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Male seeking advice

(308 Posts)
Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:32:21


I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 22:15:17

Op, you said any questions were welcome.

When you said "and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term." what do you mean by 'the kind of emotion she was referring to'?

Is it possible that there is something about the way they are (the couple) that you are not?

Xollob Tue 24-Sep-13 22:40:28

My bet would be on it being the wedding that has caused her problems, like you yourself have said.

How long have you been going out with her? You said a year, but it sounds less than that.

What do you say when she is talking about marriage and joking about it? Marriage is a big thing to some people and she may be testing the water - she may be joking, but that doesn't mean a thing in female-speak.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 08:52:52

Bit are you in a relationship and if so how often do you tell the person you love them- or they tell you?

Be interesting to know because your opinion seems at odds with several of us here who think daily protestations are rather excessive.

IME ( and I have lived a bit) people who say they love someone a lot are often trying to either convince themselves, ( in love with the idea of being in love) or convince the other person. Less is more often when it comes to words once you are over 16.

My money OP is that your girlfriend had doubts for a long time- but your protestations of love have made it hard for her to show these doubts for fear of hurting you, when maybe she hadn't made her mind up if she loved you as much back.

There are 2 scenarios- either she wants you to marry her and the wedding showed her you were dragging your heels- so she has pulled away to see if you will pull her back.

OR she is not wanting to marry you or anyone ( commitment phobe) and is telling you kindly,using the well worn cliches like needing space.

Lazyjaney Wed 25-Sep-13 09:48:41

You can't really tell anything from one episode.

I think that since it is possible for so many people on this thread to come to such wide differences of opinion from the same behaviour, tells me that this woman is at best very confused about her feelings, at worst playing game.

In my experience best way to avoid games is be straight yourself.

The other thought I had was what is her age, perhaps the biological clock is ticking strongly?

KitZacJak Wed 25-Sep-13 10:02:07

She sounds like she is having doubts about the relationship. The best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel but leave her some space and be a bit on the cool side. If she has a bit of time to herself she may miss you and realise what you have together. Alternatively the relationship will end but at least you will keep your dignity.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:05:42

DuelingFanjo - it was the way it was said and there was other stuff said too, I'm not putting it across well in text but it was a comment backed up by years of going through stuff together (this was also mentioned and there have been some tempestuous times earlier in their relationship). The frustrating thing about her picking up on this comment is that when talking about it my friend said that she was drunk and making gushing compliments and of course she loves her husband but she would still love it if he dressed a bit better. That still doesn't mean that she wants to change anything about him. They are different as a couple than we are but then they're different people.

missbopeep - the daily "I love you" personally I don't see the problem and she was telling me the same thing. She told me she loved me first too (that sounds really childish when written down) so it's not like these 'protestations' have made her have to say it back to me or being unable to show her doubts and the way she used to tell me she loved me was always sincere and genuine too and wasn't always at my instigation

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:10:33

Lazyjaney - she isn't a game player, it seems to be more confusion to me and others I have spoken to about the situation. I've been completely straight with her too, although I do kind of feel like I'm playing abit of a game purely by not getting in touch with her when I normally would but I'm trying to be respectful of her wishes for space.

As for her age, 29 but she doesn't want children

KitZacJak - I'm hoping the time apart will do some good, horrible though it is

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 10:39:48

How do you know she doesn't want children? Why doesn't she want them?

I agree with missbopeep - she may need space, or she may be looking for you to come after her. If you are talking about spending the rest of your lives together you will need to be able to communicate and this silence won't be getting you anywhere. How would a 'I love you and I miss you' text go down do you think?

KitZacJak Wed 25-Sep-13 10:40:16

Stay strong! Hope it all turns out well in the end.

Dahlen Wed 25-Sep-13 10:46:57

I think you're handling it the right way. You can't possibly know what's going on in her head and trying to work it out is a sure-fire route to madness.

