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Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

(270 Posts)
redundantandbitter Tue 24-Sep-13 00:11:24

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

sisterofmercy Fri 04-Oct-13 19:34:58

He's your XP now not your DP. Have a look at the way you write about him and what adjectives you use to describe him 'gorgeous' and 'warm' instead of 'faithless' and 'cold'. Changing the language you use will help you get some distance from him.

Press the spam button without opening on your e-mail provider when he next e-mails. Keep doing so until it learns and sends the e-mail straight to the bin/trash folder. You can do without him tugging on your chain all the time.

He's being really unfair and cruel by not allowing you the time and space to grow a new layer of skin over your wounds.

redundantandbitter Fri 04-Oct-13 18:07:50

The counselling is helpful as my days are spent working / childcare and putting on a brave front.. So it's a safe place for me to cry. He had tried for years to talk to EXW .. There were letters, rows and tried to get to Relate but, as you say, that's what he's told me. So pinch of salt and all that. We were actually friends too, I expect he thinks I will still be here for him.. Which is why I expected some communication .. I know his behaviour patterns. But actually no contact is a LOT easier for me. I think if I'd have been given a guide to 'typical affair behaviour' 4 yrs ago and I knew what was coming then I seriously would have said sort our own relationships out first. Would have been the best thing all round . Stupid behaviour.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 15:12:30

Are you counting the 18 month affair in your '4 years together'?

Even if you are, I can't see how 2.5 years can be described as a transition (assume that's the word you meant to use) affair.

Thing is, she's only got your word for it, based on his word that he was desperate to exit an unhappy marriage.

Why would you expect some form of contact though? He's got no reason to, has he? He ended the relationship and you don't have kids or a house together. The only thing left would be friendship and this relationship was never that on its own.

Better that he doesn't contact you.

Keep seeing the counsellor if you think it's helping you, but the more I hear about Relate counsellors and their daft pronouncements, the less respect I have for that organisation.

redundantandbitter Fri 04-Oct-13 14:40:42

3 weeks today since bombshell dropped... I went to Relate counsellor this morning.. Embarrassingly there for my 3rd lot of sessions.., humiliated moi? She listened. Said it was a classic 'transistion' affair .. Great, so I was nothing more than a useful bridge for him to trample in to get him out of his marriage and into yoga lady's bed. Marvellous. No contact for 12days bar one email. He has sent nothing for a week as has been very busy at work but I know he's off today and yes, I expected some form of contact. Keeping busy, actually changed the Dc's beds and hoovered. I know I should be moving on.. But that involves letting go. Ouch. Some v useful suggestions here.., let go or be dragged down.(I like) , baggage reclaim Website and chump lady. .this site has been a godsend . I have read other people's posts with horror and sadness, sometimes laughter. What people go through! Thanks again and see you on the other side. Oh and am
Changing name to backslide as I love the phrase!

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 21:10:35

No, you can be harsh, it's ok. He told me she is waiting for him in the wings.. He is ending it with me to over overlap, and then having a couple of weeks break. I think it probably sounded better in his head than in real life words.. All communication has stopped. Will avoid EXW - I havent responded to anything she has sent previously.. He doesn't normally pass on any info about EXW , usually tight lipped. He's not into slagging her off.. Never has really. But I know telling the kids about their dd and me was always a massive threat .. And she carried out the threat . It's her right, the kids will need to know at some point anyway. It's all done now.

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Oct-13 20:53:42

sorry in the post above, the lovely yoga woman should have been in " "s as in he says she's lovely, not that I think she is... (realised it reads harsher than I intended otherwise)

FrancescaBell Wed 02-Oct-13 20:47:51

I thought as much.

I'd say it was 'very typical' of your ex to try to pit women against eachother, because it wouldn't serve his purpose at all if all the women he shat on started to understand eachother's position and rued the day they ever got involved with him.

His ex-wife is hardly likely to be your biggest fan, but unless she's told you she hates you herself I'd take any conversations reported by him with a huge pinch of salt.

There's a big difference between not liking someone's actions and hating the person herself.

It would be a good thing if you started to question anything that's come out of this man's mouth in all your time together, including of course the period of the affair.

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Oct-13 20:42:43

oh and if he's not important to you anymore, then his xW isn't either, you don't need to talk to her again if you don't want too. Why bother having anything to do with any of them (other than your DSDs if they want to keep in contact.)

DontmindifIdo Wed 02-Oct-13 20:41:25

Well, you don't need to focus on if they have "of course" slept together or not, it doesnt follow that they have, in fact, the fact that he's ended it with you after such a short time when it took such a long time of angst with ending his marriage might suggest the lovely yoga woman turned him down while he's in a relationship with someone else, but made it very clear that it was on offer once he had ended that relationship. I know a couple who got together where she refused to sleep with him until he had left his wife (but was very clear she would once he was single), he did, they got together and then married within a very short time frame. I see them now 5 years down the line and I'm 100% convinced if they'd had a full affair at the time (and his DW hadn't found out!), they wouldn't have ended up together.

Also, it's going to have been easier to leave you than it was leaving his W, he's not living with you so there's not practical "leaving issues", you dont have DCs together, ending his relationship with you won't affect how much he sees his DCs, and most importantly, he's done it once before, it's easier to do something when you have done it before and you know you'll be fine.

