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Male seeking advice(308 Posts)
I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!
To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.
I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.
I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.
She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.
Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.
When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.
She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.
I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.
In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!
Sounds like she is messing with you a bit, to me.
Maybe the wedding prompted her to think whether or not you are 'the one' ?
Maybe she's just having a crap day.
I would give her a few days and see what comes next - however I would not keep pestering her with reassurances about how much you love her etc.
Hmmmm I know that weddings can be emotional events. Maybe was hoping you would come over all romantic at the wedding and propose??
I had thought that the weddings (we had one the previous weekend too) might have had an effect. It's only natural to think along those lines when weddings are happening.
I don't think she was hoping for/expecting a proposal, although I do want to spend the rest of my life with her and we've spoken about it jokingly in the past.
Much as I'm missing her and I want to contact her I think it is best to leave her be for a bit. I'm just massively confused as this really came out of the blue
It could be one of two things IMHO...
1. She's fishing for compliments, looking for reassurance, 'testing' you with the 'something's missing' thing so that you'll try a bit harder to keep her ....
2. She wants to end it with you but keeps losing her nerve.
Either way you're doing the right thing leaving her be and not being in contact. Be with friends, get on with your life and, if she gets back in touch, don't be too quick to rush to her side.
agree with moaning.
sounds like hard work
Don't panic! It could be nothing. Even just a bit of PMT, I get pretty down about everything around that time.
What's her past relationship history? Lots of long-ish relationships that end for not being quite right?
I do think weddings can be very unsettling.
I would completely back off for now. I know that's hard.
Sometimes I think people can feel like their partner has to be a soul mate and can look at others' relationships with rosé tinted glasses, not realising that even the best relationships need a bit of work sometimes.
You sound lovely - I hope it works for you.
I'd let her be, Marmite.
If she said "that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with", then listen to her...she is telling you who she is. The timing may well be triggered by the recent weddings you have attended as she wants to give you this message before you do decide to propose.
And this is just me, but I would recommend that you not "joke" about something as serious and sensitive as marriage. It could be felt as degrading to a person, regardless of their demeanor in the moment, to consider the thought of marriage to them to be a joke...no matter who brought it up. Perhaps you could offer an apology on this point and see if that is the root of this turn of dynamic?
I misinterpreted your "joking" comment, Marmite, sorry.
Let her be, and perhaps give the relationship at least another year before you do propose...if it can get past this.
Maybe she is difficult and she has been checking herself not to blow it, but is finding it hard work.
I think I did that to some extent in my last relationship, where I didn't want to complain about things (I'm through hoping that people change), but I did end it, apparently to his surprise.
Personally I think I'd be honest about my feelings towards her and tell her it's her decision.
Just don't take too long.
to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.
I completely agree with you there. I also think how you express it is a function of personality. While I want the best for DP and do lots of things for him, I'd never say his happiness is all I'm concerned with - I think he'd be a bit horrified if I did!
It's hard to say whether she's just having a wobble or not. Weddings are weird like that. From what you say otherwise she sounds reasonable and nice (you both do).
But she could be nice and nonetheless have some ridiculously over-inflated expectations about choirs of angels, lightning bolts etc which will never be met - with anyone. The "difficult person to have a relationship with" does hint at that, and I agree with what AndTheBand says there.
Give her the break she wants but watch out for signs you are being dangled, because that is not fair, and be prepared to walk away.
Just want to add on to this - don't joke about the marriage thing. If it's secretely a big deal to her she may now feel like she can't talk to you about it. This is the trap DP and I fell into. He made a joke about getting married in Vegas once and I freaked out because we hadn't been together long and we were indeed planning a trip to vegas. I was worried he was being serious so I asked him later to confirm that he had been joking - he said he was and that he probably never would get married again.
Well that is a problem because I don't want to be in a relationship where marriage is not the mutual goal. Now however, we can't talk about it, it's become a bit of a taboo subject and it's always in my head that I could waste years waiting for a proposal or simply call an end to it and find someone who shares my goals and values because it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. I'm pretty laid back and accommodating but this is a massive deal to me and I'm not compromising on it for anyone.
sorry - point is, never joke about marriage!
CogitoErgoSometimes - 1. There's compliments all the time and I tell her I love her everyday. 2. Possibly but there was no suggestion leading up to this
fifi669 - she got her period on saturday and can be quite hormonal, to the point where her friends used to chart her periods to avoid her when she was on them! Despite this I haven't found them to be much of an issue thus far although she can get a bit down
oohdaddypig - relationship history is pretty much like that, couple of long term
AndTheBandPlayedOn - It's been her doing the wedding joking and was along the lines of "can we have this at our wedding" so not demeaning
hashtagwhatever - she does maybe come across as hard work in this thread but she genuinely isn't and I think the world of her
People becoming distant, 'wanting their own space' and telling you there's something missing IS the suggestion that you're about to get dumped. She's clearly in two minds about you.
personally I would give her space. Unless you think she is the kind of person who would react strongly and positively to you making some kind of dramatic gesture of love?
I am inclined to think if she has asked for space, give it to her.
Leave her be. If there is anything chance that she might come back, it will not happen by you chasing her - in fact, that will guarantee the opposite.
It could be many things. Maybe she has her eye on somebody else ... As hard as that is to take.
I think Cogito's probably got it right, although I don't know which of the two options is more likely.
If it's option 1 and she genuinely wants more reassurance, has there been anything in the last year that may be responsible for her having doubts, or have you had a feeling that the relationship is running at a different pace for each of you (e.g. is she ready to move to the next level now and you're not)?
Either way, giving her space is exactly the right thing to do. If she wants reassurance she needs to be able to spell out exactly what she needs from you and when. If she wants to break it off, she needs to say so, not drop hints.
If you really care for her and are worried that she may take no contact as a sign you don't care, you could maybe send a text along the lines that you love her and hope you can work it through, but you will respect her decision for space and won't contact her again until she decides what she wants to do.
CogitoErgoSometimes - brutal though that is I don't disagree but that doesn't tally with any of her behaviour or what she had been saying to me all weekend leading to this
ageofgrandillusion - I really don't think there is anyone else involved and that isn't be wearing rose tinted glasses
Just remember 12 months will not mean that you know her completely, what you have seen is good and tbh at the stage you two are at there shouldn't be any problems or niggles, it doesn't bode well for the future.
She is, either, as has been said, playing a game because she actually loves the drama or, she is not sure about you two at all, only time will tell but do not contact her, she's told you something is missing, that is not nice to hear so let her go figure out what it is exactly!
Going off needing space without warning, can be just a personality style. If she's the sort who likes to keep her own counsel until she's made a decision or can articulate what is wrong, not giving any hint that anything was wrong up until that point could be very in character and doesn't necessarily mean she's a drama queen.
Not sure if any of you think there's any significance in this or if I'm overthinking things but she left plenty of stuff at my flat when she left, stuff I pointed out she hadn't picked up
Dahlen - about no contact, yes I am worried about that but I'm also worried that getting in touch will do more harm than good
What she's said prior to this point is rather immaterial and you have to work with what she's saying now which is... in a nutshell... I don't want to be with you.
You may be overthinking this Marmite...I suspect she was hormonal and unsettled by the wedding, maybe needing some reassurance?
Just give her a bit of space and then when you have re-bonded, calmly let her know how you feel (both about her and the sudden way she switched off).
It isn't nice behaviour on her part but it might not be as significant as it seems....
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