in no way superior or inferior).
I am 24 and never had a gf (Not due to lack of opportunities). I have known a girl from a year or so who's been in 1 relationship for 2 years. After the relationship broke off,she has had casual intimacy(everything except sex) with a very good friend of hers. She tells me she is a virgin and has not gone too far even when both the guys pressurized her and she is completely honest with me.(This is something I really respect). I am also a virgin so no double standards here.
Here are the problems :
1) She got used by her first bf who lured her into marrying her when he just wanted to have it with her. She still has some feelings for her. Do women really get over their first love/first kiss and stuff ? She still remembers poems and stuff he used to write for her which I find pretty immature.
2) I really have a problem with the second guy. The fact that she had some intimate time with him when she knew they don't have a future eats me up. How can she be so casual. She tells that he initiated every time which I don't believe completely. This second guy also made all their stuff public.
3) She is completely honest and transparent with me and regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes. She did have a lot of growing up to do but I cant just forgive her for being immature. I know what she's done before has nothing to do with me,but she is very much emotionally attached to the second guy who was kind of a rebound guy for her. She also once told she remembers all the good time she has spent with this second guy which means this second guy really rocked her life for a year or so.
4) I have heard the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases. Will she ever be emotionally attached to me and get over all the physical and emotional stuff ? I have all the confidence in the world to rock her world but after every few weeks,I break down as all the mental pictures eat me up.
I don't want to let go off this otherwise wonderful relationship and an honest girl for my own dogmas of life. I know she is kind hearted and brave enough to tell me everything honestly.
A father of a daughter not much younger than your GF writes: If you were my daughter's BF, about now, you and I would be having a chat. Actually, I'd be doing the talking, you'd be listening. And nodding furiously.
Please leave this girl alone. You both have different morals and if you get together you are both going to end up extremely miserable together. The fact that you can't accept her past and make her feel guilty for it will slowly erode her self worth. And the fact that you get upset with her past means that it will over time slowly eat away at you. If you want a virgin then stick to that, don't get with her. Look at the problems you have already and you are not even married or have children.
Why has OP not come back? I guess the earlier posters were right, this is a wind 'em up thread.
Which failed to wind us up... <high fives the viperarchy>
I am sorry to say this but MY WORD....I feel sorry for this poor girl. She has had 2 guys who she has been intimate and shared a connection with and she previously didn't feel any need to feel shamed about it....until YOU made her feel that way!
At 24 I can tell you I had done a lot more than that and do not now or ever feel ashamed of it and nor would I let anybody else tell me otherwise. She had done nothing wrong.
Also I can tell you this....whilst those relationships she had did not work out she does still have fond memories from both, and why not! You don't forget all about a lovely holiday or day out at the beach and say it was terrible just because it rained at the end do you??
If you continue to make her feel shame about her previous actions (which have nothing to do with you and is frankly none of you business) and relationships you will be destroying her self esteem. She will withdraw from the world and she will withdraw from you! I'm guessing that your motivation is withdraw her away from other men, and see to it that she thinks of you as some kind of master (if not then blow me down because that is exactly how your post comes across). You may achieve some small success in this regard over time, but as she withdraws you know what you will be doing??? you will be making the men that were there before you seem like price charmings!! Why....because I bet they didn't try to make her feel utterly awful about choices she made, didn't try and change her moral standings, didn't emotionally abuse her.....yes that's right emotionally abuse her!!!
Emotional abuse is right where you are heading, this is how it starts...you telling her what she did was wrong, and making her feel bad about herself, eroding her self confidence. You will tell yourself and her that you are doing it because you love her and because you can't stand the fact that you feel these other men had taken advantage of her and only wanted her for her body etc etc. This is bollocks!!!, what you can't stand is the fact that she was intimate with someone before you, that she enjoyed herself that way before you, that maybe when you get around to being that intimate with her, you won't or might not measure up to the men she had before....that you might not be as good, and you will make it all her fault!!! You will punish her for your own insecurities, you will control her, you will be paranoid and posessive of her.
My post may sound incredibly harsh, but please really think about what I have said and assess why you really feel the way you feel. She has done nothing wrong, nothing at all. Her past is making YOU feel bad and you have to work out why that is, because the problem here is not her its very much YOU! You need to work on yourself, your self esteem and self confidence, and learning to understand that everyone you meet has a past, past relationships, past habits and past loves....that is life.
If you want to have a successful non abusive relationship with this lady or indeed any lady in the future, than you need to look to yourself and work through your own issues first, because you do have issues that need addressing.
I think it boils down to your insecurities and jealousies. You also seem to think you are entitled to make pretty big judgements about others and instead should look at yourself. How can you be a better person? How can you create the future you want with the people you want? I promise you childish jealous behaviour will drive her away. Jealousy is not an attractive quality.
You need to be a level headed man. You need to show maturity - not looking down your nose at her but looking forward to the future and building a good relationship. Being positive. After all if she loves you, she will stay with you.
But also she actually hasn't had a proper fully involved long term relationship with those two men, only a light bit of romance - which is healthy and normal for a young woman. She is obviously the opposite of a mass serial seducer.
I agree that her past relationships are non of your business. Why should she feel shame for a small amount if romance? You will drive her away with your immature behaviour.
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