Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
You know when women's who have cheating husbands lose the plot and do something dramatic?(152 Posts)
You know like burn all their clothes, or detail what has happened on FB?
And people say keep your dignity etc, do you actually judge the wronged women at all?
I cannot see his anyone could. My friend carved 'adulteress' on the bonnet of the car of OW and I have to admit I thought it dramatic and appropriate. Good on anyone who does feel like an ice queen, but I actually think it might be cathartic.
But to anyone in that position right now, my best wishes to you, as the song says 'you will survive'
Depending on what, if anything, more I knew about the people involved and the situation, I'd be inclined to wonder if she had form for that sort of behaviour and that perhaps the husband had good reason to want to leave.
I think the biggest revenge is showing you are indifferent. Holding your head up, walking away and taking control. Ex parrtners hate that. Thats my experience anyway.
Oh and getting a lawyer and hitting him with a bill is good karma!
When men are violent to or seek revenge on the men who've shagged their partners, no-one ever says 'no wonder his wife went off with the OM.' Instead, those violent and vengeful men are given sympathy.
When men get angry at being cheated on, no-one tells them it's unreasonable and it's better to be 'dignified'.
Few people (actually none IME) ever say to men 'Focus on your wife. She's the one who's to blame. She was probably telling loads of lies to the OM and he's got no responsibility to you - she has.'
Yet when women get violent, vengeful or even angry, there is no tolerance. They get called names that are only reserved for women, their behaviour is described as 'hysterical', they get told to be 'dignified', they are berated for feeling any anger at all towards the OW. They receive ominous warnings that if they show anger, mysterious 'others' will assume that this was their default behaviour before their partners cheated, so they had only themselves to blame for it happening.
My maxim is that it's fine to be angry, whether you're a man or a woman on the receiving end of this, but it's better to use that anger productively so that it doesn't harm you and doesn't endanger either person or property. Better to be smart about your anger when people wrong you and better to discharge it in ways that are safe for you and others.
It's the outright sexism about anger that I can't stomach. If I see or hear the phrase 'bunny boiler' it makes me want to scream with anger myself!
Don't know you you know but none of those behaviours from men are ok in my world.
Anger's okay in my world. Revenge is pretty okay too, as long as it's doesn't involve the endangerment of person or property. I apply that equally to men and women.
I don't think everyone does though. Angry women are treated differently to angry men. I see it all the time in real life and I see it all the time on Mumsnet.
No, I don't judge as long as it's the bounds of the law. I found Paul Hollywood's wife's tweets hilarious! Now she just stepped back and got a good lawyer.
So you were momentarily a twat, so what? Who's the bigger twat, honestly? Someone you loved and trusted lied and royally screwed you over, and you're not supposed to show anger and 'be dignified'?
As long as its not violent. I wouldn't judge. It's difficult to understand how someone feels when they are faced with such a heartbreaking situation.
Many years ago my close friend found out her then DP had been cheating. As she moved out of the house they share, she got a bag of frozen prawns, inserted them into the holo of the curtain palls in the living room, dining room and kitchen. She then made two inconspicuous
as she discribes it slits in the master bedroom mattress and slid two frozen cods into the mattress. She said she went to a lot of effort to cover her tracks. To this day she has no regrets. The property was jointly owned and he paid her out. Can you imagine the stench.
I think one out-of-character 'mad moment' is perfectly understandable, largely because I did it myself 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' and all that. A sustained obsessive campaign of revenge... no... that just makes someone look like a nutter.
Somehow I remained dignified despite feeling more murderous than I e ever felt in my life.
I was too busy working and holding my poor dc together for histrionics and drama.
Later in I was very grateful for behaving that way as eh and the ow were and still are a bit and must have been shocked at my lack if reaction. (I was dying inside for a while though)
"When men get angry at being cheated on, no-one tells them it's unreasonable and it's better to be 'dignified'"
I think you've got that completely the wrong way around actually. I used the quote 'hell hath no fury... etc' earlier and I think society generally (historically, misogynistically) expects women to behave in an irrational and emotional manner under stress. We are weak and therefore all we can do is lash out as a futile gesture. There is an expectation that men will be angry in the same situation (the French have the concept of the 'crime passionel') or display vengeance or go the obsession route, but if you want a really dramatic and loopy response, that's usually the preserve of women.
I judge both men and women if they go completely loopy in a public manner just because their partner has the temerity to not love them any more. The people it is most embarrassing for are the children. I really admire couples who manage an amicable split for the sake of their children, whatever the emotional cost to themselves.
I don't judge anyone as having experienced the utter shock and pain of finding h out your partner has betrayed you and that your entire life is about to change, I actual believe this could bring about temporary Insanity or certainly make people behave irrationally.
"just because their partner has the temerity to not love them any more."
'Just'? It's not the withdrawal of love that sends people over the edge, it's the visceral hurt, frustration and anger caused by what often goes along with it... betrayal, lies, secrecy, insults, accusations. Not to mention the backwash of crap that comes afterwards ... financial problems, upset children, STDs, isolation...
Ithaka I don't believe the majority of people behave in this way because their partner doesn't love them anymore. In my friends case she was angry not because he didn't love her
he said he did and begged her to stay so they could work it out. She was angry because of the continued lying, sneaking around and when she initially confronted him, he made her feel like she was crazy, insecure etc. for evening think he had been fucking someone else behind her back. I believe when people break up because one doesn't love the other, but do it in an honourable diginified way rather than act weakly and get bit on the side to help them through, the hurt partner doesn't really get angry in the same way a cheated on partner does. I think people's reactions are down to how the breakup occurs or what causes the break up.
theunashamedow sorry but your comments on this subject seem to contradict themselves from thread to thread.
Sometimes "behaving with dignity" is a euphemism for "shut up and don't make a fuss" because it makes everyone else's life awkward. To that end, I have no problem with people who have been shat on from a great height making their feelings known and refusing to sit in suffering silence. In this particular case, I feel the wronged wife had some justification in targetting the OW because the OW was her erstwhile best friend. That's a massive betrayal and could be just as painful as the betrayal by her H.
However, I wouldn't give any human being the satisfaction of exposing myself to a criminal record or reputational ruin because of their bad behaviour.
Bit of a pedant but... the OW is not an 'adulteress' by having an affair with a married man. She would be an 'adulteress' if she'd had an affair and was herself married.
And agree that she should not be the focus of 'revenge' - HE should be.
I think one out-of-character 'mad moment' is perfectly understandable, largely because I did it myself
This. I wrote some rude words on the bedframe under the mattress when ex moved OW into our house and our bed, so they'd find them eventually, by which time I'd moved on. Meh. He trashed my life and nearly stopped me having kids (had to have heavy-duty fertility treatment with now DP), a few rude words are neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things.
I started off simply intending to return them but ending up shoving my exH's beloved golf-clubs through his beloved BMW windscreen in a (very uncharacteristic) demonstration of anger... He didn't report it (probably thought he deserved it) so I don't have a criminal record.
Actually, thinking about it, I smashed a (cheapo) guitar against the wall in a fit of rage too. So that makes two incidents and tips me over the edge into "mad ex" territory
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.