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Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

(111 Posts)
OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 08:49:06

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now hmm

Offred Wed 25-Sep-13 10:39:08

Orm, I have felt all along, and still do feel that staying with him was a mistake for you.

Offred Wed 25-Sep-13 10:40:57

I'm glad to hear you've built up your confidence inspite of him though.

Cabrinha Wed 25-Sep-13 10:42:58


Cabrinha Wed 25-Sep-13 10:44:52


OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 10:46:29


Yes he smokes maypole. Oh good lord sad

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 25-Sep-13 10:46:53

I have no patience either so would respond in a similar way. I seem to remember you having some issues and I wonder if he felt it was taking attention away from him and that he was no longer the centre of attention?

Why are you not sharing your feelings with him? Do you generally talk to him much about your feelings?

HerdyHerdwick Wed 25-Sep-13 10:47:47

Orm, I remember your initial thread. It's good to read that you're not feeling out of control, scared or overwhelmed any longer. You've absolutely been the wringer with this, with his initial denial and minimising (par for the course,as we know) and then the further revelations etc. I remember your post from a holiday about a year ago and you sounded terribly sad but stoical then. A year on you sound so much better. I'm glad about that.

Orm, I admire you. It's so easy for us all to sit behind a screen and yell LTB, but this is your life. And I get that it is never that simple. Sometimes, it's a process. I hope that whatever you decide to do in the future, that you put your happiness and self contentment first. I hope that your H does spend the rest of his life trying to be a better partner, but if he doesn't...I think you'll be ok without him. I really do.

Wellwobbly Wed 25-Sep-13 10:53:02

mysterious shoulder pain also = heart attack.

Please make him go and have a full check up.

Wellwobbly Wed 25-Sep-13 10:54:06

I don't know, I think Orm has shown a lot of strength and grace, more than I have shown.

I admire her.

HerdyHerdwick Wed 25-Sep-13 10:57:20

been "through" the wringer, of course, is what I meant.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 11:00:19

He has been to the GP already wellwobbly but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try again. Thankyou

madchoc - I do talk about my feelings but TBH I have talked about them so much it's getting boring! To me as well as to him. I blurt everything out. He tends to think and think and then say something. He finds it hard to talk about his - which is why the 'I didn't really love her' comment was such a surprise.

I could say 'I am not sure whether we'll be together in a years time' and he'd pause, think and then say 'what do you mean?' and then I'd repeat it and he'd say 'what is that you want to do?'. Arrggghhhhhh! If I kicked him out today he'd just go without argument and then slowly drink himself to death or lose his job or get in fights. He makes no bones about the fact he's collapse without me - funny way of showing that he needs me though, to have an affair hmm

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 11:02:48

" Your posts often betrayed a stance of being terribly taken for granted,"

LOL dahlen! Yes I make damned good martyr grin My fault entirely. I am a coper, a filler in of gaps, a fixer. I don't have to be. I choose to. It's one of the things I am working really hard at not being.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 11:03:01

He makes no bones about the fact he'd collapse without me

So a 50 year old man who could get it together enough to cheat and lie about it says he wouldn't cope without you? Yeah, nice one hmm

edam Wed 25-Sep-13 11:03:18

I'm glad you are feeling strong and confident.

Lweji Wed 25-Sep-13 11:09:18

He makes no bones about the fact he's collapse without me

Please do not make his emotional blackmail cloud your judgement.
He is not your responsibility.

Do what is best for you.

although emotional blackmail would put me off the man and would make me lose all respect

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 11:09:49

I am really glad you feel stronger than you did last year (fuck, can't believe that it has been over a year). You were SO heartbroken last year. Your pain was tangible through all your threads.

One thing thing though that you said on a thread last week or so. Saying that you still get angry, however you don't express it to DP as there is. I point, sours things etc. Instead you channel that anger into exercise or you go out until you calm down.

I reckon you shouldn't feel that you have to dampen down that anger. It is fully justified and why should he feel that you are having to deny your emotions in order to keep the status quo? I know it is easier to do that (god knows I don't take my own advice, I would never confront but would fester quietly with fury) but fuck it. Let him KNOW that you are still furious with what he did, with what he said.

What does he think he is doing telling you that he didn't love her anyway? After all the terrible pain he caused, does he now expect you to shrug your shoulders and say 'oh it all came out in the wash' like some ridiculous plot in a soap opera. He needs to recognise what he has done. Just because you have been a bloody Champion all throughout and have been stoical, doesn't mean that he should get away without realising that still one year on, you are still having to deal emotionally with the fallout of his behaviour.

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 11:11:02

I agree with others, I really admire you. I admired you last year and I still do now.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 11:11:33

I actually think it's very cruel of him to come out with that after all this turmoil you've gone through. It really was throwing it all away for nothing.

PPPpickUPaPenguin Wed 25-Sep-13 11:17:17

I feel sorry for you OP, more sorry for you that you stayed with him after it all. You could have had a lovely time finding yourself and making a new life/home for yourself.

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 11:18:06

I think it is thoughtless and completely stupid at best to tell you, spiteful and 'it's all about meeeeee'at worst.

Can I come to your house and give him a damn good shake orm?

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 11:18:13

Thanks orc, exactly! I'd almost rather he did love her - otherwise it was all totally and utterly pointless. Well it was pointless anyway as he never intended to leave me to go to her. An exercise in painful futility.

Hi LeGavrorf - the poster previously known as Getorf? Nice to see you again.

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 11:19:33

Yes that's me orm.

It does seem pointless doesn't it. All that bloody devastation last year and 15 months of degrees of pain and hurt for fuck all.

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 11:20:41

Yes he is cruel.
And selfish.
And pathetic.
He would collapse without you?
I would go ahead and let him.
I admire you too op. I could not have stayed with such a man and I suffer from attacks of martyrdom from time to time too smile

LeGavrOrf Wed 25-Sep-13 11:21:47

He wouldn't collapse without you, but he would like you to think that he would.

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