I feel the accusations of game-playing are a bit harsh though. If she's having doubts and needs time to sort her head out, saying she needs space is absolutely the right thing to do. In the context of a stable (if newish) relationship, I'd expect the other person to be supportive of that provided it didn't lapse into an unreasonable timeframe (so a couple of weeks would be fine IMO, but a couple of months wouldn't be unless happily agreed on by both parties without persuasion).

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:47:17

Xollob - she's told me she doesn't want children on a number of occasions.

As for your text suggestion, I really want to get in touch but honestly, I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. The text could go either way I think. I had been thinking something along the lines of "Hi. Please don't think I'm ignoring you as you haven't herd from me. I trying to give you space but I miss you and I love you and I'd love to be able to sort this out"


Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:49:13

Dahlen - thank you, she most definitely isn't a game player, it's not her style at all

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 10:52:06

How long has it been since you contacted her OP?

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 10:53:10

I'm asking that because I think you deserve to know where you stand.. The not knowing and confusion is awful ans horribly unfair.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:55:23

SweetSeraphim - feels like absolutely ages but not long at all. This happened on sunday. There was no contact monday or tuesday whereas normally we'd be texting during the day and talking on the phone at night

bluegrasses Wed 25-Sep-13 11:04:36

I'd say leave her in peace. Let her take the initiative! She started it!

Show her you're not going to actually die if she never contacts you again. Don't demean yourself before her. Keep your dignity and integrity.
If it's some kind of a test she can forget it...

Granville72 Wed 25-Sep-13 11:08:53

Send the text. It's a tricky situation but if she's going to finish it then the text wont make any difference. On the other hand, if you didn't send the text and she finished it then she could say ' well you clearly don't care as I haven't heard from you'

Does that make sense? Very swings and roundabouts.

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:17:46

Maybe give her a bit more time to miss you then - as excruciating as it must be. If she really needs space, two days is unlikely to have been enough, I feel. I really hope it works out for you - it sounds a horrible situation to be in.

Do you have any mutual friends who could shed any light? (though be careful not to be seen to be going behind her back to find out).

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:18:33

PS: I take it you're happy not to have children too?

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 11:44:44

Xollob - we are the only connection between our two social circles so no mutual friends. I do have the numbers of some of her friends and I do consider them my friends but feel it would be inappropriate (or even damaging) to contact them. I'm half expecting contact from one of her friends when he finds out though, we get on very well.

I'm happy with the children situation.

Really want to get in touch but still uncertain and probably won't do it until this evening either way

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:48:15

Yes, definitely wait a bit longer - until at least this evening.

On the children front - sometimes women change their minds quite dramatically about having children at about that age. Is it possible that she has decided that she may want children but thinks that you don't?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Sep-13 11:52:02

Oh Marmite I feel for you. It's the agony of waiting isn't it? It's a killer

I think that text sounds good. (obviously correcting the spelling mistake wink) because it is very positive but in reality, you've got nothing to loose have you?

Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 12:04:25

Actually I agree with Granville. Sending a text tonight isn't going to make any difference now, and you deserve to know what's going on.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 12:35:01

sometimes you know it's harder to be the one walking away than being the one being dumped.

I know I keep banging on about this daily 'I love you' stuff but it's because to me it's a sign that your relationship was not possibly on the sound footing you imagined. Couples who are mature and beyond the first flush of love don't IME keep saying this unless they are really 'lovey' types. I do think there is a chance the love-you' words mean little the more they are said. It sounds in some ways as if you were each 'talking your relationship up'.

That aside, if she is wanting to end things, then I'd keep quiet about your feelings because you will only add more pressure and make it harder for her.

If you want to find out what is going on then phone her. Forget texts- modern inventions that are a cop out IMo for real communication. Phone her and say you need to talk. Ask to meet or if she wants some time before you meet to talk.
Be a man about it all!

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:49:48

missbopeep - she's a woman who needs reassurance from time to time and compliments and I love yous help with that, aside from the fact that I genuinely mean them, it's certainly not just lip service.

I agree with you about calling rather than texting but feel a call isn't as respectful of her wanting some space (I'm also aware that texting isn't really respecting that either but I feel like I need to do something and I'm missing her like mad)

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