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Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

(111 Posts)
OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 08:49:06

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now hmm

LeGavrOrf Thu 26-Sep-13 12:24:36

Yes. Right back atcha, motherfucker. grin

OrmirianResurgam Thu 26-Sep-13 12:25:35

Oh I still love him. A great deal. But I'm not in love with him. That feeling has come and gone over the years as I beleive is normal. But it's gone now..for good I suspect.

worsestershiresauce Thu 26-Sep-13 12:40:16

orm be careful. I think you are still in love with him, but are a little high on the power you now have in the relationship. He gave her up for you. He says he didn't love her. He wants you. So you're saying hey well I'm here, but you know what, I'm not in love with you sucker so look out.

Either invest, or ship out. Don't mess with your head or his head. It's called playing with fire and you'll get hurt.

I mean this kindly. I'm more or less exactly the same period on from discovery as you. I totally understand the emotional roller coaster.

MissStrawberry Thu 26-Sep-13 13:37:08

Is that what you are happy to settle for the rest of your life though, Orm?

Wouldn't you like the chance to be in love again?

It may be that some people fall in and out of love for their spouses but still love them but really I would say it is incredibly hard to get that feeling back when they have trampled all over you so harshly and then just brazenly, calmly, without inhibition and thought they tell you I didn't love the woman I fucked you and the kids over for after all.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 26-Sep-13 13:59:22

"Wouldn't you like the chance to be in love again? "

I don't know. I haven't felt that gut churning, high as a kite feeling for anyone for so long so I guess I can live without it. Perhaps we just have different ideas of 'being in love'.

Snugglepiggy Thu 26-Sep-13 17:31:39

3 years on for me ORM and everything you say speaks volumes to me.And reading your posts last year my situation was less messy in a way because once found out DH didn't mess me around to the extent yours did,and he didn't tell the OW he loved her.Don't think for a minute he did,just having a massive MLC and enjoying having his ego stroked.
Like you life goes on and I the main is good.We make a great team practically ,which is just as well as we work together.Or sex life is good.Always was,and he agrees.Although our DCs are grown up we are a close loving family and we see them lots.We have a laugh.We have great friends.But.Oh yes but.Like you I love him and care about him.But something inside me died,and that semi detached ,numb feeling sadly remains a lot of the time.I miss feeling totally in love with him.I get odd glimmers of it coming back and Im not going anywhere any day soon.
But I just miss it.All the best to you.

MissStrawberry Thu 26-Sep-13 19:20:36

We can all live without lots of things but choose not too because they add to our life.

I feel you are in a kind of shock and fog and maybe aren't thinking clearly.

He sounds like a knob who doesn't deserve you.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 26-Sep-13 19:38:17

Snuggle - your situation sounds like mine, except I would say the love I have for my DH has been changed by loss of innocence and blind trust.

Op, all the best from here too.

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 19:44:58

Oh orm.
What a sad situation.
You so deserve to fall head over heels for someone and feel something again.

Boosterseat Thu 26-Sep-13 20:39:48

Orm please back away from the websites!!!

Its the easy route to blame the other person, introspection and personal development are traits of strong, capable individuals like yourself not the selfish,cheating "woe is me" twunts posting crap on those boards.

A child is your dependant, not your partner. The clue is in the name. Partners want to encourage, enjoy and develop. Parasites feed off a host.

Love for me ORM is passion,admiration and respect. You are strong and you are worthy,you should expect all 3.


Oblomov Thu 26-Sep-13 20:51:45

My post diss appeared. Was thinking about you Orm. Then, suddenly , your thread was there.
So glad you are feeling better.
But all sorts of things just don't seem quite right.
But then, you know that, don't you?

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