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Why has my husband got this Facebook account?

(52 Posts)
Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:14:35

I know it's wrong but I have been snooping. For a number of reasons. Mainly sexual. For about 18 months when we were first married, he totally went off sex with me and I know he was using porn a lot then. We have had a number of problems, since then, many as a direct result.

Anyway, I decided that an adult male is unlikely to be so OK with never having sex. He makes half interested attempts every now and again, I just think something else is going on. No evidence of that though.

I have found an email address under a different name. And when I got into the email address there was nothing really incriminating in it. But there was a Facebook profile under the same name. I hacked into that and there is no activity on it really, just a lot of random friend requests. No messages or anything. Activity log is empty. I am entirely sure it has been used for a while to be honest.

He has three friends on it though. All American high school students, two boys and a girl. They are mutual friends with each other.

From his history of emails it looks like they became Facebook friends in about 2010. To be honest I think they might have mistaken him for someone of the same name in their school, but why accept their friend request?

I can't see any interaction. I can't pinpoint anything wrong. But the very fact is there seems a bit strange. I can't ask him about it, I just can't.

Any ideas?

RiotsNotDiets Tue 24-Sep-13 15:18:09

Maybe he's a bit shit with technology and didn't really understand fb, logged out and never used it again?

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:20:03

He's not shit with technology, he works in technology!

It's probably nothing. I just think why go to all that trouble and why accept the requests?

Maybe I'm looking for something that isn't there

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Sep-13 15:22:31

How long were you together before you got married?
How long have you now been married?
Do you have kids together?
Hardly any sex for 18 months after marriage is very odd indeed.
This should be the honeymoon period not the drought!
Depending on answers to the questions would depend what is recommended I would guess.
But lots or porn watching is NEVER a good thing, unless you both like it and watch it together as a bit of extra stimulation. Not him on his own with not sex for you at the end of it. Odd!!!

DorothyBastard Tue 24-Sep-13 15:22:36

Could you ask him? Or do you not want to reveal you've been snooping? It does sound fairly odd TBH.

Yougotbale Tue 24-Sep-13 15:24:34

How old is he? How old are the children 'friends' on Facebook? Are the children local to you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 15:25:32

Why don't you ask him?

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:29:22

We were together two years before we got married. Sex started to become very infrequent before the wedding. He used to say it was stress.

After we got home from honeymoon we probably did it a couple of times before I fell pregnant (unplanned). After that, nothing until a huge argument when DD had just turned one. He admitted he hadn't wanted to because of an ED incident before the wedding. He had taken to using porn several times a week when I was in bed. Meanwhile, my confidence was completely shot after months and months of rejection.

That was a year ago. Since then, not much activity. In recent months, he has made a few more advances but I am very nervous about it now. He criticised me last time we did it about two months ago.

There are lots of other issues. TBH, he's a bit of an EA. I am seriously considering my exit. I just a think a lot about what has happened and when I saw this strange email address, i thought the answers might be in there.

DorothyBastard I definitely couldnt ask

Distrustinggirlnow Tue 24-Sep-13 15:30:04

I think I'd be more interested in the email account tbh. Have you looked to see any others in that name with hotmail or yahoo for example.....

Did you check sent mail too. If its hotmail, did you check all around the account I.e. photos etc?

Jan45 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:31:54

You two sound completely incompatable. Go with you gut, what's it telling you?

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:46:43

My gut is telling me we are not working. I think he can't possibly love me because of the way he has treated me at certain times.

But our problems are all so subtle, his negativity has just chipped away at everything over the last few years. But lately, he has turned into this dream husband and father. And I'm supposed to forget everything, the ruined holiday in June, the guilt trips, the huffs and silent treatment, the rejection and criticism.

It all sounds so minor. i know this is pathetic but I just want the one big thing to happen to get me out and to justify it. I thought a secret email address and a secret facebook account might be the answer, but there is nothing on it.

it sounds like im trying to trap him. A bit shameful really

RiotsNotDiets Tue 24-Sep-13 15:48:26

Forget fb, you don't need to find an excuse to leave. Wanting to is enough.

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:51:53

I know that's true but it just feels so wrong to leave just because you want to

Upnotdown Tue 24-Sep-13 15:58:24

Maybe he opened that FB account to nose at someone's profile? You need a FB account to do that, I think.

If you don't want him, let him go. You don't need an excusesmile

Fozziebearmum2be Tue 24-Sep-13 16:06:56

Being unhappy is an excuse to leave-and you have made it clear here you're not happy in the relationship.

No point sticking around if things haven't been right for a while (and it doesn't sound like they have). Just because someone suddenly decides to be the 'perfect partner' doesn't undo everything that has gone before, sometimes a relationship has already been destroyed and is way past saving. Only you can decide if this is the case.

I do think its bonkers that sometimes we feel we need to justify leaving something and that there are set justifiable reasons I.e. it needs to be an affair/DV etc. Sometimes relationships just don't work and couples make each other miserable for years...

TalkativeJim Tue 24-Sep-13 16:10:41

No, I too would be more worried about the email account. He may have opened a FB profile to do loads of different things - nose at somebody else, leave comments on another website, sign a petition (!) - lots of things. Clearly, he isn't actually using the profile.

But the email...

sixfootplus Tue 24-Sep-13 16:19:01

@Licketysplit123

The no sex thing is definately something to be concerned about. From a male point of view, there are many reasons why this can occur and not all because of cheating etc. I would advise you to get your detective head and do some digging about before you say anything further to him. Arming yourself with the facts and not fiction or figments of imagination can save a lot of arguments later down the line.

There is nothing wrong with checking up on him because it has been his unreasonable behaviour that has triggered the suspicion in the first place!

