Page 2 | My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

(177 Posts)
bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:13:36

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

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Xales Mon 23-Sep-13 21:33:56

Tell him not to compound his shitty behaviour by treating you as an idiot. You are not stupid. He is adding insult to injury by denying what is blatantly him. He doesn't know what information you have even if he deletes the trail now.

Stay quiet if you can and let him fill in the empty spaces.

And yes sorry you need to visit an STI clinic sad

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:34:14

I dont want to be alone. How pathetic. Thabks for the advice. I am reary now. Its sunk in. I Will try and speak ro him.

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bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:34:53

Teary not reary.

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HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 23-Sep-13 21:36:03

You know enough to know that he has crossed a line that is unacceptable to you.

Tell him to move out, as he has betrayed your trust with unfaithfulness, and by putting you at risk of STDs.

It will take you some time to collect your thoughts, and you need space from him in order to do that. Demand that he give you that space. he fucked up, he moves out. You get to call the shots over how long this lasts - take your time to process this. It is a horrible shock.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

TwerkingNineToFive Mon 23-Sep-13 21:37:12

Why do you want to see it?
If he hasn't had sex with any men will it be something you can work on?
You may just find out things you do not want to know.

perfectstorm Mon 23-Sep-13 21:37:12

Good luck. And you are NOT pathetic, you've been horribly betrayed. The pathetic one in this is not you - remember that.

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Twiddlebum Mon 23-Sep-13 21:38:35

Didn't want to read and run. Although slightly different as we weren't married or had kids but I remember when I was with an ex (a serious relationship) and he took up photography with the aim of turning professional. I started to get suspicious about things regarding his sexuality etc from snippets of stories eg 'yeah I've kissed a bloke for a laugh' how many men admit to that??? And some of his bedroom activity preferences!!! shock I started snooping and it turned out that he was taking photos of hardcore bondage and s&m, mainly of men!!! Not a problem in itself but it was the fact that he hid it all and i never knew! I ran and never looked back.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 21:39:31

Oh bonnie, you don't need to see anymore his reactions are telling you what he isn't. Hopefully when he comes out of hiding he will sit down and talk.
You need to think about your next step. Ask him to leave, you need space to think.
thanks

bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:40:24

Well he still denies. says our marriage is shit and has been for years. cant believe how cruel he is being to me. Hes gone up to bed.

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bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:42:14

Thank you mums. You are so kind to reply.

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bonniescot123 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:43:21

Thank you mums. You are so kind to reply. He has this knack of twisting the knife so that it is my fault U found him on a gay hook up site.

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SisterMonicaJoan Mon 23-Sep-13 21:43:46

How awful, I'm so sorry op.

I don't think you need to see his phone to know what's on there but I can understand the need to know.

As I understand it, Grindr also shows who is online nearby so it's no mistake that he's looking to hook up with men.

Definitely screen shot his page and get an appointment to be screened for STDs.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 23-Sep-13 21:43:58

Sorry he is being such a bastard to you.

The least he could do now is be kind about this.

He's trying to blame you for that fact that he is secretly gay? hmm

What are you going to do now?

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 21:44:39

Oh that's really nice, he is trying to say its your fault. What a charmer. Bastard! I am angry for you. Is he at work tomorrow? Pack him a bag and leave it outside.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 23-Sep-13 21:46:03

Everything Perfectstorm said.
The script starts here I'm afraid... Deny, then he will minimise and blame you - which he already has done.
Maybe your marriage wasn't so good because he checked out of it and looked for gay hook ups.
Or maybe it wasn't so good because he is gay?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Mon 23-Sep-13 21:46:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BabylonReturns Mon 23-Sep-13 21:49:38

Bastard angry

Xales Mon 23-Sep-13 21:49:44

He's gone up to your marital bed to sleep while you stew and cry.

Go and kick him to the couch.

Twinklestein Mon 23-Sep-13 21:52:07

It's your fault for finding it? He's an imbecile. Forget him going up to your bed. F*ck that. Tell him sofa, spare room or out the door.

cubedmelon Mon 23-Sep-13 21:53:01

Didnt want to read and run.

Stay strong.

Blatherskite Mon 23-Sep-13 21:53:36

What a cunt! So sorry op

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:29

Sweetheart sad
Solicitor tomorrow. There's no way back from this is there?

karinmaria Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:34

Have just read your thread with my mouth hanging open. This is not your fault and his excuse that you have a "shit marriage" is utter rubbish. If he thought you were having problems the adult thing to do is work on them or split, not check into gay pick up websites.

The advice you've been given here is great. No point talking to him about it - it's too raw for you and he's clearly being a dick. To be honest I'd rather be in the spare bed than in my marital bed as it's neutral territory and might help you sleep better because there are fewer memories in a spare room.

Good luck. Screenshot his profile ASAP. I'd hazard a guess he's in bed getting rid of it.

cjel Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:44

OP I think you know that you can't make this work whatever you find out. I would limit talk to your separation and take control even though you don't feel like it. Say you accept he finds your marriage rubbish and will help him out as he feels to weak to do anything about it - you are letting him move on and out and will instruct a solicitor in the morning. Try and sound very in control and command when you speak even though you will be jelly inside. That sounds really hard and brutal but he will continue to say nasty things to you as long as you live together so why prolong it- end it now((((HUGS))))

something2say Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:51

What a shock. But once it has sunk in, it seems the relationship has taken a massive turn one way or another. And the fact that he is now being mean to you is horrible.

Can you get through the night somehow and then see some real life friends tomorrow? Or ring someone to talk to? I think it's the shock isn't it.

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