Anyway OP, can you set up a filter on your e-mails so messages from him go straight into a subfolder, not your inbox - that way you can just ignore them until you're more ready to deal with them. Right now it's too soon to read them.

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 19:56:18

Er.. DP ... Ok.. I know what you are thinking .. But I DO know her ... Have spoken to her over the years.. It's very typical . Must admit I have a feeling she will want to talk to me when she finally realises he's left me.. He will be trying to keep it quiet as long as poss. She certainly won't swallow the 'spiritual' rubbish

FrancescaBell Wed 02-Oct-13 19:02:44

To who does she say this?

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 17:48:04

No, afraid it's a more straight forward approach ... EX W wanted the kids to hate me as much as she does .. She says so herself.

EldritchCleavage Wed 02-Oct-13 17:23:46

Or maybe he was worried because ex-wife had him completely sussed by then, and one of the kids might have let something drop from her that showed him in his true colours?

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 15:25:02

springybuffy .. His EXW told the DDs about the exact reason she hates me ... On Father's Day (nice touch) so he wAs always worried from then on.. Whenever we were all in the same room I could feel him flapping...but we were fine . Really

springybiffy Wed 02-Oct-13 15:17:53

He was worried his kids 'wouldn't like you'? That's complimentary then hmm

He's full of shit. Complete shit. Insular, huh - who made you insular? Who had you all to himself . I'm wondering if you should have charged him. He's full of complete shit. I agree, take off the rose-tinted glasses. He's a bog standard, dead dull, player.

cakehappy Wed 02-Oct-13 13:50:30

It's classic, rewriting history to make excuses for shitty present behaviour. Disengage Hun, he's following the same behaviour pattern as most cheaters. He's not as great as you think he is, and you need to start remembering negative things as well as positive.

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 13:37:56

Cakehappy - thank you for your lovely compliment too x

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 13:30:49

excellent sex

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 13:29:54

Ok .. Stop idolising.. Got it... He did say he was anxious around me and his kids.. Kept thinking they wouldn't like me.. Tbh we all got on well .. He was just panicking.. Of course yoga lady looks relaxed with his DDs .. You were AT CAMP! Anyone would look at ease in flip flops and a silly hat when there's no work, brownies, tea, dog poo to be sorted. Then he said we were too 'insular' .. Think
He is forgetting here or everyone in mental boxes away from each other.. I am very sociable and kept suggesting having a party... He forgets most of our time together wAs spent in bed .. Having e velksnt sex.. FFS. Pah. Getting new girlfriend then making up stuff that wasn't quite sitting right in our relationship is poor

cakehappy Wed 02-Oct-13 13:23:33

Hey OP
You're idolising this man, take off your rose-coloured glasses and check out the reality. He fancied someone else, and left you for her whilst trying to cover/excuse terrible behaviour with "out of my control,fate, yadiyaya" bullshit. The sooner you realise it, the better. Disengage. Completely. Warm sand trickling through my fingers, very romantic but he's not what you think he is. You on the other hand are funny and sweet. Make an effort to protect yourself Hun. Totally no photos, following tweets, romantic thoughts, memories of hugs on rainy days...he's REALLY not the man you think/thought he was and that's the painful truth.

redundantandbitter Wed 02-Oct-13 12:26:33

Tbh I think EXW had come to terms with the fact we were still together and 'strong' ( I use the term loosely) and had accepted me meeting their DDs etc.. I think she will be p***ed off and have a go at him for being flaky. Good. Then she may well come looking for me..

TheDietStartsTomorrow Wed 02-Oct-13 06:31:17

I bet his long term partner of 15 years who he left after having an affair with you is having a right laugh. Talk about karma.

superstarheartbreaker Wed 02-Oct-13 04:53:40

He's a dick. If he precipitated a previous break up then has done this then he us a complete drama addict. Yuck.

springybuffy Wed 02-Oct-13 01:12:44

You say you're disappointed.. want to shake him.. that If I've learned anything from this relationship it's 'be patient, be kind and be gentle'.

oh dear oh dear! What's going on! I feel like I'm witnessing the king riding on a horse through the streets WITH NO CLOTHES ON.

ffs. He's not a ditherer, he's a cunt. Poor diddums is at the mercy of his dick the gods/universe and there's just nothing he can do about it <sigh>

Meanwhile, you're feeling 'disappointed'. One feels 'disappointed' when someone nicks the reduced broccoli practically out of your hand in the supermarket. I would suggest that one feels a little more than 'disappointed' when your lover, who tracked you down after 25 years boak , precipated a break from your lt partner, sits with you of an evening - for 4 years - talking deep and meaningfuls and feeling the connection.. dumps you for a bit of skirt.

Come on girl. Less of the kind, the gentles and the patience. He's a dick. You can still be a good person who roars with rage at appropriate moments. You don't have to float off on a cloud with your harp, wishing him well. he's fucked you over. Get angry.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 00:20:23

Oh op it's such a tough thing to go through. I still sometimes get a thump of disbelief in the solar plexus about what the ex did to me. And it's over a year now and I'm happy and settled. So for you, when it's all so raw, it's bound to feel devastating

So don't be too hard on yourself. It's still early days and it will get better I promise xx

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