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How to move on when its over

(79 Posts)
FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 07:18:46

Me and my OH have been having a lot if problems and we split up far few weeks ago but got back together quickly but spoke about what we both needed to change and how we knew it wouldn't happen over night but we had to work at it and now a few weeks later its over for good. I'm scared, I'm devastated, I love him. We've had bad times this last year but we've had alot of good times. I can't ge my head around he's not going to be here anymore and they'll be no more cuddling, kisses, laughing and being able to phone for a chat. He was my best friend! How do I deal with this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 07:28:52

Sorry it's come to an end but you didn't sound well-matched from the pencil sketch you've given. If a relationship has to be worked at and the people in it have to change then it's pretty dead.

I don't know how long you were together or how serious the relationship was but, if you're used to doing everything as a couple, being independent does come as a shock at first. There will be an OH-shaped hole in your life for a while and there's no real getting away from that. Do you have DCs together or is there no reason to ever be in touch again?

Best advice really is to find other things to do. Be with (real) friends, keep yourself very busy and make some plans for the future so that you have things to look forward to. Don't sit home waiting for texts that never come and don't be tempted to call him. Chin up..

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 07:32:04

Thanks, we've been together 6 years and have 1 DC together. It's the last year that's been bad. Before that very thing was great and we had an ideal relationship. We have a lot of time without each other, I'm a SAHM and he works long hour but I know I can phone him for a chat or he's coming home and we'll cuddle and talk. I feel like there's a hole already and he's still in the house

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 07:41:27

He has to leave I'm afraid. It's bad enough grieving for the end of a relationship and the feelings of rejection that go with it. It's intolerable having the very person who has rejected you and withdrawn their affection staring you in the face every day. You end up 'on hold' .. torn between needing to grieve, wanting to move on and hoping it can all get patched up. So take control & tell him to go. You'll feel worse short-term, but you'll be able to start living again. Good luck

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 07:47:02

He said he needs some time to sort things out before he leaves. My head is so messed up, I want to sit and cry but I can't do that hmm

herald Fri 27-Sep-13 07:48:41

This has recently happened to me and you are right it does feel like part of your life is missing, and it is . The way I find best to deal with it is to have as little contact with the OH as possible, you will need to have contact for the DC but apart from that try to put a bit of distance between both of you. And yes he needs to move out to help you deal with it.

herald Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:33

It sounds like he doesn't want to leave and maybe feels it can be patched up again

HorizontalRunningOnly Fri 27-Sep-13 07:49:59

This is me too! Me and my dp of 5 years ended things this month and he's now at a friends. We have a 2 yr old ds. I know what u mean about the hole in life, I feel gutted and heartbroken but also betrayed by him as he didn't put me before his mate which is why it had ended. Good advice tho I need to follow it too!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 07:59:00

'He needs'? Why do his needs trump yours? Who instigated the initial separation? Who instigated the latest split? Who was the one that decided nothing was going to change? I don't think it was you.... He appears to be quite casual about this whereas you're breaking your heart.

Get him out

herald Fri 27-Sep-13 07:59:55

It's all about time it gets better as the weeks go on, their will always be days or weeks when you will feel like its all bad but then you will have a great day and realise it is all worth it .

Good luck and be strong, the ladies (and a few of us men) on here will give you great advise and support as they are doing with me.

therewearethen Fri 27-Sep-13 08:05:16

Me to, my now ex DP moves out tomorrow sad

Thanks to the advice on here, I've made plans. I'm one of those people who has to have routine, so I've planned getting the DC ready for school etc down to the last minute!

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 08:10:23

He ended it and he wouldn't try. Says in his head its over but 3 days ago he was telling me that he had no intention of ended things and e loves me and wants todo whatever to make us work then the night before he ended it we went out of ether without DD had a great time together then 12 hours later its over

HorizontalRunningOnly Fri 27-Sep-13 08:11:25

Blimey September is the month for being left by our 'd'ps isn't it. I had a huge cry last night all triggered by him dropping of our ds jacket that he had forgotten a less than one min slight doorstep chat had me bawling for a good half hour after just because he was chatty and nice and my brain forgets all the reasons we aren't together and i was heartbroken all over again!! Hope it gets better, he deffo needs to move out and make sure all his stuff is gone or boxed up, I could bare seeing his things once he'd gone

HorizontalRunningOnly Fri 27-Sep-13 08:16:20

Far - that is so similar to me too! Three weeks ago on sunday he's saying he loves me will do what he can to fix what he's done wrong doesnt want to leave loves me etc. row monday night he won't upset his mate and pretty much chooses him over me and doesn't doesnt come home!! He's since returned for his stuff only and to see ds but now says doesnt love me and I have a nasty streak and say horrible things to him!

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 09:04:38

Horizontal how you doing 3 weeks later? It's just a huge head fuck! Ge left the house this morning and was abit shocked when I said its going to hurt to much for him to stay here and he just walked out without saying anything. I doubt ill hear from him but he did say that he wants the pictures of us together that I was taking down of the walls, why does he want pictures to remind him when he's finished it all. I just don't understand

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 09:13:23

Do think there is someone else? This hot/cold to-ing and fro-ing business makes it sound like he's been trying to decide which way to jump for a while and that often involves choosing between the existing partner and someone new. I've no idea why he'd want pictures of the two of you together except for some kind of sentimental self-torturing exercise. hmm It's more common for the exiting partner to try to pretend things were never right.

I'm glad he was a bit shocked when you told him to move out. Reality has to start biting him...

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 09:34:33

I would have said no thereis no one else but a few people have been asking so it makes you think but I'm not sure. I would have said he's not that type of person but I would have said he isn't capable of e way he's behaved over the last 10 months

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 09:46:01

We have an amazing hoilday booked in just over a months time and he wants to cancel it sad I want to go and just get away from for a while and have a break and a rest

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 09:46:20

No-one (myself included) think their partner is 'the type'... but, sadly, big switches in personality followed by confused messages about not being sure about whether they love you or not are very common precursors to finding out that you've been replaced.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Sep-13 11:02:45

Cogito has it bang to rights (I think) AGAIN.
Sounds like another woman to me as well.
It was perfect before. The last year has been hard.
Don't be surprised when there is a GF on the scene very soon after he leaves.
The script has begun.
And believe me - mine wasn't the 'type' either but after 15 years of marriage - turns out - yes he was!
Get him out - pack his bags now and tell him he has to leave as you need the space and having him there is not working for you!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Sep-13 11:08:20

Well if you want to go on the holiday then go own your own with DC if it was planned as family.
You'll probably get very little back from the booking so make the most of it.
Get away and relax and enjoy it!
Ignore what he says. It's booked - you wanna go - you damn well go!

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 12:56:39

He won't let me go with DD said that if he can't get the money back his mate will give it him and change the booking names. He's just told me I have to get out of the house, his parents own it and said they will outthe rent up so I can't live there anymore

Mosman Fri 27-Sep-13 14:43:29

Is he shagging this mate ? Stranger things have happened

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 15:04:46

His mate is going to go on our holiday with his OH and XP won't be going.

I'm so confused. I can't get my head straight

Chyochan Fri 27-Sep-13 15:32:59

Where does he think you and your (and his) child will go? This sounds bizare. Can you speak to his parents?

My ex did lots of confusing things, one minuite telling me he loved me, the next he wanted to be alone. I never found out why he ended it.

It is a real head fuck.

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