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Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

(111 Posts)
OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 08:49:06

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Sep-13 09:37:18

Let's all talk about him some more shall we.... ? hmm Why on earth do you want to reconcile with someone so full of himself? I think this is the point at which you are finally going to get angry and I give it six months, a year tops before you get your confidence to a place where you're not content to be his second choice and you chuck him out of your own volition.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 25-Sep-13 09:38:56

I hope he spends the rest of his life regretting his obdurate insistence that his tawdry, vanity-based indulgence with this awful woman was "love" and that she, who lied and manipulated to the extent that she did, was "worthy of love".

Well done him - he got to feel right for 15 months while you felt like shit.

Now he's realised it was just a big load of nothing, you don't care.

You're too good for him.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 09:40:49

Oh I can assure you I've been very angry. Fucking furious! Still have my moments.

Vivacia Wed 25-Sep-13 09:46:28

Am I right in understanding you're still with him and there never was a separation?

Zhx3 Wed 25-Sep-13 09:46:59


Gosh, I remember reading your posts last summer.

I thought you were too good for him then, and I think you're too good for him now. How vain and self-centred he has been and continues to be.

Glad you are now more confident, capable and independent.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 09:51:32

You're too good for him and you know it thanks Shame you're wasting yourself on him really. Especially after his MLC comment.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 25-Sep-13 09:51:44

I know so many people who have reconciled in these circumstances after he has been unfaithful who have subsequently split a while down the line as the wife's decision as she has turned round and gone "actually I don't love you any more"

Sometimes once you have got over the whole thing of winning him back I think it slowly begins to dawn that the loss of respect for him overshadows the love.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Sep-13 09:52:03

Use the next 'moment' to heave Mr Lets All Talk About Me out perhaps? As you say, he DOESN'T MATTER. Why share your life with someone who doesn't matter?

Smartiepants79 Wed 25-Sep-13 09:52:37

I don't know your history but I hope you come out of this a stronger more confident person.
Staying with him is clearly your choice and as long as staying and working to keep your marriage (both of you) makes you happier overall than you would be otherwise it is the right choice. Only you know wether it's worth it.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 09:53:29

I felt like an old dishrag and you want to stay with someone that can do that to you because they're having a selfish little MLC why? Seriously, I don't mean to sound harsh but you sound intelligent & like you've improved your confidence a lot etc and like you sort of don't care anymore anyway. So why?

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 09:54:48

( bluesky has said it better and more nicely).

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 09:55:35

I dealt with it the way that seemed right at the time. Don't need any more support regarding that. What's done is done.

However the future is a different matter. I have no idea whether we'll still be together a year from now. Thing is, I am not scared, overwhelmed and out of control now. So it's up to me. Not going to rush into anything.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 09:57:23

Glad to hear it smile

Sounds like you're doing very well anyway. Well done!

Vivacia Wed 25-Sep-13 09:58:22

Great that you're feeling so strong and confident. Has he noticed the changes in you?

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 10:01:27

Yes he has vivacia. Funnily enough he's been ill on and off since dday with minor problems. Right now he has a mysterious pain in his shoulder and arm that has all the physios and doctor's puzzled hmm Strange.

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 10:01:36

He's done a real number on you hasn't he?
Glad you are ok, but equally hope you come to your senses and realise your own worth sometime soon.

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 25-Sep-13 10:04:03

Orm, (((hugs)))

Don't expect you even know who I am but I always liked you on here. Glad you have found your peace and strength.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 10:06:16

thanks belle. I do remember you x

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. It's funny how different I feel from the time I was on here sobbing and in shock.

Badvoc Wed 25-Sep-13 10:10:00

Ah....but you aren't that person anymore op, are you?
That's the problem.
You have grown and changed and moved on...and he hasn't.
He is still the man who - MLC or not - cheated on you with a girl half his age.
And he always will be.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Wed 25-Sep-13 10:14:46

Only just saw how old she was. How disgusting...

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 25-Sep-13 10:16:02

And how do you respond to his mysterious illnesses/pains?

Having been where you have, I do get why you made the decision to stay. However, I think the self absorption, childish attention seeking along with the fact that he is still making it all about him, would really put me off.

Have you told him what you feel now? That you don't actually care anymore?

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 10:19:00

mad - I didn't reply to his comment. It's not my business.

The illnesses? I make sympathetic noises, offer advice but leave him to it. I've never been good with ill people as it is - no patience.

Dahlen Wed 25-Sep-13 10:21:30

I always felt you were too good for your DH even before his affair came to light. Your posts often betrayed a stance of being terribly taken for granted, although he never behaved like an out-and-out bastard. But you have DC and a long history together, and sometimes an affair doesn't always need to end a marriage. It depends on lessons learned and emotions, which aren't always logical but are just as valid and powerful as what seems the 'right' thing to do. I understand why you wanted to reconcile, and I think the process of doing that has been a useful one for both of you. Your DH has been a bit slower on the uptake than I'd like, but even if you don't manage to go the distance, you'll both be stronger, more self-aware people for this. Good luck with the rest of your journey.

maypoledancer Wed 25-Sep-13 10:36:57

You'll leave him I think. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon.
Does he smoke, btw? 'mysterious shoulder pain' can be lung cancer. I knew two people whose mysterious shoulder pain turned out to lung cancer - my uncle and a friendof my parents.

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