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Relationship advice needed

8 replies

rosielovestractors · 24/09/2013 15:30

Good afternoon everyone, I'm new here so firstly would like to say hello..
I've been with my husband for the past 5 years. Married for 3 years. I'm 33 in November and my husband is 42. He was married previously and has three teenage boys from previous relationships. His first wife requested he had the snip, the dutiful husband that he was did so.
At the beginning of our raltionship I explained that he wanted children and he said he would have it reversed.. We visited a private hospital where they said it would not be a problem after they had examined him. The appointment letter came through the door to which he had decided he could not go through with it.
The years have passed and I'm finding it very very difficult to put the feeling aside, I long with all my heart to be a mum and to have my own family, I just feel my time is running out. Surely if he truely loved me he would of gone ahead with the operation.
Also his ex wife cheated on him for years, which I think has put a lot of factors into play. I'm quiet old fashioned I come from a loving a stable home, we have never had joint bank accounts and he squirrels all his money away, I have to ask him to contribute towards the bills as the house and outgoings all leave my account as they are in my name.
I really would appreciate some outside input
Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling post
Warm regards rosemary

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 15:36

Hello Rosemary. If it's very, very important to you to have children then I'm sorry, you seem to have married the wrong man. There are always compromises in any relationship but some things are 'deal-breakers' and I'd suggest this may be yours. He made a pretty big promise and he reneged on it without so much as a discussion. I think there is no getting away from the conversation that sets out the choice in very bald terms i.e either we have children and stay married or we split up and I go find someone else to have children with.

FWIW I don't like this 'cash squirrelling' thing and having to be asked to tip up either. He sounds extremely selfish in a lot of different ways

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hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2013 15:48

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1861742-to-leave-my-partner-because-he-doesnt-want-anymore-children

The above thread might help.
If it does link, it's on page of the AIBU board.

Like the PP - I don't like the sound of the money issue either.
I don't think you are compatable really either!
You want kids - then leave and find someone who does want them with you and don't spend your life regretting not having them and resenting your 'D'H for not doing as he originally promised!

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hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2013 15:49

That should read if it DOESN'T link!

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Jan45 · 24/09/2013 16:34

So as well as promising you a child he also doesn't pay his fair share of the bills, or at least you have to ask him for it, why are you with him exactly, what are you getting out of this cos he sounds a right selfish twat.

Perhaps you need to look at starting afresh with another partner.

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Mueslimorning · 24/09/2013 17:33

Dear Rosemary,
Swallow your pride and ask d?h to leave. You are young enough to start again and as everything is in your name, bills and all, you can actually put your foot down hard.
My dh told me he'd had a vasectomy and had two kids and wasn't interested in fathering any more.
As I have ds and was 42 when we met I didn't think it would impact me as greatly as it has... I was particularly heartbroken when saw I him play with his v young nephew, realizing he would never play with "our" kids...
However, my ds is quite happy with him as stepdad and likes his step siblings.
On another negative note though, my dh also squirrels away money. We contributed 50:50, but since finding out dh is suddenly earning way way more than me and not paying maintenance for dss, since he lives 50:50 with us, he has upped his contribution.
Needless to say I don't feel valued as a partner. Atm we are in couple counseling, but that's really on to bend things into shape so that I won't leave. His attitude is wrong and I'll never change that.
I doubt your dh will change... Save yourself and your dignity.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 24/09/2013 18:04

He sounds exactly like my mates STB Ex H.
Cocklodged from her for 14 years, now moved on to another victim. Same story right down to the vasectomy. He has cheated on the new woman since day 1 and keeps his finances separate as it is hard to hide payments for dating sites and hookers in a joint account.

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Squitten · 24/09/2013 18:13

Leaving aside the rather obvious financial issues there, you sound like your ideas about your lives are mismatched on one of the most fundamental levels.

He does not want more children. He could have more if he wanted but he CHOOSES not to, despite how you feel about it. So you have a very clear and stark choice before you: stay and accept that you will never have children or leave him and find someone who wants a family.

You only get one life. You have to decide whether this man is worth a potential lifetime of regret. I would strongly recommend that no man is worth that.

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rosielovestractors · 25/09/2013 11:28

Thank you so much,
clarity at last. I cant mean that much to him or he would consider my feelings more, sad but true.
Sometimes i sit here and think it is just me but there are other people in simalr situations to mine, and reading through your forums have helped alot
all the very best to everyone