Re - the FB, porn, suspect email account.

Checking the browser settings to see if it's been set to automatically delete history is a good first step to finding out any suspicious online behaviour.

If it is set to the above, then change it to record the history. People rarely check the settings and history after each session, especially if they have set the comp up themselves (you said in your OP that he was tech savvy).

Pick a time when you know he is going to be online/using the computer on his own and think of a last minute chore or errand to give him. He will likely just stop what he is doing and shut the machine down, giving you time to then power-up and have a snoop!

There are many other things you can do to find out more, but first, you need to establish where he's been or what he is actually doing - if anything.

If your detective work shows nothing, then at least you can remove any suspicion from your mind and concentrate fully on finding out what the root cause of the problems in your marriage are.

I wouldn't give up on this guy just yet. Take your time and plan your approach, you'll be much better prepared to handle the emotional turmoil that a breakup can bring if you're prepared for it in advance.

Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope it works out for the both of you!

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:26:00

Thanks everyone.

sixfootplus there is only ever football related things in the history. But then, he's always been really good at covering up. Even when he admitted using the porn frequently, I had checked as I had become suspicious and there was never anything untoward.

I've had a good look through the email and the only thing I can see is a few chapters of some erotic novel in his drafts. Hardly anything to shout about.

Although still slightly odd

kmc1111 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:33:49

I don't see a problem with the Facebook account or the email. Lot's of people have perfectly innocent email addy's and social networking accounts under false/made-up names (email addresses especially, other than my work email I've never been able to get an email address that in any way resembles my name, not without adding half a dozen random numbers to it. Not everyone is happy with being eg. johnsmith578681, so they use a made up name instead), and there are about a billion abandoned Facebook accounts. I have at least three, one of which would show a few dozen complete randoms as my friends because I just accepted every request but never got around to actually letting my actual friends and family know I was on Facebook, the other was used once because I just needed an account so I could see other peoples and the last was made because I forgot I had the other two. It only takes a minute to create an account, so it's not like it's a hassle. Nothing odd about having multiple emails either, most people will have a main personal one, a work one and some older ones that are used for misc. things/are spam receptacles.

I think when you start looking for things to be wrong so you can justify leaving, you've stayed longer than you should have. Your relationship doesn't sound good at all, you're clearly looking for a way out, so just leave. You don't need proof he's been up to no good if you already want out without that.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Sep-13 16:34:38

He criticised me last time we did it about two months ago
That is quite unbelievable.
He's definitely watching too much porn.
If you want to make your exit plan then do it.
You don't deserve to be unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.
Get out and get happy.

DalekInAFestiveJumper Tue 24-Sep-13 16:42:10

Does he play a lot of online games? For a while, I had a second FB account with some random game related 'friends' (aka people who chucked their names on a list on a forum somewhere) because it earned me rewards on a game I played on my phone, but I didn't want the company to have my real info.

garlicbaguette Tue 24-Sep-13 16:45:02

Oh dear, living like this must be very bad for you sad

It's good that you've identified the emotional abuse. The whole point about this form of abuse is that it is hard to specify: that's why it leaves you feeling vulnerable, confused and alone. Here's a Mumsnet thread about the 'Water Torturer', which often describes an emotionally abuse control freak.

Porn addiction is exactly the same as any other addiction. Once the 'substance' (porn, in this case) has a hold, it becomes the sufferer's first and only love.

You can waste a lifetime second-guessing. Sounds like you're better off out of this.

garlicbaguette Tue 24-Sep-13 16:46:06

I think when you start looking for things to be wrong so you can justify leaving, you've stayed longer than you should have.

YY, kmc.

sixfootplus Tue 24-Sep-13 16:55:48

Hmmm.... The beginnings of an erotic email to someone maybe?

I take it there was no email addy of the person he was sending to? (I know he didn't acutally send it because it is still in the draft folder)

Just football stuff could mean he's individually going through the history and deleting any suspect things and leaving the good stuff to cover his tracks and make it look like he's a good boy.

Were the football pages all accessed at once? (you can check the time stamp in the url of the pages viewed). The reason I ask this is because he could be doing stuff, deleting history and then just opening a few innocent pages to make it look like it was a normal session (a trick my ex used when she was accessing OD sites).

Also, check to see if the history matches your home page when you open your browser. Opening and closing it several times can generate a thread of history, but they will all point to the same page when clicked on.

Does your computer have more than one browser?

One last thing, and this would depend on you keeping an eye on that email account long term. A trick my ex used to communicate with the OM (also married), was to use web based email (Yahoo) and compose a message but not actually send it. The OM would then log onto the same account and read the draft message before deleting it!

Using this technique leaves almost no evidence (unless you have access to the email account) and can be a very effective way of arranging meets etc without the use of your mobile phone, or a burner!

You have to almost have a 6th sense these days to catch a cheat, especially with the easy access of social media and technology (smart phones etc)!

I hope all of what I have said hasn't freaked you out because this was my experience and not necessarily true of yours.....

Licketysplit123 Tue 24-Sep-13 17:04:00

I see everybody's point. I need to leave regardless of what he is up to. I think I just need to come to terms with it, that I would be taking DD away from her dad just because it's better for me.

I can't live like this forever, jan45 is right, we are just so incompatible.
I think the reason he tries to control me is because we are so different. i am a lot more outgoing and laissez faire then him.

I'll stop looking, but if something pops up that makes me feel better about leaving then I will gladly take it.

garlicbaguette and sixfootplus and anyone else with an opinion on tis too, do you think the reason for the continued lack of interest in sex is down to continued use of porn then? I often wonder if he just doesn't have urges. But then last week he had a wet dream and I thought that wouldn't have happened if he'd been wanking. sorry, way TMI

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